Thursday, June 18, 2009

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

I like to keep this blog as a way to journal my life, my family, the fun stuff and help my perspective on life and circumstances stay in perspective. I also want to keep it real. I don't want a shiny vernier on an otherwise dull or rusty day. Today is a dull and rusty day. And yet, there is so much to be thankful for and there is an eternal perspective to be had. So in some ways, this blog is my therapy, my journal and my own swift kick in the rear.

Yesterday began a slow and steady ride to frustration and sadness as I realized that our adoption agency failed to "mention" a little 8 week step that goes between what we've accomplished and what we are waiting for (our Travel Approval.) A sufficient whoops would do, but so far we aren't even getting that. I realize the adoption process is an ever-changing one and there are many bumps in the road. We have had a relatively smooth ride and so far I really have had few complaints. And I am willing to wait another 8 weeks, Quinn is certainly worth it but today I just feel like whining.

What I've realized over the last 24 hours are actually some ugly things about myself. One thing this potential extended wait has surfaced is pride. Ugly stinky pride. In some ways this adoption has become about me... gross. When I found myself staring at another push back of travel dates a feeling of, "I'm beginning to look stupid" arose. I know that is a lie from the devil. One, who else really cares? (Other than our immediate family) and two, so what if we don't go when we said we were going? It's an adoption, not a shopping trip.

But still...

First we thought we would bring Quinn home in May/June, then we were really sure it would be July. Now I'm wondering if we can even squeak it in by August (if things turn out the way I think they may.) It's just really hard imagining that little guy day after day in the orphanage when he has a mom, dad, sister, brother and dog waiting for him!

And yet, God is still on His throne. He is in control. He is the one who thought of this whole adoption thing anyhow! So I will trust Him today. But I may also cry. I'll try and get over my pride and still pray pray pray for a Travel Approval to arrive without any warning. My God is just that big. And if His plan is different, He will take care of Quinn until we pick him up (and dare I say even after!) But I'm still hoping for but not counting on a super awesome birthday gift of a TA.


Traci said...

Oh Elizabeth...I'm so so sorry. This is unbelievably frustrating. Especially since it's because of a mistake someone else made. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to look at his face every day and not be able to go get him.

We'll be over here praying for a miracle.

jenny said...

So sorry to hear this heart is sad for you. I am sure you are just so ready to have him home with you guys. Praying that God allows the timeframe to speed up. Thanks for your authenticity and sharing your heart.