Monday, June 14, 2010

A new era

Last Friday, June 11th, my mom went to be with Jesus. She was 69. It was a grueling two weeks of Hospice care. Someday I might go into details of some of the sweet last days and conversations I got to have with her. Because there were many. And I'm thankful for that. But today, it's too raw. Too recent. Too bittersweet. Although words can't describe how much I miss my mom and have already three times today reached for my phone to call her; I am thankful that for the first time in years (and by years I mean nearly a decade) she is pain-free, whole and happy. I delight and smile when I think of that. And I can be confidant in that fact, because my mom L.O.V.E.D. Jesus. Even in some of her deepest depressions, she wanted to want to pray. She didn't fear death. She longed for heaven.

I'm not sad for her. I'm sad for me. I'm sad for my kids. I'm sad for my mom's sister. I'm sad for my dad. But I'm NOT sad for her.

After two crazy weeks, we are trying to get back into some kind of normal today. The kids and I went to the Y. I did Pilate's (lordhavemercy... it's been 3 weeks since I've moved a muscle), went to the Chiropractor and this afternoon its off to the outdoor pool for some water fun. Getting back to normal. Its hard to do. Oh, but my mom would be SO MAD if I didn't!

We head back to Toledo this Friday. We'll have a memorial service for her on Saturday. We'll stay a bit for Father's Day. Monday is my birthday. I can barely even think about what it will be like with no Birthday phone call from her. No card, no presents. No fanfare. No re-telling of my birth story for the 38th time (yep, I really am going to be 38. Sounds old, doesn't it?!) Lots of *firsts* without her that I'm not looking forward to. Oddly, I think I'm going to be okay. Sad, but okay. Forgive me if my blog is a bit schmaltzy for awhile. I just might need it to be!


Joyce said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is hard. I'm so glad you have the peace of knowing she is free from pain and all her earthly sorrows. Be kind to yourself in these coming days and months. I say be as scmaltzy as you want to be. Take care!

KTC said...

great photo!! we're thinking of you....