What a day

Well, since my days w/ hair are numbered, I thought I'd post a few pics. Today is the first day I've had the gumption to try on a pair of jeans. Mostly because my incision is still just a little too raw to want a piece of denim hugging it.

Simply putting on jeans (instead of the comfy yoga pants I've been laying around in) helped me feel human. They still are not the most comfy and probably won't wear them all day, but it helps to feel normal.
The problem is, they are now a bit big. I know, I know, even a month ago I'd kill to have them falling off, but seriously, not this way. Whatever.

I'm going to try and take care of that tonight. Steve and I are taking the kids to the mall to play for awhile (it is SO FREAKIN COLD HERE.) I fear I'm a bit depressed and the weather is NOT helping. After the mall we are going to go out to eat. We have not done that in over a month. The plan is to head to Red Robin. Where I plan to eat a big fat juicy hamburger. Take that you stupid ovarian cancer! I might even throw in an endless french fry basket to boot.

I got the phone call today that let me know about my chemo regimen. It's all kinds of complicated, but suffice it to say I'm most likely going in Monday (Happy Valentine's Day to us) for out patient surgery where I will get two ports implanted. One in my chest for the regular chemo and one in my abdomen for a *special* drug directly there. I will be on a 23 day cycle where I will receive chemo on days 1,2 and 8. I can start next Thursday and Friday or wait until Monday and Tuesday. Part of me wants to start and get it over with but a bigger part of me realizes Olivia's 5th birthday is that Saturday and I would like to have a chance to do her party. It's only a matter of being *behind* by four days.

We're going to pray about it, but I think I'm leaning to waiting until Monday.

Okay, I gotta run. The mall is calling.

Details big and smalll

I've been trying to think of something to post about other than my health. Because honestly, I feel like a 75 year old woman who can only talk about how I'm feeling and what medications I'm on and how I'm pooping. Yawner.

But alas, I'm consumed with my situation. I've been fighting it. Because I realized the other day that for the past three weeks I walk around thinking and feeling like I'm dying from cancer. Although at this point, no one has told me that. In fact, so far, most news (other than the fact that I had cancerous tumors growing in my body) has been optimistic. But I am (I mean was) a pessimist. Because God is working on changing that.

I can't really explain the breakthrough in my thinking that I had on Sunday. But basically, God exposed the fact that I'm relying on circumstances. I'm trusting that *everything* will be ok. And by *everything* I mean my circumstances. And if everything could just be ok, then He's good and trustworthy. But I realized that I need to trust in Him NO MATTER WHAT the circumstances.

I waver to believe Truth. But Truth is beginning to peak through.

On more practical news, there are a few *life* things on our plate.

First, Olivia's 5th birthday is on the 19th. We're trying to decide if we should go ahead with the Build-A-Bear Workshop birthday party she wants, or offer her to choose an American Girl Doll instead. Oh the decisions of a parent!

And on another front, a friend made a suggestion that makes a lot of sense. She suggested getting a "nanny" for the next several months. Someone to hire to come in for 5-7 hours a day during the week so that Steve can get to work and so I can spend my energy on being with the kids but not running around getting milk and wiping butts. I have someone in mind and am praying she says yes. The barrier right now is financial. Praying that maybe some of you, who have offered to help, would perhaps pray and consider contributing to a "nanny fund" instead. I figure it would cost us about $1,000 a month to make it worth her time. Go to the Caring for E website for future details to see how you can contribute.

Oh, one more thing, on that website, we've extended the meals for another month... just to get through this first round of chemo to see how it goes.

I have a CT scan and blood work this afternoon at 2pm. Prayers welcome!

In the raw

Thanks for all the comments. Not sure what to tell you today. Lots has happened, although I barely got off the sofa. (I went to O's soccer game and it took a lot out of me.) It was gloomy and snowy and freezing.

I faced a few fears today. I called a good friend of over 10 years who faced uterine cancer a few years ago. I was almost embarrassed to call her because I have not talked to her in a long time and I sucked as a friend as she went through her crisis. I was scared to talk to her because I've been unable to talk to anyone who has been down this road. I don't know why. For me ignorance has been bliss? But I did it. It was good. On lots of fronts.

