Brave enough

Over the weekend I returned from a solo trip to Target (can you hear the satisfied sigh from there?) to find Steve and the 3 kids watching old home videos. I didn't even take off my jacket, pulled up a chair and remained planted there for the next hour and fifteen minutes. I would have stayed longer but we had to get ready for our house church to arrive.

You see, we have 4, count them f.o.u.r. years worth of videos we've never watched. I'm not exactly sure why we haven't watched them. We got the video camera about 2 weeks before Olivia was born. I'm sure we have hours of incredibly dull footage of a sleeping/crying O (that's what she was best at... the sleeping/crying combo.) But I'm only guessing at that because in these four years we've gone back and watched them exactly never. But that's pretty consistent with our technologically challenged selves.

Recently I've been losing sleep (literally) over the fact that we have all these mini cartridges laying around our house but have not labeled them nor watched them. I assume in order to shut me up, (I'm good at whining and complaining, not so good on the action/execution part of a plan) Steve unearthed them and began sorting through them.

The result? Pure delight. The kids are getting to the point (especially Olivia) where they really like to see themselves on tv. It really is amazing how quickly you forget what they were like, even a year ago. And I am thankful that we have the footage (even the boring stuff) because I don't want to forget.

Last night we bit the bullet and got brave enough to watch the video from China of us picking up Quinn. You see, it was SUCH an emotional ordeal for the both of us (in different ways, naturally) that up until now, we just couldn't pull off the scab and go back there. There wasn't anything wrong or bad with the trip/experience. It was just so incredibly deep and emotional. Panic attacks, fulfillment of dreams/waiting, painful emotions for Quinn himself. To experience it again on video has been more than we could muster up; until now.

We braced ourselves, and loved every moment of the not so many moments we have on tape. After watching it last night, we realized we didn't really take all that much footage. But the important stuff was there. And it was HILARIOUS to see some of the same behaviors from the very first 15 minutes of knowing him until now.

I wish we knew how to get some of the video up here so you could see it for yourself. But until we do, I want to share one story.

His caregiver was there and when Quinn started to freak out, she gave him a cracker. Kid held onto that cracker for dear life. Not eating it, just holding it. Well after a few moments we got out a sucker. In order to give him the sucker, Steve took the cracker out of his hand. Quinn went ballistic! Oops. Cardinal rule of knowing Quinn #1... NEVER take food from him. Steve quickly learned the rule and immediately gave the cracker back. Too late. Quinn took that cracker and threw that bad boy on the ground. And was pissed!

True to this day, you might see that same event happen several times a day around here. We had a good chuckle as we realized how he hasn't really changed all that much, and it made my heart happy. Sometimes I just don't know what to expect out of an adopted kid. You kinda wonder who he would have been if he had stayed at the orphanage, if he had been raised by his birth parents or joined a different family.

My guess about Quinn... he would have been the kid we see before us. And oh how I love him!

It was odd because I don't often get too sad about missing out on his baby years. Of course I wish we had had those, don't get me wrong. But its not like I have this heartsick feeling about it. It is was it is. But I have to say, watching some of the videos of O and Turner with no Quinn in them and realizing that he, too, was alive but not here made me sad. It made me sad that there are nearly 2 years of his life that have no video. There is no record of what he was doing or not doing. I actually teared up at the thought. More so for him than for me. I know there will come a day when he has to reconcile himself to that fact, and I hate it!

But now, we'll make up for lost time. And with his dad around, there will be plenty of boring/long footage to go around.