Hating goodbye

Here I am. It's been a few days for several reasons. Not the least of which is that I was thoroughly enjoying my Aunt Sherry's visit. We dropped her off at the airport this morning and I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few tears shed. Since my mom has been gone, there has been an obvious hole in my life. My aunt has stepped in and although she and I both know the hole will never be filled (nor should it be) her involvement in my life has been essential. For both of us. This week solidified that. There were times this week that, when I closed my eyes, I could hear my mom's voice. A hug felt like her. A play time with my kids felt eerily the same. And I'm pretty sure Jesus arranged this visit to soothe an aching place in my heart. So as I put her on a plane this morning, I immediately panicked. The distraction this week was so sweet. And although the week was typically rough, having her around made it so much more tolerable. Now, I look ahead to this week. Tomorrow, the third day of my third round of chemo. Tomorrow marks the half way point. The panic came when I realized I'm back to *normal.* For pretty much this whole time I've marked chemo by when my aunt would be with me. I guess I didn't realize how hard it is to not have family around. Don't get me wrong, friends have been stepping in as only family would. Steve's parents re-arranged their spring trip south around my chemo. It's been fantastic. But there is something different about YOUR own family. The good news is that Aunt Sherry and Uncle Tom are headed east from Arizona at the end of May. They will be driving through. I will see her one more time before this thing wraps up. And I know God will provide other *distractions*. He will deliver just what I need, just when I need it. But it's that whole walk of faith thing that I'm just having a hard time with. I'd rather know what He's planning and when it's arriving. Pray for me. I've had diarrhea all day as I've felt sad about saying goodbye, wondering how in the WORLD I'm going to make it through three more treatments and looking ahead to my week. I'm overwhelmed. Which, in God's economy, is a good place to be. In my economy, it stinks. Pray for tomorrow to be as least uncomfortable as it can be (it's an abdominal chemo day), that this diarrhea stops and that I'll trust the Lord to provide what I need, when I need it. Oh, yeah, and that this chemo kills that stupid cancer once and for all!