Yesterday turned out to be sort of a break through for me. It's hard for me to explain my mental/emotional/spiritual state. I've tried throughout the past two weeks. Bits and pieces. I'm afraid the whole of it would have been too overwhelming.
It definitely started last week with a meeting with our pastor. Then at Church on Sunday, God met me. To some of you that may sound foreign. He didn't actually stroll down the aisle or audibly speak to me. But He met me in the aisle and spoke to my spirit. It began a process (that will continue probably forever) for me to lay down the *idol* of life and put God back on the throne. Meaning, WHATEVER happens, I will at least try and trust him.
I experienced peace for the first time in weeks after that. The next day in the chemo room... peace. (When I started to panic, I prayed and told him I trusted Him and there was peace. Until the next five minutes when I had to do it again.) I started to get hungry. I've been eating like crazy.
Then yesterday it occurred to me, I've been living like I'm in some kind of self imposed punishment. I have not had my radio on in six weeks. I have not really enjoyed friends. Laughed with my family. Gone out to eat. Shopped.
Yesterday a friend was coming over for lunch. We were going to have left overs. I was afraid to leave the house in case I started to feel bad. But by the time she got here I had prayed and told God I trusted Him. We went to Panera. I treated. I ate. I laughed. I loved it.
I came home and last night I painted my toenails. I have not done that since I got my diagnosis. I didn't do it intentionally. It occurred to me yesterday I've had this "Why bother?" attitude.
Each night after the kids are in bed I get my jammies on, bring my pillow down and camp out on the couch. You know, 'cuz I'm sick. Last night I decided I was not bringing my pillow down. I would put on comfy pants, but not full on jammies. I was going to have a normal night.
Today I'm taking the boys to the mall to meet friends at the play area. I have nine more days until the next round of chemo. And I'm going to live them up...trusting God all the way (until I don't, and then I'll trust again.)