Friday, March 4, 2011

Breakthrough of sorts

Yesterday turned out to be sort of a break through for me. It's hard for me to explain my mental/emotional/spiritual state. I've tried throughout the past two weeks. Bits and pieces. I'm afraid the whole of it would have been too overwhelming.

It definitely started last week with a meeting with our pastor. Then at Church on Sunday, God met me. To some of you that may sound foreign. He didn't actually stroll down the aisle or audibly speak to me. But He met me in the aisle and spoke to my spirit. It began a process (that will continue probably forever) for me to lay down the *idol* of life and put God back on the throne. Meaning, WHATEVER happens, I will at least try and trust him.

I experienced peace for the first time in weeks after that. The next day in the chemo room... peace. (When I started to panic, I prayed and told him I trusted Him and there was peace. Until the next five minutes when I had to do it again.) I started to get hungry. I've been eating like crazy.

Then yesterday it occurred to me, I've been living like I'm in some kind of self imposed punishment. I have not had my radio on in six weeks. I have not really enjoyed friends. Laughed with my family. Gone out to eat. Shopped.

Yesterday a friend was coming over for lunch. We were going to have left overs. I was afraid to leave the house in case I started to feel bad. But by the time she got here I had prayed and told God I trusted Him. We went to Panera. I treated. I ate. I laughed. I loved it.

I came home and last night I painted my toenails. I have not done that since I got my diagnosis. I didn't do it intentionally. It occurred to me yesterday I've had this "Why bother?" attitude.

Each night after the kids are in bed I get my jammies on, bring my pillow down and camp out on the couch. You know, 'cuz I'm sick. Last night I decided I was not bringing my pillow down. I would put on comfy pants, but not full on jammies. I was going to have a normal night.

Today I'm taking the boys to the mall to meet friends at the play area. I have nine more days until the next round of chemo. And I'm going to live them up...trusting God all the way (until I don't, and then I'll trust again.)

19 comments:

jenny from mommin' it up said...

I love this. Thanks, E.

Linnea Anderson said...

Isn't it funny how our trust is such a "daily" thing, or such a "moment" thing?? I'm continuing to pray for you, E. that each "moments" of trust will continue to bring you peace... Loving you from B'creek.

Linnea Anderson said...

hahaha um, so somehow the above comment says it's from "Linnea Anderson"?? But it's actually from me, Jean - the nanny mama hahahahaa

Anonymous said...

Yay!

Michele Braceros

Karen said...

so happy for this sabbath rest of trust and a little peace. I can totally understand your sadness and "why bother" mindset, but what a gift from the Lord to have some HOPE!

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ through whom we have gained access by faith into this GRACE IN WHICH WE NOW STAND. And we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character HOPE. And HOPE does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.

vwiller said...

Why I have tried to leave more "normal" comments even though the prayers and love has continued without fail!!

Lisa Jackson said...

All I have to say is VICTORY IN JESUS!!!! E, do you even know how much joy this brings to my soul? :) Your description of "self imposed punishment" hit me hard...I realize how much I do that to myself just in terms of sin issues...almost like I am reverting back to my catholic days and try to pay a penance for something that Jesus already paid for!! Oh my dear sister, there has been SOOOOO much grace and victory already! Love you!

Katie said...

LOVE IT E!! proud of you!

Julie said...

Praise the Lord for His Fatihfulness, to meet you in your moment of need and provide breakthrough! Live it up Girl!

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Yay! Such an encouraging post! Way to be YOU again. We'll keep praying. Enjoy your time off from chemo.

Anonymous said...

E, hi,:),I have been quietly following your blog since some friends of mine mentioned you on FB and I've been following your posts ever since you first went in for your initial surgery. I don't know you personally, but I can imagine you would be the type of person I would likely be friends with:). But my heart aches for you and your situation. I hurt for you and for this struggle you and your family are facing together, and I'm impressed and encouraged by your transparency and brutal honesty through this whole thing, so inspiring! But as I've followed your ups and downs it brings me joy to read this particular post where you seemed to have reached a point with yourself personally where you will allow yourself to "live" in spite of this blucky situation. We are on the outside looking in, you are down in the middle of it. But anyone reading has been able to see your progress. And to see you, through your writings, say you have gotten to a point where you've been able to poke your head up through the discouraging, forming clouds of sadness and fear and be able to see the whole horizon and switch, for a moment, your mind set and allow and give yourself permission to "thrive" and decide to "live" in spite of your situation, gives me, and all these others who are praying and following your journey, joy and hope.:) PLEASE, whatever it was that clicked in your brain and helped you see and have a moment of clarity, please memorize and etch it into your brain, because in spite of all of this, you, through God's power and Christ's strength have the right to plow through this situation in whatever way you want to, and it encourages me to see you find a way to let yourself incorporate a trust and joy! I will keep you and your family in my prayers, keep it up, we out here are inspired and challenged by your posts every day, God bless!

Rose said...

Oh E, I can hear the peace in your words, you sound so much more relaxed. I can almost hear a "yep, ok, let's move on" sort of feeling. Thankful for this season of peace for you. God is pretty awesome isn't He? Enjoy your weekend.

Celia said...

This was so encouraging. Love you, girl.

Rachel said...

AMEN!!!! Thanks for blessing my soul, friend.

Marisa said...

What a great post! Thank you for sharing your heart. So glad you are experiencing His peace and choosing to trust Him time and time again.

Anonymous said...

AMEN!I'm so glad to see you are doing sowell! Awesome testimony to the power of prayer! Will continue to pray for you and your family!

Lisa said...

E, this is a beautiful post. I'm laying in bed praying for you and getting ready to go to bed. Decide to check your blog and praise!!! What joy to hear how you're doing friend! What a beautiful testimony of God's timing and how he brings us through His way... We can't speed Him up. He helps us trust and rest in His time. I needed this reminder too. But I'll keep praying! ****hugs****

Gu Ping said...

Hey, e. I love you! and thanks for sharing your pieces in life! i will continue to follow and pray for you!

The Halters said...

thank you for sharing your journey. when we are strong enough or willing enough to do so, it is amazing how many others relate to what you experience or are helped by your 'aha' moments. the term 'self-imposed imprisonment' is something that is coming to light for me. by God's grace we will all get through our mental maps and rejoice in His marvelous love and work in our lives.

it also struck me recently when i read Isaiah 49 -- God doesn't only inscribe us on 'a' palm or 'the' palm of His hand but 'the palms' of His hands. that means He includes me in all directions He works. in coming and going, in lifting and in settling. praise Him for His love to include you and me...all of us...on the 'palms' of His hands.

blessings.....