No title seems right for this one

I nearly caved and did what the rest of blogdom was doing... recapping 2010. But honestly, 2010 sucked so bad around here, I don't want to recap it and I for sure don't want to drag your butt through it again. So suffice it to say, 2011 is a welcome site. Or at least I thought it was going to be.

I guess not ALL of 2010 was awful, we did have some laughs and enjoyed ourselves... but when you lose your mom, sometimes things get tainted. But oddly enough, New Year's was sadder for me than Christmas. I think that i can *gear up* for the stuff I know will be hard, and by doing so I just kind of will myself to get through it. I lock up my mind and heart in a protective cocoon. Somehow its better that way.

But New Year's snuck up on me like a professional hit man. There I was, minding my own business Tuesday night. Watching a few Glee re-runs. When out of nowhere a commercial for a made for TV movie ran across my screen. And if you've spend even just a bit of time around here you may recall I've historically loved me some American Idol. And so did my mom.

In fact, we were total nerds about it. For several years, we would call each other after every performance and laugh about Sanjaya's hair, swoon over Daughtry and argue about whether or not Jason Castro was really a good singer or just had nice eyes. One person we both agreed on was Brooke White. We liked her. Neither one of us thought she should be *the* Idol, but we liked her. And I was convinced that if we lived in the same town, we would be friends.

So, when the commercial came on last Tuesday, I got all excited and pulled Steve in the room to announce, "Hey, look! Brooke White is going to be in a TV movie. I've got to call my mom." And then it happened. A.L.L. the air escaped my lungs like I had been hit in the gut. I couldn't believe that I had said it out loud. And then, what's more, I couldn't believe she was not there to call.

I seriously have not had that thought or reaction to any thing since June. I guess mostly because I've willed myself not to. I don't allow myself to think it. But there was something so instinctive (about American Idol? too bad it couldn't have been a bit more sophisticated) about my reaction that totally caught me off guard.

I then cried my eyes out for the next four hours.

Some because I miss my mom. Some because I just don't know if I can do this season of American Idol without her (or Simon.. but I digress). Some because she got so sick during the final three last season that she would fall asleep on the phone when I'd call and that was when I began to realize she was not going to make it. Some because they crowned Lee the winner while she was in Hospice, and she rallied long enough to actually be interested. Some because those memories made me face and re-live some of the other Hospice memories that I just have not accessed since they happened. Some good. Some awful. But ones I've run from, nonetheless.

Some because I looked at this new year, 2011, and realized this would be the first full year that I won't have my mom.

So for me, while there is an over arching dark shadow on 2010 and part of me wants to get the hell out of it, there is another part who desperately does not want to say good bye to it, because it seems to be another fresh good bye to my mom.

I have not decided if I will be able to tune it to Idol when it starts up again in a few weeks. But something tells me she would want me to. But not after we thoroughly complained about the addition of Stephen Tyler and J. Lo!