Friday, February 4, 2011

In which I found my words

Sorry I didn't post yesterday after my appointment. I just didn't have it in me. Not because the appointment was bad, per say, but more because it sucked all the resources that I have out of me.

Let's just say reality smacked me in the face yesterday afternoon.

I am not even sure how to summarize things here. Basically, I still don't have a start date for chemo (it's a little complicated.) I'll either start at the end of next week or the beginning of the following week. It depends on a few factors that will be decided early next week.

I don't think I'll get too technical on here, because really, unless you're me or near family, you probably don't care. But I will tell you that I had a few panic attacks in the office. Some because I don't have any hormones left to deal with life (and they can't give me a patch b/c of the chemo) and some because a lot of this is hard to deal with.

We talked about me losing my hair. I mean, it's not my favorite, but it will grow back. I'm worried sick about my kids. Mainly Olivia. I found out it will mostly fall out shortly after my first round. So, I've got about 3 weeks left. And OF COURSE I decided over the summer to start growing it out. So its the longest its ever been. Ah, vanity. I'm praying and trying to decide when the best time to tell Olivia is. I'm sure I'm projecting stuff on her. Kids are resilient and will surprise you a lot of the time. It's just overwhelming.

They offered a prescription for a wig. I cried again. The thought of a wig is rough for me. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

It's all scary. Overwhelming. But I know it will also help me. I'm trying to be thankful for chemo. I'm trying to be thankful that my kids will *hopefully* grow up being compassionate for people who are sick.

Speaking of sick... O was diagnosed with strep throat at the doctor yesterday. She seems better. Turner started throwing up at 5:00 tonight. Oh, how I'm praying it doesn't sweep this house. He seems like he's rallying... pray he will.

Steve's mom, bless her heart, went home today. She spent two solid weeks sleeping on our couch (we *need* a bigger house.) I don't know how she did it, but she served us cheerfully the whole time. I am thankful to have in-laws that I love and enjoy. I know she is glad to be back with my father-in-law and sleeping in her own bed. I was overwhelmed yesterday, thinking of her leaving, wondering how we'll get along. It's been tiring today, but we're making it. Tons of people have asked to help, and now it's time to take them up on it.

For someone who didn't know what to say, I managed to use a lot of words. Pray for me. Pray for us. We could use it. I have waves of panic. And then waves of trust in the Lord. I guess that's life, huh?


jenny from mommin' it up said...

Those last three sentences were a very accurate summary of how I handle life in general.
Thanking God with you for Steve's mom and all the friends who love you and will be helping you get thru this!

And oh, man, the vanity! I'm with ya on that. That would make me cry, too.

Lisa said...

E! Dang, can I say again that I WISH I LIVED in DAYTON!!!! I will be so praying for you more each day, more than I have been! I just think you are an amazing mom and I'm so touched to hear your heart for your kids... and the pain that goes along with worrying about them. I'll be praying for them as well. Your picture is all over my kitchen- fridge, frame on window sill, bulletin board (your Christmas pic of you and Steve with the kids in it too). I love seeing those reminders to lift you all before the throne! So thankful that HIS grace is more than sufficient for us. I KNOW with all of us dear friends praying that you WILL experience His grace and His strengthening power in you. Keep on posting here. It's my lifeline to you when I call and get your voicemail. ;-) Love you!

Meg said...

Am praying E. Will continue to!
Love you

Heather Ruetschle said...

The wigs actually look really good. Two of my friends went that route and truly had fabulous hair and quick and easy! My other friend shaved her head and wears cute hats. But either way is a change, and a hard change, we women are attached to our hair. As God removes things in your life, I pray you find the Rock holding you. Continue prayers for complete healing! Hr

Karen said...

E - I think some women get their hair cut shorter first, so the falling out part isn't so extreme. Just a thought. And, a wig, or cute hats... either one can be a good choice. SOOOO hard.....I have to say though that my kids barely even noticed a thing after my mom's double mastectomy (and it WAS noticeable!). I think they just need to see it's the same YOU in there - in that body. They'll be OK. You'll have a harder time than they will. This is really hard. Please promise me you'll accept LOTS of help, and also send people home when you need quiet and time just as a family. This is what the body of Christ is all about! Love you and wish I could be there too, but I know you're in good hands!!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Praying, praying, praying for you!

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Praying for you! So many hard things to process at once and sick kids just make it worse. So sorry. If you ever want a medical ear to bounce things off of, feel free to drop me a line or my phone no is on fb. You can do this, not because you are so strong (though you really are) but because He can take you through it. Praying that reality sticks closer than any other. Grace and peace, my friend, process at your own pace. Thank you for your honesty and transparency.

Anonymous said...

Ok. Check this out: Lets say with your analogy that the waves of panic are actually the undertow. Undertow means strong undercurrent flowing in a different direction from the surface current. And lets say the waves and the full flow of the ocean are God and His Will. So compared to the undertow (which is scary and can suck you in) God is the FULL ocean and bigger than anything we can imagine! Can you tell how much I love the ocean :)

Marisa said...

I'm so sorry for all of these scary changes! Every time my little one gets up to nurse at night I have been praying for you. Praying that your moments of peace will become more frequent and the moments of panic will fade.

...And you'll still be beautiful wig or not!

Bailee said...

Hi Mrs. Koproski!
I hope you are feeling better and remembering that the LORD is right next to you, holding your hand through this journey! I currently am growing out my hair for Locks of Love. I want you to know that you are beautiful even with out hair. Olivia will probably get used to the fact that you won't have hair, but after a while it will be like a new hair cut. Olivia should be proud she has such a strong mother that is fighting a hard battle. But you can do it and you don't have to worry (coming from someone who worries about everything) because God is right there by your side, holding your hand, jumping over the same hurdles and he is there to help you in the hard times.
Lots of Love and Prayers,

michelle said...

E! Just let me say you are amazing!!!!Thank-you for your honesty and a faith that we all admire! I am praying and will pray more!!!!

vwiller said...

I have no words that everyone else has not said already!As soon as the weather breaks for real i am coming to see you!! Then I can hug you for real not just sending it everyday via these connections!!