Thanks for all the comments. Not sure what to tell you today. Lots has happened, although I barely got off the sofa. (I went to O's soccer game and it took a lot out of me.) It was gloomy and snowy and freezing.
I faced a few fears today. I called a good friend of over 10 years who faced uterine cancer a few years ago. I was almost embarrassed to call her because I have not talked to her in a long time and I sucked as a friend as she went through her crisis. I was scared to talk to her because I've been unable to talk to anyone who has been down this road. I don't know why. For me ignorance has been bliss? But I did it. It was good. On lots of fronts.
I've been paralyzed to eat much. I've lost nearly 25 lbs in the past 3 weeks (granted they removed half of my insides and tumors and fluid.) But I've gotten advice on eat this, don't eat that for cancer and for surgery recovery which has left me incapacitated. I've basically been eating toast with peanut butter and tea. I had soup, chips and cheese and a diet 7-Up today. It was a victory. I never thought I'd say this, but I am getting too thin. (156 down to 131.... gross.)
I also got honest with Steve, God and myself this afternoon. I emotionally vomited all over the three of us. Guess what? I'm not strong. I'm not amazing. I'm not positive. I'm not sure I'll beat this. I'm not sure I'm ready to surrender to what God's Will is. I'm mad at Him. I think I've gotten a raw deal this past year. I could go on and on (and might in the days to come.) A friend spoke some truth to me today. It was needed. It was a step in the right direction. It was ugly. It was honest and it was good.
I also told Olivia about my hair today. It was scary. It was sad. She cried. She said, "So you're going to be like a bald girl?" She told me she didn't want me to lose my hair and she cried. Then we snuggled. I think we will cry more in the days to come. But I think we are going to be okay.
So, that's the real deal around here. I'm moody. I'm on edge. I'm no hero. I need Jesus.