Saturday, March 19, 2011

Exposed

The past few days have been rough. I know I posted I was doing better, and I was. Then, the fatigue set in. I wish I could describe how it feels. Because it's more than being tired. It's not quite a depression. It is utter fatigue. And it exposed some ugly around here!

I was back to panic attacks yesterday. Mostly because some wrong beliefs of God were stirred up. The *what ifs* returned. What if I can't make these six rounds? This is only number two... and supposedly they get harder. I really don't know if I can persevere. What if my numbers don't ever get any lower? What if I do all of this just to die? What if God is just toying with me? What if He is just playing games with my life? My family? My friends? YOU!

Thankfully, I have a husband who battles lies with me. I shared with him my fears, my lies. We prayed. We reflected on who GOD says He is. And that once again, my circumstances do not dictate His character. We also chatted about how I don't have to do four more rounds, today. Today I just have to do today. And then I asked the world of Facebook to pray. And I received so many encouraging words. And God swooped. Peace fell. Circumstances did not change. Fatigue was an issue all day yesterday. But peace in the midst of it is indescribable.

Another exposure came in the package of failure. As a mom. The days I just lay in bed are SO unbelievably hard. Rest? That is a word that a mom does not know. My job? Rest. In my *former life* I dreamed of rest. Now? I fight it.

Failure as a wife. Oh let me count the ways. I looked in the mirror yesterday and I thought to myself, "I look like a Holocaust victim." With my shaved head and my ribs poking through my skin. I glanced at our wedding photo (it will be eight years in May) and thought, "In sickness and in health... who knew?" Of course, Steve spoke sternly to me when I voiced these thoughts. But it's hard to not feel what you feel.

Failure as a friend. I'll admit it, I've battled jealousy. I'm jealous of my friends who's lives go on as *normal.* I've battled this one hard, because this will only destroy me. But in the dark post-chemo days, it is a quick place to go. (PS friends, don't stop telling me about your *normal* lives. This is MY issue, not yours!!!)

Thankfully, God is exposing all of these ugly places. I have people praying. I have a God who is loving this crap out of me. Squeezing it out. Painful? YES. Worth it? Verdict is still out (just kidding, I know intellectually it is worth it... but couldn't I just read a book or go to a conference on it instead?)

So... that is where I'm at. Feeling a bit more energy today, not enough to go to the last soccer game of the season. That made me sad. But thankful for energy nonetheless.

Pray that I would not sabotage the next two days because I know there is one more chemo day coming. Thanks and have a great weekend!

10 comments:

cindy q said...

E, I read this and burst into tears. I wish I could change your circumstances. I so wish I could blow on a birthday candle and all of a sudden you would have "normal" E's life. However, I know that God has good in this. He is a good God. He loves you. Steve loves you. Your kids love you. Your Dad loves you. Your friends love you. We have all desired to change this. Yet,We all love you, enough to know that God is in control.

Angie Matessa said...

Ooohh E. Bless you for writing how it is- how it really is. Bless you for having the energy to share with us your reality. It would be easier to just skip the update or say- I'm doing ok. Thank you for giving us this perspective and asking for what you need- telling us what you need. We will continue to pray- and pray hard for you and your team. One day at a time- maybe that can be a tattoo for you. :0)

Greg&Kara said...

You are going to get through this round! And then we can pray you find the strength for the next one. So glad your hubby is there to love you when you feel awful and feel awful about yourself. From what I've read your numbers have been great so far, will keep praying they go down. Perhaps with the rest u need a new chick flick? I highly recommend the 8 hour (!). Pride n predjudice miniseries to distract you :-).

Sara@www.tablegrace.net said...

You and I would make quite a pair today. I made my bed and then needed an hour nap.

Thinking and praying for you and your spirits.

Love to you all.

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

You know I started praying about this very thing when I heard you were having a good day! The hard part of having good days is sometimes they make the hard ones seem harder. Thank you for sharing. Struggling in prayer with you.

Karen said...

we are with you, E. And so is the Lord. Though I'm sure it's hard to sense that. We (and all those in heaven) are holding you up and cheering you on!
Much love,
Karen

Troy Masters said...

We are continuing to lift up your family at Solid Rock. 2 Cor. 12:10 (praying that Christ's power rests on you!)

Lisa Jackson said...

Sister, I am honored and thankful that you allow us to share this journey with you...no words could even begin to say how challenged I am by your posts. Thank you for spurring me onward when at times you may feel like you are just getting through...And I praise God for His sovereignty in knowing far advance the type of husband that you would need...its a blessing to see him serve you and remind you of truth. Just cant thank you enough for your honesty and realness-you will never know how completely refreshing that is! : )

H in Berlin said...

I am going to pray for you now as I meditate on the verses in Isaiah 40:28-31. "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young en shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." I claim this promise for you today, that you would dive into his strength and be renewed as you move through your day and your weary body fights the cancer. I pray you would not be tempted to despair, that your thoughts would not stray to worry, but that the Holy Spirit would encourage you, even in sighs, to fill your mind with what is true, and good, and lovely - on Christ.

Anonymous said...

Fighting for you, and your heart, E, on my knees today (again!). Renouncing the lies of the enemy - by the blood of Jesus, you are covered today with HIS truth, grace, and mercy. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably your "exposure" - you give me (and others) permission to do the same... out of the darkness, into the Light, our hearts are healed. love to you. ~Jean