So, it looks like I'm a control freak. Funny, I didn't really put two and two together until this week. It's overwhelmed me. I'm trying to do *cancer* right. I'm trying to do chemo right. I'm trying to walk with Jesus and trust Him right. Guess what? I'm sucking at it. I'm a total basket case! I've had panic attacks. I've had a panic attack while on Zanex. I've had adverse reactions to Benedryl. I've been awake all night after taking Ambien. I'm a freakazoid. Then I try and figure out how *I* can rest in Jesus. Rest. Food. Peace. Those are the key things I need right now. I can't access them. Pray for that. I'm trying to do this perfect, and that is what will take me out, not all this other stuff.
Physically, I'm pooped. I tried to blow dry Olivia's hair last night and got winded. I've lost too much weight and am trying to eat. I walk around the living room or go upstairs and need to sit. It is so weird. Humbling. Overwhelming.
I've avoided blogging this week. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm not doing this perfectly. And before you all leave a hundred comments saying there is no perfect way or that I'll never do it perfectly, TRUST ME, I know. This is just part of my journey right now. And I'm even trying to push through this real fast to get to the other side. I just need to be. To roll with it. To let go. But guess what? That's not easy for a control freak!
There you have it. I guess all in all, I'm fine. Thankful that this really did go better than it could have. I am just struggling. Hard stuff sucks!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
In it
Had a bit of a rough night last night. I got home and started having abdominal cramping. And sorry, this is the real deal, diarrhea all night. Then this metal taste came on and with that I couldn't tell if I was getting nauseous (you know that taste right before you throw up? Yep, that's what I get all the time with this new medicine.) I took medicine for nausea and feel better. I just need to stay on top of it. I am tired this morning... I'm sure there are lots of contributing factors.
I've been a bit overwhelmed this morning. I'm trying to focus on Jesus and stay positive. But this road feels pretty long this morning. And then I've been feeling fearful again. Like, what if I walk this hard road and the cancer doesn't get cured? Please pray for me to trust Jesus, no matter what the circumstances. If I'm barfing, achy, pooping, not pooping, bald, tired, feeling good, nearing the end, cured or not. I get overwhelmed trying to *get it right* with God too. Like if I could just get it right (whatever that means) He would let me bypass this journey.
None of that is going to happen. So I have to figure out how to love God and trust Him without trying to be religious about it. There is no formula. Its just a matter of getting near my friend and letting Him take over. This is so dang hard. Harder than I thought. And I've been a full time Christian worker for 15 years. Ha!
It sounds like my symptoms will morph and change and I get a slight break until Monday where I have one more treatment in this round. Then I'm off for nearly 2 weeks. Then it starts again. I'll be nervous for day 2 again, but at least I'll know a bit more what to expect. Pray for minimal side effects (and if not that I'd be able to handle whatever comes my way) and pray that I would not allow the what if's to taint today! Thanks
I've been a bit overwhelmed this morning. I'm trying to focus on Jesus and stay positive. But this road feels pretty long this morning. And then I've been feeling fearful again. Like, what if I walk this hard road and the cancer doesn't get cured? Please pray for me to trust Jesus, no matter what the circumstances. If I'm barfing, achy, pooping, not pooping, bald, tired, feeling good, nearing the end, cured or not. I get overwhelmed trying to *get it right* with God too. Like if I could just get it right (whatever that means) He would let me bypass this journey.
None of that is going to happen. So I have to figure out how to love God and trust Him without trying to be religious about it. There is no formula. Its just a matter of getting near my friend and letting Him take over. This is so dang hard. Harder than I thought. And I've been a full time Christian worker for 15 years. Ha!
It sounds like my symptoms will morph and change and I get a slight break until Monday where I have one more treatment in this round. Then I'm off for nearly 2 weeks. Then it starts again. I'll be nervous for day 2 again, but at least I'll know a bit more what to expect. Pray for minimal side effects (and if not that I'd be able to handle whatever comes my way) and pray that I would not allow the what if's to taint today! Thanks
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
2 down
Well 2 treatments down, 16 to go.
Yesterday was terrifying. The nurses were great. I had a reaction to the first chemo drug, which is common. They had to give me extra Benedryl and extra steroids. Then they had to drip the chemo slower. It finally worked. What is funny is everyone around me was happily sleeping through their treatments. Me? Apparently, Benedryl makes me a bit wired. As do the steroids. A few hours into it, I was literally doing laps around the nurses station. I'm sure people thought I was crazy and talked about me when I left. Oh well. Looks like I'm totally going to be known as *that lady who walks when she comes.* It was an 8 hour day yesterday. Wowzers.
