It's not my fault

Confession time... so here's the REAL reason I have not been blogging lately (No, I'm NOT pregnant!  Small surgery a year and a half ago, rememeber?!  But isn't it funny how that is everyone's first guess for why you're not doing what you normally do?).  I got an i phone.  Steve made me, it's not my fault.  We had archaic flip phones until about 2 months ago.  It all started on our way home from Spring Break.  We missed an exit and ended up in a whole different state.  We found ourselves with no GPS.  No smart phone.  Not even a map or an atlas.  We marched into the phone store the next week and made the jump into 2012.  I kicked and screamed because I knew I would love it.  I knew I would spend too much time on it.  I knew it would suck me in.

And it has.

I'm a lazy son of a gun!  I find that because I can do all of  my computer stuff from my phone, I don't make the extra effort (did I seriously just say that?) to walk over and turn on the computer to blog.  B.I. (before iphone) I would be surfing around or wasting time on the internet and I would think, "Oh, here's a funny story, or something I want to say" and I'd blog.  Now I look across the room at the compter and think, "Nah! Too much work."

And then there is the small matter of how nice my pictures are on my phone.  I love using Instagram.  I don't even know where my camera is.  I'm sure there is a way to easily download pictures from my phone to my computer.  But did I mention that I'm lazy?  It is a whole other step I've not been committing to.  And by other step, I mean learning something new.  I am 40, afterall.

I'm actually sad about this.  I love blogging.  I love having a place to "journal."  I like going back and looking at old pictures.  I need to get out of my rut. 

So, there it is.  The truth.  The embarrassing truth.  I really am looking to get back on the blog bandwagon.  If anyone is still reading.

40 is the new pink, or black, or 30, or something like that

Last week I turned 40.  I'm not sure what the big deal is.  Other than it sounds really old.  I can remember when my parents turned 40.  A few months ago Steve asked what I wanted to do for my birthday.  I'm not one for big parties.  I'd rather gather with a few people and have good conversations than have 60 people around where I feel like I have not talked to anyone.  So that is what we did.  We gathered a few of our friends, got babysitters for the night and headed down to Cincinatti.  We stayed in a nice hotel downtown and had several fun meals out.  It was perfect.  Mostly we sat around.  And talked.  Uninterrupted.  No milks to pour.  No buns to wipe.  Birthday perfection.

The best birthday present I received was a phone call from the doctor's office telling me that the CT Scan I had earlier in the week came back clear.  A continued bill of clean health.  Thank you, Lord!  It was nice of them to call so that I could be freed up to celebrate.  I went in for my final doctor's appointment yesterday (until October.)  I am now considered "under surveillance." 
That means that instead of going in once every week (on average- for the past year and a half.  Whew, talk about a marathon.) I will now go in once every three months.  I will have a CT scan once every six months.  For two years (although I've already put a year in.)  Then I move to every six months for an appointment.  It's pretty exciting (yet a bit scary).

It was a bit sad to not have my parents here to celebrate.  I know there would have been a cake, and presents and phone calls.  I grieved a bit.  I cried a bunch. 

All in all, being 40 is pretty much the same as being 39.  Except with a whole lot more to celebrate!!!

In the blink of an eye

Dear mom,
How have you been gone two years already?  There are so many things I want you to know.  My theology says you are not missing out on anything "down here."  My mind tries to grasp the fact that you are 100% fulfilled and whole.  You are satisfied with your Savior.  But my heart feels an enormous void because you are not here enjoying life with us.  Or perhaps more accurately, I am not able to enjoy you as life happens here.

Two years ago today I didn't know how I would make it through life without you.  The past two years have been some of the toughest I've ever known.  God's grace has allowed me to make it.  Today I am sad.  Today I wonder what life would be like if you were still here to enjoy :

Olivia finishing Kindergarten.
Her going down the big kid slide at the outdoor pool.
Turner and Quinn finishing their first year of school.
The stories week after week when I volunteer in the kids' classrooms.
Giving me advice on the fights the kids get into.
Our first VBS experience last night.
The celebration of me being done with chemo.
My 40th birthday next week.
Our new hard wood floors.
Steve's new job "promotion."
Basically the big stuff and the little stuff that only a *Bebe* would care about.

