Monday, October 24, 2011

Some things you can't plan for

Friday evening, Steve and I went to a wedding. It was a lovely, outdoor, at 6:30 pm in October wedding. It was a chilly wedding. It was one of the most unique weddings I've ever been to. I had to sit alone during the ceremony because Steve was the one doing the marrying. He did a great job. I was secretly hurrying him along in my mind though because I was freezing my stuff off. Once the sun went down, it was COLD!

During the evening something caught me off guard. In all the beauty, in all the sweetness of fresh vows; I seemed to slip somewhere that seemed a little *off.* Unfortunately, I couldn't really articulate it until the next morning. But as I sat on it, as I tried to figure it out, I realized... grief had reared it's ugly head. Duh.

A daddy giving his daughter away. A mommy dabbing her tears as her baby joined another. A grief for my own parents. A grief for cancer (now gone... but always haunting, if I let it.) A deep desire to allow thankfulness beat down the self pity that lurks below the surface. A frustration at grief itself. An understanding that I'm in process, but wanting it to be over. A happy occasion for my friends, a reminder of sadness for me.

Identification of emotions for me is always helpful. I've been a bit sensitive the past few days. It catches me off guard. I think what I'm finding out is that there will be events, situations, words, songs, movies, quite frankly, anything, that might catch me off guard... and that's okay. I just wish I could schedule for it.


jenny said...

Thanks for sharing you heart! Praying for you....for those moments when grief catches you off guard! Glad it never catches Jesus off guard! Love you, E!

Gwen Smith said...

Life is surely filled with ache. We grieve with you, E. Your honesty is beautiful and mourning is heavy, no doubt. You are continually in my prayers.

Running the race with you from NC!

betseykerr said...

Well said my friend, truly beautiful. Grief has no beginning and no is a lifetime process (with varying intensity). It's normal and healthy, but as you know very hard. Thinking of you...xoxoxoxo

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

I think those unexpected moments are the hardest part of grief. It's easier when I can gear up for it. Praying for those moments that come out of the blue and take the wind out of your sails.

jenny from mommin' it up said...

such an eloquent expression of things that are really hard to express. love you.

Sadee said...

Praying for you!!