When I got home I was ready to go! I literally could have cleaned my whole house, visited with friends, watch the Bachelor (guess which one of those I actually did?!) I didn't sleep well last night, some because I was wired, some because I was a bit worried about today and how I would react to the drugs.
We got there bright and early, 8am again today. *Luckily* I was only there 7 hours today. Oye vey! Today they put drugs directly into my abdomen port. They essentially emptied a two liter bottle of pop into my belly. Can you say uncomfortable? But all went well. This is the drug that "will make me feel like I'm on chemo" according to my doctor today. So, we'll see how the next couple of days go.
All in all, I'm glad to have this thing underway. When I look at the bags of chemo hanging on the I.V. cart it scares me. But today I imagined Jesus' hand dripping into my belly and killing all of the cancer cells. That brought me comfort.
So friends, here we go!
Yesterday was terrifying. The nurses were great. I had a reaction to the first chemo drug, which is common. They had to give me extra Benedryl and extra steroids. Then they had to drip the chemo slower. It finally worked. What is funny is everyone around me was happily sleeping through their treatments. Me? Apparently, Benedryl makes me a bit wired. As do the steroids. A few hours into it, I was literally doing laps around the nurses station. I'm sure people thought I was crazy and talked about me when I left. Oh well. Looks like I'm totally going to be known as *that lady who walks when she comes.* It was an 8 hour day yesterday. Wowzers.
When I got home I was ready to go! I literally could have cleaned my whole house, visited with friends, watch the Bachelor (guess which one of those I actually did?!) I didn't sleep well last night, some because I was wired, some because I was a bit worried about today and how I would react to the drugs.
We got there bright and early, 8am again today. *Luckily* I was only there 7 hours today. Oye vey! Today they put drugs directly into my abdomen port. They essentially emptied a two liter bottle of pop into my belly. Can you say uncomfortable? But all went well. This is the drug that "will make me feel like I'm on chemo" according to my doctor today. So, we'll see how the next couple of days go.
All in all, I'm glad to have this thing underway. When I look at the bags of chemo hanging on the I.V. cart it scares me. But today I imagined Jesus' hand dripping into my belly and killing all of the cancer cells. That brought me comfort.
So friends, here we go!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Oh boy
Well, it's here. I'm off in about ten minutes to start my first chemo of round one. I'm pretty nervous. My stomach is in knots. I am trying to just go and trust the Lord, the doctor and the nurses. But the truth is, we just don't know how i'll react. I'm asking God to just give me peace. Tomorrow is a new kind of drug and next monday and new kind. I guess each new day i'll be a bit nervous, since we won't know how I'll do with each one. But God knows.
Steve is going with me both today and tomorrow. I'm thankful for a job with some understanding and flexibility.
Please pray for my nerves. For my body to accept the drug well... and that this stuff will rid my body of cancer once and for all.
Your prayers are felt and appreciated.
I'll update when I can.
Steve is going with me both today and tomorrow. I'm thankful for a job with some understanding and flexibility.
Please pray for my nerves. For my body to accept the drug well... and that this stuff will rid my body of cancer once and for all.
Your prayers are felt and appreciated.
I'll update when I can.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The perfect day
Yesterday was Olivia's 5th birthday. It was perfect. I was still a little ouchy from having the ports put in. So I was moving around the mall like an old lady. But I was so thankful to be there. She had a ball!
We invited seven of her friends and only 5 were able to make it, but we had the best time at Build a Bear Workshop.
At first I was wondering if we would get our money's worth.I'll tell you what, it was a fabulous party.
There was a hostess who was in charge (which meant the parents didn't have to lift a finger... money well spent right there!)
There was a hostess who was in charge (which meant the parents didn't have to lift a finger... money well spent right there!)
She was great. I don't know how these girls keep up the energy to do what the do all day long, but she really made O feel like a princess for an hour.
She got to go first at everything they did. Last year O would have been too shy, but this year she ate it up. Her friends were very patient and they were the perfect age for this party. The brothers were not invited (they would have been a touch too young.)
One of O's classmates has an older sister at their school. *I* has taken a real love for Olivia and whenever they see each other in the hall, *I* runs over and gives Olivia a hug. So Olivia was thrilled to find out that *I* came to her party with her little brother. I don't know too many almost 12 year olds who would willingly and wantingly come to a 5 year old birthday party. So sweet. And I can't think of a better role model for O.
