Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Some other day

I know I'm behind in posts. There are so many fun pictures and stories to tell from my 20th High School reunion (someone reminded me of the lamo cheer we came up with *we are cool. cool we be. we are the class of 90.*) But honestly, since my reunion I've just been kind of down. Which is weird, since I had SO MUCH FUN and had SO MANY laughs over the weekend. But coming back to Dayton found me blue. Frankly, I miss my mom so much it hurts. Things have made me sad. I've had dreaded anticipation before certain days over the past 2 months, but this is the first time that an event has left lingering sadness.

I think partly because oh how we would have had such fun talking about the reunion. Who got fat. Who didn't. Who is living in interesting places. Who is not (umm... me!) I would have told her about the folder that I dug out of our attic that was crammed full of my old River Phoenix and Corey Haim posters (laminated of course) that hung in my locker. She would have even wanted to look at them with me. She would have questions. And follow up questions. And she would have wanted to see pictures. And she would have sat down and looked through my old year books with me. She would have remembered things about my high school years that I don't even remember. She would have been equally as agitated by the fact that the old Athletic Director (who cheated me out of my varsity letter for swimming back in 1987-but I'm not bitter) is STILL working at the school.

Oh what fun it would have been.

Instead, my sweet dad took a stab at being interested. But his eyes glazed over somewhere around my River Phoenix posters. Steve was a real trooper as he spent many hours being my *date* (I went to an all girls high school. We agreed to bring our husbands to the reunion and then promptly left them huddled in a corner eating snacks as we laughed until we cried over pictures of our 80's hair!) But he could only look at so many River Phoenix posters before getting bored.

I can't help but feel a bit *cheated.* Why couldn't she have lasted a few more months? Just long enough to gossip with me post reunion? Why couldn't she have lasted long enough to celebrate Quinn's one year anniversary of his U.S. arrival on August 5th? Why couldn't she have lasted only 10 days longer to see me turn 38? Its all selfish. Because I know if she had lasted longer, it would have been painful. Full of suffering. But shoot... today I just want my mommy.

I'll rally. I know I will. And when I do I'll have lots of big hair photos and current shots of my high school girls. Just not today, but I think you'll understand.


Colleen said...

Not selfish. Just normal. You and your Mom had a unique, wonderful relationship. She was your Mom, but also your friend and #1 fan. No one obviously can take her place or fill her shoes but remember that you have lots of friends who are here for you. Anytime you want to talk, I am here. I keep finding myself chuckling over things that were said and remembered Saturday night.

KTC said...

oh friend...thinking of you as you walk this hard road at a relatively young age. Weall assume we'll have our parents much, much longer. I'm sorry you have to go through these benchmarks without her. Thank goodness (Thank God, really) you have a loving husband and good community to lean on, as well as a Heavenly Father. And yet, I'm sure your heart aches with sadness. Oh, the joy and redemption we look forward to... we groan with longing... . our place is with Him.