Friday evening, Steve and I went to a wedding. It was a lovely, outdoor, at 6:30 pm in October wedding. It was a chilly wedding. It was one of the most unique weddings I've ever been to. I had to sit alone during the ceremony because Steve was the one doing the marrying. He did a great job. I was secretly hurrying him along in my mind though because I was freezing my stuff off. Once the sun went down, it was COLD!
During the evening something caught me off guard. In all the beauty, in all the sweetness of fresh vows; I seemed to slip somewhere that seemed a little *off.* Unfortunately, I couldn't really articulate it until the next morning. But as I sat on it, as I tried to figure it out, I realized... grief had reared it's ugly head. Duh.
A daddy giving his daughter away. A mommy dabbing her tears as her baby joined another. A grief for my own parents. A grief for cancer (now gone... but always haunting, if I let it.) A deep desire to allow thankfulness beat down the self pity that lurks below the surface. A frustration at grief itself. An understanding that I'm in process, but wanting it to be over. A happy occasion for my friends, a reminder of sadness for me.
Identification of emotions for me is always helpful. I've been a bit sensitive the past few days. It catches me off guard. I think what I'm finding out is that there will be events, situations, words, songs, movies, quite frankly, anything, that might catch me off guard... and that's okay. I just wish I could schedule for it.