After the party we walked over to the food court for cake and then play time in the play area.I think 5 year old parties are my fav. All the kids wanted to be near the birthday girl. It had me in tears.
My friend, Courtney, just started a new cake company. It's called Sweet Top Cakery and she's local in Dayton. She made this amazing Rapunzel cake.Isn't it adorable?!
The tower is made of rice krispie treat and was totally yummy. As was the cake. Everyone was in awe of the cake and I felt terrible cutting it. Okay, not THAT bad because I really wanted a piece.
Which was great since I'm trying to put on a little weight.
It was the perfect day for our family.
I'm so glad that I was able to feel good enough to be a part of things.
It was a special day. And I can hardly believe what a beautiful, sweet, creative, lovely girl Olivia is becoming. I am thankful.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
One step closer
If you had mentioned Port to me a month ago, I would have figured you were talking about some kind of fancy dessert wine. And, YUM, I might add.
Today, I got a double port. Not so YUM, I might add. But to tell you the truth, this is one of the first days I'm feeling positive. (Maybe the Zoloft is kicking in. Maybe it's because the Cable Guy came to get us hooked up. Maybe it's the Percocet they have me on. Maybe it's the Lord. Who really can tell.)
Don't get me wrong, there is a pain in my side (where the abdomen port is) that hurts worse than when they filleted me open. (Maybe it was the morphine that time.) But all in all I feel like, Okay... one step closer to getting rid of this thing once and for all. Chemo starts bright and early Monday morning. And then again Tuesday morning. And then again the following Monday. And then a break and then start again. So, I may change my merry little tune.
But shoot, I'll take a merry little tune for today. The weather here was amazing (granted, I didn't really enjoy it since I slept the day away. But my kids did and that made me happy.) Isn't it funny how weather can affect so much? Maybe it shouldn't be that way... but it is.
I'm also humbled by God's provision for us. Several of my friends, and even several friends of friends, held a "Bloggy Fundraiser" yesterday. They each did a post about me and my story. They asked their readers to consider giving $5 to help cover the cost of expenses. They called the event *GimmEfive*. Cute, right? What's cuter? The $2,000 that was raised in 24 hours! Amazing! Check it out at the CaringforE website. This whole thing is one big fat humbling experience.
So, thank you if you have contributed. Thank you if you have cooked a meal. Thank you if you have sent a gift card. Thank you if you have cleaned my house. Thank you if you have sent a box of treats for me in the mail. Thank you if you dropped a card in the mail. Thank you if you have left a comment. Thank you if you have prayed for me. Thank you for understanding if a thank you note doesn't get to you in a timely manner (shoot, or at all!) Thank you seems so little and limited. But I am humbled and grateful. Thank you.
Today, I got a double port. Not so YUM, I might add. But to tell you the truth, this is one of the first days I'm feeling positive. (Maybe the Zoloft is kicking in. Maybe it's because the Cable Guy came to get us hooked up. Maybe it's the Percocet they have me on. Maybe it's the Lord. Who really can tell.)
Don't get me wrong, there is a pain in my side (where the abdomen port is) that hurts worse than when they filleted me open. (Maybe it was the morphine that time.) But all in all I feel like, Okay... one step closer to getting rid of this thing once and for all. Chemo starts bright and early Monday morning. And then again Tuesday morning. And then again the following Monday. And then a break and then start again. So, I may change my merry little tune.
But shoot, I'll take a merry little tune for today. The weather here was amazing (granted, I didn't really enjoy it since I slept the day away. But my kids did and that made me happy.) Isn't it funny how weather can affect so much? Maybe it shouldn't be that way... but it is.
I'm also humbled by God's provision for us. Several of my friends, and even several friends of friends, held a "Bloggy Fundraiser" yesterday. They each did a post about me and my story. They asked their readers to consider giving $5 to help cover the cost of expenses. They called the event *GimmEfive*. Cute, right? What's cuter? The $2,000 that was raised in 24 hours! Amazing! Check it out at the CaringforE website. This whole thing is one big fat humbling experience.
