Monday, May 16, 2011

It finally happened

I got to the chemo room this morning, they did a blood test... stat (that's hospital talk for fast). Hospital fast and my fast must be different. It took over an hour to find out that I couldn't get my treatment today. There were two numbers we were waiting on. One number was fine. The second needed to be at a 1, it was at a .99. Close but no cigar, or chemo as it were. And because I'm on the study, I can't get chemo until next Monday (they want to keep me on the Mon/Tues schedule.) So, I'll go back in for blood work on Friday. I'm assuming since I'm so close that it should be up by then. But I guess you never know.

I cried. I was disappointed. That pushes everything back by a week. My new ending date (hopefully) will be June 20th instead of June 13th. To you that may seem like no big deal, but to me, it's rather deflating.

Some good things about this... I get a bonus good week this round. I feel good in spite of a low immune system. Another good thing? My last rough week and the anniversary of my mom's death will no longer fall at the same time. Leaving me some emotional resources to deal. Thanks, God!

Honestly, I feel like a failure. I know that is not logical at all. There is nothing I could have done to change my situation. Yet, I feel like a failure. I'm young. I'm strong. I'm healthy. I should be able to do this. Dumb, I know!

Steve's mom was just about to be on the road from Cleveland to join us for the week. Thankfully, we called her right before she hit the road. But the kids are disappointed that Grandma's not coming today. The good thing is, she'll be here next week.

It's hard to be so out of control. I have been so looking forward to getting round 5 rough week in the rear view mirror. I know it will still happen. Just a week later. It's not the end of the world. I know God's plan has not been affected. But mine has; and that is hard.

So, I'll try to do my best and enjoy my week. Do some fun stuff and kick it in the butt next week. Pray for me to keep a good attitude and trust that the Lord was not surprised by this even though we were.

7 comments:

vwiller said...

See all of the reasons that it is better to have the weeks moved a bit!! I also know what it feels like to have your body fail and feel it is your fault when it was something you had no control over (first round of IVF failing). it is very difficult to just put it in God's hands but feels so much better once you do!! Enjoy your week!! See Bridesmaids, get ready for Gnomeo & Juliette to be out on Tuesday! Get a pedicure!

Barb Farley said...

That stinks about having to push it back a week. I would have been geared up for it as well and wanting it over with and one more step to completion. I hope this week flies by for you and you can get back at it........all the more to put in your rearview mirror.
I hope many blessings come your way this week, this month, and all the years to come!

Karen said...

praying!!

The Halters said...

it does hurt and i'm glad you aren't denying your feelings. it doesn't matter if those feelings make sense to anyone else. they make sense to God and you. He cares about how you feel and loves you through it. you are a victor and that shows in your ability to find the good in the midst of disappointment. your spiritual muscles are growing. rest and enjoy this week...stress can be an evil attacker and slip in unannounced. i pray for Sonshine deep within your soul :) luvu Sharon

Greg&Kara said...

we have a friend who went thru serious colon cancer treatments, longer course, etc, in new york. every week we would wait to see if his immunity was high enough. sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't. in other words, don't believe its anything you did wrong. its amazing how the body does not like 'poison' coming into it :-) i will be praying that your counts are up and you can get the drugs next week.

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

It's tough to be all psyched up to take on a challenge and then to have that delayed. Praying that you have an awesome "surprise" good week. Praying for you as the anniversary of your mom's death approaches.

By the way, I find the fact that you bought your chemo nurse a wedding present very cool.

Lisa said...

Aw E... bummed for you my friend! But glad that there is a silver lining and that the new last week will be hopefully a better week for you in the end. Sorry I couldn't talk yesterday. Was totally zonked. Slept for 2 hours yesterday after work, then 11 hours last night, then another 2 today. I felt like maybe it was strep throat coming on. No bueno! It was a busy weekend and I pushed myself too hard and didn't get enough sleep. Now I'm only pregnant, but you make sure that you get enough sleep too, mama! You need it!!! ***hugs*** and prayers for you always!