Saturday, February 5, 2011

In the raw

Thanks for all the comments. Not sure what to tell you today. Lots has happened, although I barely got off the sofa. (I went to O's soccer game and it took a lot out of me.) It was gloomy and snowy and freezing.

I faced a few fears today. I called a good friend of over 10 years who faced uterine cancer a few years ago. I was almost embarrassed to call her because I have not talked to her in a long time and I sucked as a friend as she went through her crisis. I was scared to talk to her because I've been unable to talk to anyone who has been down this road. I don't know why. For me ignorance has been bliss? But I did it. It was good. On lots of fronts.

I've been paralyzed to eat much. I've lost nearly 25 lbs in the past 3 weeks (granted they removed half of my insides and tumors and fluid.) But I've gotten advice on eat this, don't eat that for cancer and for surgery recovery which has left me incapacitated. I've basically been eating toast with peanut butter and tea. I had soup, chips and cheese and a diet 7-Up today. It was a victory. I never thought I'd say this, but I am getting too thin. (156 down to 131.... gross.)

I also got honest with Steve, God and myself this afternoon. I emotionally vomited all over the three of us. Guess what? I'm not strong. I'm not amazing. I'm not positive. I'm not sure I'll beat this. I'm not sure I'm ready to surrender to what God's Will is. I'm mad at Him. I think I've gotten a raw deal this past year. I could go on and on (and might in the days to come.) A friend spoke some truth to me today. It was needed. It was a step in the right direction. It was ugly. It was honest and it was good.

I also told Olivia about my hair today. It was scary. It was sad. She cried. She said, "So you're going to be like a bald girl?" She told me she didn't want me to lose my hair and she cried. Then we snuggled. I think we will cry more in the days to come. But I think we are going to be okay.

So, that's the real deal around here. I'm moody. I'm on edge. I'm no hero. I need Jesus.

20 comments:

Joyce said...

I don't often comment but just wanted to say i am praying. I don't really have any words and youre right. It is a crummy deal. God is able ...hold onto your hope. Hugs to you tonite.

rose said...

So hard to say sunny, cheery words today. I have no words, because I have not walked the steps you are walking. I'm glad you have your blog to get things out. We don't know each other very well, but I am moved to tears reading todays blog and it just gives me a glimpse into the whirlwind of emotions you are dealing with. I continue to pray and hold you close in my thoughts daily.

jenny from mommin' it up said...

Perfect post, E.

One chance at this life said...

Keep the posts coming! Look forward to reading your blog and am learning so much through your heart.

kathy said...

Budda said ..."Be where you are. Otherwise, you will miss your life". I think he meant to make our goals short term. E-try eating more often and you will gain strength; try calling someone to talk about anything; and rent a funny movie so that you can laugh. Then get up tomorrow and do it again. One day at a time.

Judy K said...

But see...this reality of what you're really going through does say hero for me! Continuing to pray!

Karen said...

There will be time to figure out new routines... don't expect too much from yourself right now. I'd say just eat whatever sounds good for now... give yourself some grace for right now!! My dear friend... this is hard! Glad you talked so honestly with Olivia. Your kids will be a great comfort to you in the process, I think.
Anyway, I don't want to be giving you too much advice... sorry... just would love to be sitting on the couch with you. :)love you!!

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Love the honesty. The only way to deal with the yucky emotions is to face them. Thanks for sharing, praying for your heart. I agree you've had a horrible year. Don't like this for you at all.

Sadee said...

Praying!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us, you definitely have had a really rough year. Praying for more peace and less worry, and for His comfort and strength to take over. Thinking of you this morning!

Marisa said...

Praying...

Marilyn said...