So, thank you if you have contributed. Thank you if you have cooked a meal. Thank you if you have sent a gift card. Thank you if you have cleaned my house. Thank you if you have sent a box of treats for me in the mail. Thank you if you dropped a card in the mail. Thank you if you have left a comment. Thank you if you have prayed for me. Thank you for understanding if a thank you note doesn't get to you in a timely manner (shoot, or at all!) Thank you seems so little and limited. But I am humbled and grateful. Thank you.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I'm back
Hey friends, sorry for the short bloggy vacay. I wish I could tell you Steve and I hopped on a plane and headed to some sun and sand for the weekend. Shocker, we didn't. In fact, I just have not had the gumption to get on here and update since Friday because, quite frankly, some days it's just hard. We went to church on Saturday night and toward the end of the service I got a call on my cell from an unknown number. They left a voicemail and it occurred to me that it might be the hospital in Toledo where my dad is. So, I had Steve step out and listen. Because seriously, now would be the PERFECT time for him to be in the hospital, right?!
Sure enough, my dad, who lives alone now since my mom passed away in June, had an *episode* in the middle of the night on Friday. Thankfully, he was able to crawl to the phone and dial 911. The EMS came and got him. He should be released today. They still don't know what happened. It wasn't his heart (he's got a bad heart and has a pacemaker, so the Dr. knows when it goes off.) I'm wondering if he didn't have some kind of panic attack. He's been very emotional about my situation.
We were already planning on going to see him Monday-Tuesday. Mostly because there is no telling when we'll be able to go and see him again. He's not well enough to drive here for a visit.
There I sat in the middle of church and broke down. Literally, for the first time in all of this I had the thought and spoke the words, "Jesus, I just CAN'T do this!" You know that whole, "God won't give you anything more than you can handle?" Yeah, well... I'm just about there! Steve and I got home and we prayed together. Oh, it was so good. I had this weird peace wash over me. I just got calm. Like God said, "Duh! Of course you can't handle this. NOW it's time to give up control. I'll handle this one."
We hopped in the car and went to visit my dad. The trip was stressful. My body aches. My anxiety is high. I have frequent panic attacks. We didn't get to spend much time with my dad because the kids weren't allowed in his room. But we went. It was good. He's doing better.
As for me, I have my moments. I go for an outpatient surgery tomorrow where I'll have two ports placed for my chemo. Chemo starts Monday morning, probably at 9am. I have thoughts of death. I have all the "what if's". I'm having trouble staying positive. And then God swoops in. You know that old cliche, "One day at a time." Yeah, I'm living it. The big picture overwhelms me. I can't do that. But I can go and get a handicapped hanger for my car at the BMV today. Then I can pick Olivia up from school.
Tomorrow I'll worry about getting through the port surgery. Pray for me. I want to enjoy today. It's a battle. But it's one that Jesus wants to fight for me. Pray I'll stop fighting and let HIM be my shield. Guess what? That's easier said than done!
Sure enough, my dad, who lives alone now since my mom passed away in June, had an *episode* in the middle of the night on Friday. Thankfully, he was able to crawl to the phone and dial 911. The EMS came and got him. He should be released today. They still don't know what happened. It wasn't his heart (he's got a bad heart and has a pacemaker, so the Dr. knows when it goes off.) I'm wondering if he didn't have some kind of panic attack. He's been very emotional about my situation.
We were already planning on going to see him Monday-Tuesday. Mostly because there is no telling when we'll be able to go and see him again. He's not well enough to drive here for a visit.
There I sat in the middle of church and broke down. Literally, for the first time in all of this I had the thought and spoke the words, "Jesus, I just CAN'T do this!" You know that whole, "God won't give you anything more than you can handle?" Yeah, well... I'm just about there! Steve and I got home and we prayed together. Oh, it was so good. I had this weird peace wash over me. I just got calm. Like God said, "Duh! Of course you can't handle this. NOW it's time to give up control. I'll handle this one."
We hopped in the car and went to visit my dad. The trip was stressful. My body aches. My anxiety is high. I have frequent panic attacks. We didn't get to spend much time with my dad because the kids weren't allowed in his room. But we went. It was good. He's doing better.
As for me, I have my moments. I go for an outpatient surgery tomorrow where I'll have two ports placed for my chemo. Chemo starts Monday morning, probably at 9am. I have thoughts of death. I have all the "what if's". I'm having trouble staying positive. And then God swoops in. You know that old cliche, "One day at a time." Yeah, I'm living it. The big picture overwhelms me. I can't do that. But I can go and get a handicapped hanger for my car at the BMV today. Then I can pick Olivia up from school.
Tomorrow I'll worry about getting through the port surgery. Pray for me. I want to enjoy today. It's a battle. But it's one that Jesus wants to fight for me. Pray I'll stop fighting and let HIM be my shield. Guess what? That's easier said than done!
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