Hey friends, sorry for the short bloggy vacay. I wish I could tell you Steve and I hopped on a plane and headed to some sun and sand for the weekend. Shocker, we didn't. In fact, I just have not had the gumption to get on here and update since Friday because, quite frankly, some days it's just hard. We went to church on Saturday night and toward the end of the service I got a call on my cell from an unknown number. They left a voicemail and it occurred to me that it might be the hospital in Toledo where my dad is. So, I had Steve step out and listen. Because seriously, now would be the PERFECT time for him to be in the hospital, right?!
Sure enough, my dad, who lives alone now since my mom passed away in June, had an *episode* in the middle of the night on Friday. Thankfully, he was able to crawl to the phone and dial 911. The EMS came and got him. He should be released today. They still don't know what happened. It wasn't his heart (he's got a bad heart and has a pacemaker, so the Dr. knows when it goes off.) I'm wondering if he didn't have some kind of panic attack. He's been very emotional about my situation.
We were already planning on going to see him Monday-Tuesday. Mostly because there is no telling when we'll be able to go and see him again. He's not well enough to drive here for a visit.
There I sat in the middle of church and broke down. Literally, for the first time in all of this I had the thought and spoke the words, "Jesus, I just CAN'T do this!" You know that whole, "God won't give you anything more than you can handle?" Yeah, well... I'm just about there! Steve and I got home and we prayed together. Oh, it was so good. I had this weird peace wash over me. I just got calm. Like God said, "Duh! Of course you can't handle this. NOW it's time to give up control. I'll handle this one."
We hopped in the car and went to visit my dad. The trip was stressful. My body aches. My anxiety is high. I have frequent panic attacks. We didn't get to spend much time with my dad because the kids weren't allowed in his room. But we went. It was good. He's doing better.
As for me, I have my moments. I go for an outpatient surgery tomorrow where I'll have two ports placed for my chemo. Chemo starts Monday morning, probably at 9am. I have thoughts of death. I have all the "what if's". I'm having trouble staying positive. And then God swoops in. You know that old cliche, "One day at a time." Yeah, I'm living it. The big picture overwhelms me. I can't do that. But I can go and get a handicapped hanger for my car at the BMV today. Then I can pick Olivia up from school.
Tomorrow I'll worry about getting through the port surgery. Pray for me. I want to enjoy today. It's a battle. But it's one that Jesus wants to fight for me. Pray I'll stop fighting and let HIM be my shield. Guess what? That's easier said than done!