I'll tell you what, I'm only 37 but this past month my body has revolted on me! I've had some horrendous nights of sleep the past 2 nights and today I've concluded its my body's revenge on all the stress I've been carrying around. So thanks to my amazing husband, I took the morning "off", headed to a coffee shop and spent some much needed time with Jesus. All I can say is "Ahhh..." I guess I could also say, "Wish I had a re-do with that lady at the Greene the other day" but whatever.
Because I'm a firm believer in why re-invent the wheel, I'm just going to share with you a bit of an entry from my journal. While I hesitate to be so transparent with some of you who are strangers, many of you are my good friends and I want you to know where I really am in my heart as far as this whole adoption goes. So bear with me!
"Lord, I release my fears to you.
- I am afraid I'm in over my head
- I am afraid Turner will be lost in the shuffle
- I am afraid Turner will be resentful
- I am afraid Quinn won't bond with us
- I am afraid of the medical stuff with Quinn
- I am afraid I won't have the patience for 3 kids
- I am afraid of my own routine changing
- I am afraid I can't do this
- I am afraid my body will hurt in China
- I am afraid of what it will be like to bring Quinn home
- I am afraid having 3 will be too hard
- I am afraid of no sleep for the next several months
- I am afraid of jet lag with a kid who is freaking out
- I am afraid something bad will happen to the kids while we're away
- I am afraid of Quinn not fitting in
- I am afraid it won't be picture perfect
- I am afraid I wont be able to go and work out anymore
- I am afraid we'll die and the kids will be left alone
Lord, I give these fears to you, instead of carrying them around inside of me. I ask that you would bear my burdens. Your yolk is easy and your burden is light. Will you please trade me?
So everyone keeps saying, "You must be so excited to go and get Quinn." Every time I feel a bit of guilt because although, yes I'm excited, I'm also nervous as heck. For all of the reasons above. Shouldn't I be beside myself to meet my son? And I am, its just also countered by my fear. So, please, release me Lord. "
The journal entry goes on (and on... I had a nice hour and a half... and a good cup of coffee!) but that was really where I've been living. I won't say I'm totally done with worry, but as I left the coffee shop, I realized the tension headache I woke up with this morning was gone! I feel like I have done business with God and I am now ready to go!
5 comments:
Hey E. We'll be praying for you. And I have to say that your fears are very real and very reasonable. I know we're not there yet, but I share many of the same fears already about bringing our little girl home. I think most people who are on the outside of adoption looking in only see the good things and how exciting it all is. But those of us on the other side understand that while adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing it's also all about loss and grieving for the child...and that it comes with issues (attachment, etc) that are completely different than with a biological child. Thank you for honestly sharing your fears and giving all of us some very specific things to pray about. You and Steve are amazing and I know you guys can do this.
Thanks for being so vulnerable and authentic, Elizabeth, with your heart. Adoption is definitely a journey of emotions...once you have him though and get through the initial adjustment time, it's like all the difficulties are SO out-weighed by the joy that you feel for this child that God predestined to be in your family. All of your "concerns" are so many of the same things I wrestled with before we picked up Beckett in Guat. and I think it is so normal. I remember standing in the shower here at home before we left on our flight just feeling sick to my stomach over the life-change that was about to happen...and yet so much of it was the anticipation of it all. So excited for Quinn to be here and for you to settle into your new "normal". Please let us know if you need anything!
Jenny
calcrew.wordpress.com
thanks for sharing...even joyful things give us the opportunity to give lots of stuff to Jesus. Love you guys!
e...so thankful that you got away with Jesus and i will be praying for these specific things for you along the journey these next weeks!love to you!
love you, friend... my dad told me once, "nothing worth doing is ever without sacrifice." It's true. This is hard... and good.... I'd be out of my mind! But, His grace is sufficient! even for you... a mom of 3! Can't wait to hear more.
Karen
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