Thursday, August 21, 2014

Take a chill pill

The last week or two, I've been a real pill.  Do you ever have those days (weeks?) where you even annoy yourself?  Hmmm... maybe it's just me.  In case you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about, let me break it down for you. 

My kids set me off.  (I might have mentioned once or twice they've been fighting.  And bored.  Which may have caused me to yell once or twice or 87 times in the past 10 days.)

My dog set me off.  (If you have ever met Baxter, this needs no further explanation.)

My messy house set me off.  (The bored children "looking for something to do" had a little bit to do with this.  Mostly it was me not wanting to touch the mess.)

Back to school shopping set me off.  (If you want to start a lucrative business, offer affordable child care so that parents can run around and do the errands that need to be done WITHOUT the bored children in tow!)

My husband set me off.  ("Do you mind if I leave early for work every morning this week, while the kids are still off of school so that I can golf, have breakfast with my friends and in general get the heck out of dodge before everyone gets up?"  Heck to the no!  Why do you hate me???

Me.  I set myself off.  (I want to parent better.  Have home cooked/healthy meals prepared every night.  I want my kids to love each other.  Hold hands.  Say, "I love you."  Go to bed on time.  I want to be perfectly fine and flexible when all of that does not happen.)

Last night, Steve and I sat on the couch and watched Big Brother.  (My happy place.)  It was about the 4th night in a row that I was behaving like a pouty baby.  Everything was going wrong.  Nothing was making me happy.  Seriously, I was annoying myself.

It dawned on me, its been 5 weeks since I went off my depression meds.  I had been on them for three years.  My little blue pill.  Did it really make that big of a difference?  Is it a coincidence?  Is it okay to be grumpy?  To feel sad.

I sat on the couch.  Missing my mom and dad.  Realizing I put a lot of expectation on my husband and kids.  I want my life and their lives to be perfect.  I wish I had a mommy to take care of me.  To call me.  To offer me advice on parenting and marriage.  Reality is, even if she were here, there is no guarantee that would be happening.

Life has been setting me off.  Maybe getting set off is good.  It means I'm alive.  It is an indicator something in my heart is stirring, if not a little off.  Maybe an adjustment is in order.  Maybe I need a swift kick in the rear.  Or a hug from my husband.  Maybe I need alone time.  Maybe I need friend time. Maybe I need to pray more.  Read my Bible more.  Maybe I need my little blue pill back.  Maybe I need nothing but to be thankful for what I have.

Maybe it's good to feel something raw again.  Without the dulling of the little blue pill.  Time will tell.  Opening up and sharing with my husband my sadness, my frustration and my fear of my own sadness brought us closer together last night.  Today is a new day.  So is tomorrow. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Counting My Blessings

My kids are back at school.  I am sitting in an empty (tidy) house.  I drove in a van with no fighting in the back seat to and from Pilates.  I ran into Michael's ALONE.  I didn't have to ask Steve to "watch the kids."  Glorious!

I sat down to read a few blogs.  And then I got to thinking... wasn't it about August when I wrote my first ever blog post?  So I went back and did a little checking.  July 31, 2008 was my first entry.  I just  missed my blogiversary.  6 years.  Wow.  A lot has happened in six years.  I found this entry from just about six years ago.  It got me a bit sad.  To see baby Turner and little O sitting on my mom's lap.  To realize Quinn was still living in an orphanage in China at that very moment.  It's actually a bit overwhelming.  Six years doesn't seem like such a long time.  Quite frankly, people say time flies.  Some days (or years) it does not feel like that is the case.  There were three very dark years in there.  What's crazy is, I was keeping this blog.  A better diary or journal than any I could  have kept on paper.

I am so thankful that for whatever crazy reason, six years ago I decided to hop on the blog bandwagon.  And because of that decision, I have pictures, stories and memories to hold and share.  I might spend a few hours this week strolling through some old posts.  My heart could use a stroll down memory lane.  I have so much to be thankful for.  So much blessing.  So much growth and love.  I have been seriously spoiled by those who love me.  I don't want to forget God's faithfulness and the grace and mercy He has shown me. 



Blessed beyond measure!

Saturday, August 16, 2014

No tears here

My kids start school on Monday.  After days and days living in a dorm room in Boston, hours and hours (and hours) in a mini-van with these people, I have to say, I might not shed a tear as they hop out of the car that morning.  I love my kids.  I have had a magical summer of adventure and memory building with these people I live with.

 Seriously, I have. 


This past week, the magic ran out.  There was yelling.  Fighting.  Boredom (oh the boredom.)  Flopping around on couches whining, "I'm soooooo bored.   I have nothing to doooooo."  I turned into every other brain dead, summer drained, road weary mama.  "Bored?  I can list five things right now that you could do.  I carted your buns half way across this country - TWICE - this summer.  You've had adventures people will only dream of having.  You're home for six days and you're bored?  I have not talked to another adult (other than your father, and he doesn't count) in 10 days because I'm so busy entertaining you guys.  Don't tell me you're bored.  Go find something to DO." *end rant with big self indulgent sigh and a double eye roll.*  Post rant, lock self in bedroom for 5 minutes not knowing if I should laugh or cry at the lecture I had just given.  Must come out of bedroom at minute 6 because of the yelling, fighting and blood curdling screams.  Don't want neighbors to call Children Services during the last week of summer vacation so I haul their buns to the park.  Thereby feeding the monster.  I am my own worst enemy!

All of that to say, in light of all of the torturous boredom I am subjecting my children to (obviously), I wanted to share a few pictures of our vacation in Maine... where the kids were most definitely NOT bored.  Perhaps these children have become spoiled rotten to the core.  I'm willing to entertain that possibility.  Which is another reason I won't roll a tear Monday morning.  The gig is up, little people.  The day of reckoning is here (well, it will be on Monday.) 

But I digress...

The whole reason we went to Maine was for Steve's sister's wedding.  Kerry and Todd have been planning a destination wedding for the past year.  It is a lovely place to get married, that is for sure.

On the drive to Maine, Olivia declared, "It's finally here.  The wedding we've been planning for the past year is FINALLY here."  Olivia and her cousin, Natalie, were Kerry's bridesmaids.  They took their responsibility very seriously and as I told Kerry several weeks ago, "You do realized this wedding is NOT about you.  It is all about Olivia and Natalie!"  The three boy cousins were the groomsmen (bold move on Todd's part.)  In my humble opinion, it was the cutest wedding party I've ever seen.

The morning of the wedding, Aunt Kerry took the girls to get their hair done with her.  They all three looked stunning.  Seriously, my daughter took my breath away with her beauty!

But the week wasn't all fancy dresses and lobster dinners.  Okay, almost, but not totally.
 When we were not enjoying wedding related festivities, our family (the Dayton K's) and the cousins (the Alpena K's) made lots of memories.

There was lots of digging for things under rocks.  I have to admit, I'm a bit more of a sandy beach girl. I may have ducked out early from this smelly adventure and ran into town to do a bit of shopping.
Perhaps this explains why.  The sleepy little harbor town of Camden was super cute and quaint.  And for this city girl, I'll leave the rocks for the kids and guys.
Here are two of the groomsmen (minus one.)  These two look grumpy as all get out.  See beginning of post.  They must have been feeling bored at the welcome dinner.  Rough life.

I guess it's because they would have rather been back at the hotel doing this.  They logged in a ton of hours at the pool, in spite of the cooler Maine temps.

It was a busy week full of family and fun.  I guess this is why coming home to a house full of toys, friends, books, bikes and parks is sooooo boring.