Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm back

Hey friends, sorry for the short bloggy vacay. I wish I could tell you Steve and I hopped on a plane and headed to some sun and sand for the weekend. Shocker, we didn't. In fact, I just have not had the gumption to get on here and update since Friday because, quite frankly, some days it's just hard. We went to church on Saturday night and toward the end of the service I got a call on my cell from an unknown number. They left a voicemail and it occurred to me that it might be the hospital in Toledo where my dad is. So, I had Steve step out and listen. Because seriously, now would be the PERFECT time for him to be in the hospital, right?!

Sure enough, my dad, who lives alone now since my mom passed away in June, had an *episode* in the middle of the night on Friday. Thankfully, he was able to crawl to the phone and dial 911. The EMS came and got him. He should be released today. They still don't know what happened. It wasn't his heart (he's got a bad heart and has a pacemaker, so the Dr. knows when it goes off.) I'm wondering if he didn't have some kind of panic attack. He's been very emotional about my situation.

We were already planning on going to see him Monday-Tuesday. Mostly because there is no telling when we'll be able to go and see him again. He's not well enough to drive here for a visit.

There I sat in the middle of church and broke down. Literally, for the first time in all of this I had the thought and spoke the words, "Jesus, I just CAN'T do this!" You know that whole, "God won't give you anything more than you can handle?" Yeah, well... I'm just about there! Steve and I got home and we prayed together. Oh, it was so good. I had this weird peace wash over me. I just got calm. Like God said, "Duh! Of course you can't handle this. NOW it's time to give up control. I'll handle this one."

We hopped in the car and went to visit my dad. The trip was stressful. My body aches. My anxiety is high. I have frequent panic attacks. We didn't get to spend much time with my dad because the kids weren't allowed in his room. But we went. It was good. He's doing better.

As for me, I have my moments. I go for an outpatient surgery tomorrow where I'll have two ports placed for my chemo. Chemo starts Monday morning, probably at 9am. I have thoughts of death. I have all the "what if's". I'm having trouble staying positive. And then God swoops in. You know that old cliche, "One day at a time." Yeah, I'm living it. The big picture overwhelms me. I can't do that. But I can go and get a handicapped hanger for my car at the BMV today. Then I can pick Olivia up from school.

Tomorrow I'll worry about getting through the port surgery. Pray for me. I want to enjoy today. It's a battle. But it's one that Jesus wants to fight for me. Pray I'll stop fighting and let HIM be my shield. Guess what? That's easier said than done!


Raven said...

E- I ended up over here from "Once A Month Mom". I will be praying for you and your beautiful family during this period.

Thank you so much for honestly sharing your journey- you are an inspiration to so many others already. Your faith is incredibly strong and you are amazing! I hope you feel all the hugs and goodwill being sent your way!! Blessings!

jenny from mommin' it up said...

E, you being real here is so amazing. praying praying that God keeps on swooping in!

Joyce said...

I'm praying for you and all of your family, dad too. His grace is sufficient and will be there in that moment when its needed.

Jeni said...

Praying for you and praying for your Dad too!!!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you all during this tough time! Jesus will see you through! Never lose faith and hope, HE is right beside you ALWAYS!

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you and your family during this difficult time! During your chemo, you may find use of the following which I received in an email:
Subject: Cleaning for a reason
> Cleaning for a Reason
> If you know any woman currently undergoing chemotherapy, please pass the word to her that there is a cleaning service that provides FREE housecleaning - once per month for 4 months while she is in treatment. All she has to do is sign up and have her doctor fax a note confirming the treatment. Cleaning for a Reason will have a participating maid service in her zip code area arrange for the service. This organization serves the entire USA and currently has 547 partners to help these women. It's our job to pass the word and let them know that there are people out there that care. Be a blessing to someone and pass this information along.

I hope this information is useful. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone has said to me, "God won't give you anything you can't handle" (because of me having triplets)!! I wonder where that saying came from? I think it's some kind of distortion of 1 Cor. 10:13 (that God will provide us a way out from temptation?) I really don't think it's biblical. God doesn't allow hard things into our lives because He somehow thinks WE are strong! I think it's more true to remind myself that He uses all things for my good, and that He uses hardship as discipline in my life to make me more holy. I'm so sorry that you are going through this E! Next time someone tells you "God must have known you could handle this", just slap 'em for me! I'm praying for you daily, thank you for sharing even when it's hard. In God's love, Mary Rynsburger

Celia said...

I love you, E, and love your openness and honesty. Thank you for sharing with us, and for allowing us to love on you and support you. Praying for continued "swoops."

Andrea @ SavingsLifestyle said...

E, girl, letting God have control is the hardest thing in the world. You have done amazing throughout all of this and you are allowed to have breakdowns!!

This song was playing on my iTunes as I came to visit... maybe it will encourage you today.

H in Berlin said...

I am praying. My comfort and hope is that God promises when we are weak, He is strong. That is true for you now, Elizabeth. He promises His mercy is new every morning, and His faithfulness is great. That as you cling to Him, he will carry you in the shelter of His wings. I claim those promises for you, that they be real for you, Steve, your family, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Again I am singing over you, "O the deep, deep love of Jesus." May the mystery of joining in Jesus' sufferings as you walk this painful road bring with it the beauty of deep, precious intimacy with your Savior - vast, unmeasured, boundless, free.