I've been paralyzed to eat much. I've lost nearly 25 lbs in the past 3 weeks (granted they removed half of my insides and tumors and fluid.) But I've gotten advice on eat this, don't eat that for cancer and for surgery recovery which has left me incapacitated. I've basically been eating toast with peanut butter and tea. I had soup, chips and cheese and a diet 7-Up today. It was a victory. I never thought I'd say this, but I am getting too thin. (156 down to 131.... gross.)

I also got honest with Steve, God and myself this afternoon. I emotionally vomited all over the three of us. Guess what? I'm not strong. I'm not amazing. I'm not positive. I'm not sure I'll beat this. I'm not sure I'm ready to surrender to what God's Will is. I'm mad at Him. I think I've gotten a raw deal this past year. I could go on and on (and might in the days to come.) A friend spoke some truth to me today. It was needed. It was a step in the right direction. It was ugly. It was honest and it was good.

I also told Olivia about my hair today. It was scary. It was sad. She cried. She said, "So you're going to be like a bald girl?" She told me she didn't want me to lose my hair and she cried. Then we snuggled. I think we will cry more in the days to come. But I think we are going to be okay.

So, that's the real deal around here. I'm moody. I'm on edge. I'm no hero. I need Jesus.

In which I found my words

Sorry I didn't post yesterday after my appointment. I just didn't have it in me. Not because the appointment was bad, per say, but more because it sucked all the resources that I have out of me.

Let's just say reality smacked me in the face yesterday afternoon.

I am not even sure how to summarize things here. Basically, I still don't have a start date for chemo (it's a little complicated.) I'll either start at the end of next week or the beginning of the following week. It depends on a few factors that will be decided early next week.

I don't think I'll get too technical on here, because really, unless you're me or near family, you probably don't care. But I will tell you that I had a few panic attacks in the office. Some because I don't have any hormones left to deal with life (and they can't give me a patch b/c of the chemo) and some because a lot of this is hard to deal with.

We talked about me losing my hair. I mean, it's not my favorite, but it will grow back. I'm worried sick about my kids. Mainly Olivia. I found out it will mostly fall out shortly after my first round. So, I've got about 3 weeks left. And OF COURSE I decided over the summer to start growing it out. So its the longest its ever been. Ah, vanity. I'm praying and trying to decide when the best time to tell Olivia is. I'm sure I'm projecting stuff on her. Kids are resilient and will surprise you a lot of the time. It's just overwhelming.

They offered a prescription for a wig. I cried again. The thought of a wig is rough for me. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

It's all scary. Overwhelming. But I know it will also help me. I'm trying to be thankful for chemo. I'm trying to be thankful that my kids will *hopefully* grow up being compassionate for people who are sick.

Speaking of sick... O was diagnosed with strep throat at the doctor yesterday. She seems better. Turner started throwing up at 5:00 tonight. Oh, how I'm praying it doesn't sweep this house. He seems like he's rallying... pray he will.

Steve's mom, bless her heart, went home today. She spent two solid weeks sleeping on our couch (we *need* a bigger house.) I don't know how she did it, but she served us cheerfully the whole time. I am thankful to have in-laws that I love and enjoy. I know she is glad to be back with my father-in-law and sleeping in her own bed. I was overwhelmed yesterday, thinking of her leaving, wondering how we'll get along. It's been tiring today, but we're making it. Tons of people have asked to help, and now it's time to take them up on it.

For someone who didn't know what to say, I managed to use a lot of words. Pray for me. Pray for us. We could use it. I have waves of panic. And then waves of trust in the Lord. I guess that's life, huh?

500

Welcome to my 500th post. Who knew? When I started this thing, Turner was a baby, Quinn was a hope and a dream and cancer was something *other people got.* Now, my mom has passed, Quinn is a thriving 3 year old Koproski and Olivia turns five in 16 days (oh crap, I better get on planning that party!)

I hate that on the 500th post I have to ask you to pray that I will stop freaking out. This afternoon at 1:45 I have my appointment with Dr. Reid. I think today I will find out what all is going on for sure and I think I'll learn what the plan is from here on out. When my first chemo will be (I'm assuming it will be really soon) and get to ask some questions that have begun to spring into my head.