Just want you to know that we are still cheering you on.... Jenna and I pray daily for you ... and God continues to keep you on my heart, and in my prayers. Do want to be of any help we can be ... just know that we are available for whatever you need ... whenever you need it. Trusting with you to experience moment by moment the Lord's great love for you ... so you will not be consumed. Lamentations 3:22-23.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you personally but I pray for you every single day now. I pray you know that Jesus is holding you tightly and won't let go. I know you have a lot of fears and anxieties about the upcoming chemo but Jesus will be with you every step of the way. My aunt had cancer a few years ago and she had to get chemo and the doctor's didn't know what would happen but she beat the cancer! She is now walking around and you would never know she was once sick! She credits her recovery to Jesus and Jesus alone! There were alot of people praying for her and she will tell you that is the only reason she kept going strong! The doctor's and the treatments can only do so much but ultimately he is the Great Physician! You seem to be a woman of faith and prayer and don't let that falter in your hardest times! Keep the faith! You will beat this! =)

Anne said...

I am praying for you and your family! I so appreciate your honesty, your humor, and yes, even your fear. It is a scary thing, cancer, and to think that it takes poison to kill it is terrifying! He doesn't promise us tomorrow, so all we can do is try to embrace today. Today, while you have not yet started chemo treatments, while you still have your cute hair, have a family portrait taken, have pictures made of you with your kids, of you and Steve. We've actually had great results with the photo area of Target! Capture the moment of now! Take pictures of you with the boys at O's game, or with O at the boys' games. I am praying for you, Elizabeth, oh, how I am praying! For healing, for comfort, for battle-strength!

sadee said...

praying for you this evening, elizabeth.

H in Berlin said...

Elizabeth,

How good it is that you can reveal your doubts, fears, and pain, for as you know when they are exposed to the truth of God's light, His truth can heal and comfort! Your words sound in some ways like Psalmists words - raw, real, yet filled with the hope of knowing that "God is near, and all His commandments are true." (Psalm 199:151)

I will continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will remind you of the truth you have stored up in your heart when the dark moments of the day come. That as you cry, cling, laugh, rest, eat, sleep, get dressed, receive and give comfort with your children, husband, family, and friends, that He will continue to remind you of His truth and faithfulness, that He will keep your ears open to hear His singing over you and that He will quiet the loud voices of doubt with His love (Zeph 3:17). We know He will do this because He promises in His word to intercede for us, to be faithful, that His word is living and active and will accomplish its purpose!

Today I am praying Lam 3:21-24 and Psalm 63 for you.

Elizabeth, God's steadfast love never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are NEW EVERY MORNING!; great is His faithfulness to you - right now in your bed - and even to the ends of the earth.

As you go through this dry and weary land where it feels like there is no water, may you remember His steadfast love and bless Him. May He satisfy your soul with the richest of food. He has been your help, Elizabeth, and in the shadow of His wings you can sing for joy. You cling to Him and His right hand will uphold you!

With love from over here.

tinkertrain said...

I know we don't know each other, but I am a fellow Apexer... I have been reading your blog and it look like your about to start Chemo. I am a hair stylist by trade and want to offer up my services, they say its less traumatic if you get a cute pixie cut before or if you are going to lose your hair. You can call me or email, let me know? Praying for Gods peace over your family.

Kendall Griffieth
tiinnkk@gmail.com 474-8887

Greg&Kara said...

Hey. You may not know that G & I had 5 sucky years of infertlity. I faced a lot of the raw deal thoughts and worse. I'm sure you've gotten a million book recommendations but here's one more. "A sacred sorrow, finding God in the lost language of lament" by michael card. Its his take on how back in the day cultures had real ways to express grief, pain, etc and that lotsa folks in the bible did and wrote about it. But today that all feels weird, scary or wrong. Lemme know if you'd like me to amazon it to ya..,since i live too far for a meal :-)

vwiller said...

E...I don't think you leave my mind for very long any day.Know that you are on my prayer list that has nearly become a mantra!

wrestlermom2 said...

My husband has been battling cancer for over 5 years and I want to share with you that God is big enough for you to be mad and vent! He loves to hear honestly from His children!