So, it looks like I'm a control freak. Funny, I didn't really put two and two together until this week. It's overwhelmed me. I'm trying to do *cancer* right. I'm trying to do chemo right. I'm trying to walk with Jesus and trust Him right. Guess what? I'm sucking at it. I'm a total basket case! I've had panic attacks. I've had a panic attack while on Zanex. I've had adverse reactions to Benedryl. I've been awake all night after taking Ambien. I'm a freakazoid. Then I try and figure out how *I* can rest in Jesus. Rest. Food. Peace. Those are the key things I need right now. I can't access them. Pray for that. I'm trying to do this perfect, and that is what will take me out, not all this other stuff.
Physically, I'm pooped. I tried to blow dry Olivia's hair last night and got winded. I've lost too much weight and am trying to eat. I walk around the living room or go upstairs and need to sit. It is so weird. Humbling. Overwhelming.
I've avoided blogging this week. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm not doing this perfectly. And before you all leave a hundred comments saying there is no perfect way or that I'll never do it perfectly, TRUST ME, I know. This is just part of my journey right now. And I'm even trying to push through this real fast to get to the other side. I just need to be. To roll with it. To let go. But guess what? That's not easy for a control freak!
There you have it. I guess all in all, I'm fine. Thankful that this really did go better than it could have. I am just struggling. Hard stuff sucks!