The past few days have been rough. I know I posted I was doing better, and I was. Then, the fatigue set in. I wish I could describe how it feels. Because it's more than being tired. It's not quite a depression. It is utter fatigue. And it exposed some ugly around here!
I was back to panic attacks yesterday. Mostly because some wrong beliefs of God were stirred up. The *what ifs* returned. What if I can't make these six rounds? This is only number two... and supposedly they get harder. I really don't know if I can persevere. What if my numbers don't ever get any lower? What if I do all of this just to die? What if God is just toying with me? What if He is just playing games with my life? My family? My friends? YOU!
Thankfully, I have a husband who battles lies with me. I shared with him my fears, my lies. We prayed. We reflected on who GOD says He is. And that once again, my circumstances do not dictate His character. We also chatted about how I don't have to do four more rounds, today. Today I just have to do today. And then I asked the world of Facebook to pray. And I received so many encouraging words. And God swooped. Peace fell. Circumstances did not change. Fatigue was an issue all day yesterday. But peace in the midst of it is indescribable.
Another exposure came in the package of failure. As a mom. The days I just lay in bed are SO unbelievably hard. Rest? That is a word that a mom does not know. My job? Rest. In my *former life* I dreamed of rest. Now? I fight it.
Failure as a wife. Oh let me count the ways. I looked in the mirror yesterday and I thought to myself, "I look like a Holocaust victim." With my shaved head and my ribs poking through my skin. I glanced at our wedding photo (it will be eight years in May) and thought, "In sickness and in health... who knew?" Of course, Steve spoke sternly to me when I voiced these thoughts. But it's hard to not feel what you feel.
Failure as a friend. I'll admit it, I've battled jealousy. I'm jealous of my friends who's lives go on as *normal.* I've battled this one hard, because this will only destroy me. But in the dark post-chemo days, it is a quick place to go. (PS friends, don't stop telling me about your *normal* lives. This is MY issue, not yours!!!)
Thankfully, God is exposing all of these ugly places. I have people praying. I have a God who is loving this crap out of me. Squeezing it out. Painful? YES. Worth it? Verdict is still out (just kidding, I know intellectually it is worth it... but couldn't I just read a book or go to a conference on it instead?)
So... that is where I'm at. Feeling a bit more energy today, not enough to go to the last soccer game of the season. That made me sad. But thankful for energy nonetheless.
Pray that I would not sabotage the next two days because I know there is one more chemo day coming. Thanks and have a great weekend!