Saturday, February 26, 2011

Who knew?

So, it looks like I'm a control freak. Funny, I didn't really put two and two together until this week. It's overwhelmed me. I'm trying to do *cancer* right. I'm trying to do chemo right. I'm trying to walk with Jesus and trust Him right. Guess what? I'm sucking at it. I'm a total basket case! I've had panic attacks. I've had a panic attack while on Zanex. I've had adverse reactions to Benedryl. I've been awake all night after taking Ambien. I'm a freakazoid. Then I try and figure out how *I* can rest in Jesus. Rest. Food. Peace. Those are the key things I need right now. I can't access them. Pray for that. I'm trying to do this perfect, and that is what will take me out, not all this other stuff.

Physically, I'm pooped. I tried to blow dry Olivia's hair last night and got winded. I've lost too much weight and am trying to eat. I walk around the living room or go upstairs and need to sit. It is so weird. Humbling. Overwhelming.

I've avoided blogging this week. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm not doing this perfectly. And before you all leave a hundred comments saying there is no perfect way or that I'll never do it perfectly, TRUST ME, I know. This is just part of my journey right now. And I'm even trying to push through this real fast to get to the other side. I just need to be. To roll with it. To let go. But guess what? That's not easy for a control freak!

There you have it. I guess all in all, I'm fine. Thankful that this really did go better than it could have. I am just struggling. Hard stuff sucks!


Candice Corwin said...

So proud of your daring authenticity to say what most of us think about figuring out "doing life with Jesus" in regard to things far different from cancer. The thing is, you were just as real about things in your blog before cancer was included...great daring example of how I hope Jesus will help me become. To say I am and have been praying would be a massive understatement. I will share a theme song of my life from the past few years: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

jenny from mommin' it up said...

I'm praying for your body to let your meds do what they are supposed to do! That God will just take control, to the point where you have no choice but to go with the flow, get all rag-doll or wet noodle and let God carry you around. It was great being with you today! I know you're wiped out and I'm praying that you can just be still and know, taste and see...I know it's all easier said than done but I'm praying, praying, praying!

Anonymous said...

Praying for your comfort, peace and rest that only He can give. Thanks for enriching my walk with Christ by sharing yours!


Heather Ruetschle said...

Yeah hard stuff sucks!
...jars of clay...thanks for being honest in the brokenness and letting the light shine through.
I will pray for Rest. Food. Peace. to somehow be yours!!

Jennifer said...

I personally don't know you. I found you through MomminItUp. I want you to know I am praying for you. I hope you can find peace in HIM. Never lose faith in His ability to heal you. Whether it be crazy med reactions or the small stuff in your life. I am truly sorry you have to go through this.
In Christ

Anonymous said...

I am very blessed to read your blog right now. It brings up a lot of memories when my sister went through chemo. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am praying for you.


Kris said...

I am so sorry my friend that you are suffering. Praying with countless others for you, Steve the kids and your dad.

Rose said...

So you just might have to let the rest of us pray you through this part! Appreciate your honesty and I am sorry that it sucks!! How is the nanny thing working out??

Sadee said...

I'm so afraid of sounding trite, but I want you to know that what you wrote resonates sooooooo much with my personal struggles with anxiety - on a really regular basis. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
I am SO sorry it sucks so bad.
I like to read your blog before I go to church because God brings you to mind while I sing and I can sing the songs as a prayer for you.

With Love in Christ,

Karen said...

love you and praying for you!

charles said...

I doubt your intention was to inspire fellow control freaks out there (well right here), but you did!

You are doing awesome!

Thought and prayers daily!

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

This control freak is praying right along with you. So thankful for your honesty.

Anonymous said...

I love you, E. I am praying for you, and so SO appreciate your "realness" and honesty about the struggle inside. I will just pray for His mercy over you. His mercy isn't something we can "attain" anyway!! haha Much love.

Meg said...

Hey girl,
Just catching up from being away. So glad to have a glimpse into all that you are going through. We got in late last night. Pooped, but so glad to be home. Missing the buffet breakfasts tho:) Emma is doing really well, but after all those hours with her on me, I'm ready for a break! Thankful she is sleeping now. Can't wait to introduce you to her. Our fav family from our trip was a couple in Dayton.

Will pray for you friend! Thankful for God's work in you in your persevering through this great trial.


Julie said...

your honesty is fantastic! i think when we can finally 'sum up' what we are feeling we can get ahead of the game. figuring out our frustrations is half the mental battle (if that makes sense). you are fighting the good fight...keep it up! Julie Cunningham