I am a touch looking forward to the appointment. Only because I want to get this show on the road. If I've got to do it, I've got to do it.

Ironically, Steve is at the doctor's office with Olivia right now. This is the fourth day that she's had a fever. Now she is complaining of a sore throat. When I was trying to get her dressed and told her daddy was taking her to the doctor she started crying hysterically (that's a first. None of my kids have ever minded going to the doctor until today.) She wanted to know if she was getting a shot? I told her I didn't think so, but the doctor would do whatever it takes to make her better.

She started yelling that she didn't want medicine because she doesn't like spicy things. I could totally relate. I had trouble being patient and really had to pray that God would give me the ability to be patient, kind and loving to her. I hate that she has to go to the doctor. I hate that she has to do something that she doesn't want to do. I wish she felt better.

At the same time I wanted to scream in her face, "Oh yeah, well at least you don't have to take chemo." Which I didn't do. Because that *might* be considered child abuse. But I could have compassion. Because guess what? I don't want to go to the doctor today either. I don't want to take medicine. I don't want to get a shot.

Of course, I didn't miss the spiritual parallel. God hates that I have to go to the doctor, he hates that I have to do something I don't want to do. He wants me to feel better. But honestly, in that moment, I wasn't wowed by the spiritual parallel. I, like Olivia, just don't want to do this.

I prayed for her (which might have secretly been a prayer for me too.) Asking that she would have courage and bravery and that Jesus would be close to her while she was at the doctor. I also prayed and thanked God that he has gifted doctors with wisdom and knowledge on how to heal. But of course, it is God who does the healing.

So there you have it. Pray for me at 1:45 today. I'll try and give an update of what we find out later today or maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, thanks for your prayers. I'm really relying on them.

Because life isn't crazy enough right now

Last night at about 8:30, I started to get scared. Other than a sick kid, healing up from major surgery and wondering when I might be starting chemo, things were pretty good yesterday.

Until 8:30. It started raining ice.

And the wind started blowing.

And things in our neighborhood started cracking and crashing.

Neighbors would pop their heads out their doors to find out whose tree it was this time.

This branch broke and swung real close to the house, but stopped short of hitting it. I just started wondering if along side of all this other stuff, we would now have to find somewhere else to live while we repaired our home.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that. At about 10:30 the temps warmed up and it started to rain, relieving some of the ice. It turned back into ice and woke the boys up around 3am.

Steve went into their room to find Turner hiding under his pillow and Quinn hunkered down in the corner of his bottom of the bunk bed.

So we went to plan B.

Apparently, plan B is pull the mattresses off the bunk beds and out of the room into the adjacent play room. That did the trick. The boys went back to sleep and woke up like happy little clams this morning.

Steve is currently outside trying to break up some of the ice on the side walks. Still not sure what to do about the limbs. We have a call in to a tree guy (as does half of Dayton.) They should get to us sometime this month.

I guess this just goes to show, when it rains, it pours! (I promised you pics, right? So here you go!)

Iced in

It's official, our sunny day yesterday was gobbled up by an ice storm today. We woke up to a beautiful scene out side of our window, like something out of The Lord of the Rings. It was a good thing there was no school today because about 7:00 last night, Olivia started throwing up. Yep, just about what we need around here, the stomach flu.

I hate that I've been pretty useless around here. My extent of helping is moving from one couch to another. With an occasional clearing of plates from the dinner table and the reading of bed time stories. But when vomit started flying, I was outtie. I mean seriously, if I'm going to start chemo within the next week, the last thing I need is the stomach flu. We are all begging for God's mercy that this thing doesn't spread like wild fire. She is on the mend tonight. Last time she threw up was 8:00 this morning and she was able to keep down liquids and eat some dry Cheerios.

I didn't leave my house today. Which will literally drive me batty. But I suppose one complete day of rest is good for me.

Looks like we are to get more ice tonight. I'm hoping for one more day off of school so that O can rest up without missing school. We'll see.

Hopefully one of these days I'll get around to taking some pictures so that its not just all of this dreary health talk. For real, I'm depressing myself around here. Cute pics soon, I promise.