There are certainly things over these past two years I'm glad you didn't have to face.  Like my cancer, your bald daughter, the stress of decisions, Dad's passing, the loss of Uncle Peter, and others. 

You wanted the details of my day that nobody else (not even me some days) cared about.  You asked good questions and believed our family could do no wrong.  You were my biggest cheerleader.  I miss you so much that on some days my body actually hurts.  Some days I just need my mommy.  Today is one of those days.  I'm so thankful you are not missing out on anything.  You are where you were created for.  But boy, it stinks around here without you!  I love you, mom!

Another chapter

I'm a bit of a mess.  Tomorrow is the last day of kindergarten.  A LOT has changed since the first day of kindergarten.  (Woah.. was I really bald?  And skinny?  Seems I've been gaining weight and hair like it's my job . Crazy!)

I have not found myself being sad as my kids transition from one stage of life to the next.  But this one is really getting to me.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because 1st grade sounds so old.  Like a real person.  Maybe it's because I can remember 1st grade, so I know we are starting to hit actual memory makers.

Maybe it's because Kindergarten (for this mommy) has been magical.  She has grown, blossomed and become so smart.  She reads.  She preformed on stage last week and didn't even bat an eye.  She is a friend to everyone.  She has been with the same teacher for the past three years and now she moves on.

I realize that by Saturday, I won't even look back.  But tonight, the last day of kindergarten-eve, I am emotional.  My little girl is not quite so little any more!

Party time

I've sat in the same chair (with the exception of about a half dozen days) nearly 100 times- literally.  What can I say?  I'm a creature of habit.  I don't believe in luck.  I believe that God orchestrates all.  But to be honest, I've struggled a bit with superstition.  I've talked it over with the Lord, He knows I'm in process on this one.  I know that being in a different chair won't actually jinx things.  So let's just call it a *habit.*  I was thankful for the final dose of poison, *my* chair was open.

The drug I've been getting for the past 21 rounds is not technically a chemo drug.  It is a bio-chemical drug.  What that means, I'm not quite sure.  I do know the nurses don't have to put the protective blue gowns on when they handle it like they do for the chemo drugs.  So perhaps its not quite as deadly as the other stuff.  Good to know.

FYI, it's always a bit unnerving when you see them gown up so it won't get on them when they put that stuff IN you . 

During my last round, a lady I have gone through this with sat next to me.  She isn't doing well.  I have not seen her in several months.  It's interesting how I felt sad and guilty as I also felt relief and thankfulness for my own health.

The sun is shining today.  My heart feels like there is a party going on inside.  I am overwhelmed by the grace I have experienced lately.  And by lately I mean the past nearly 40 years.  My 40th birthday is in a few weeks.  And when you've battled cancer and are on the other side of it, 40 years seems like a blessing rather than a curse.  I am thankful to have hair.  I'm thankful to be able to keep up with my kids.  I'm thankful for my amazing husband.  I might have dreaded my 40th birthday if it had not been for the past year and a half.  But this year there is MUCH to celebrate.  There always is!

Thank you for the many prayers and encouraging words along the way.  I don't feel totally free from this road of cancer, but I feel one step further down it... and for that I say let's party!

Kicking off summer

It's Memorial Day weekend.  One of my favorite holidays.  It's extra great this year because the weather is outstanding.  It's been in the 90's.  For me that is better than the 60's and raining, like it is most Memorial Day weekends around here.  Our outdoor pool opened the other day and we went today.  It was perfect.  Last year I was the bald lady walking around the pool.  This year I'm a normal lady walking around the pool.  I like normal much better.

Tuesday is my very last chemo treatment.  I might skip the whole way there.  It feels really good to have one more.  That will be round # 22.  Twenty two rounds of chemo.  That's A LOT.  To say it feels really good to have one more is an understatement.  Thank you, Jesus!

The boys had their last day of school on Thursday.  Olivia has one more week.  Last week was the week of crazy with award ceremonies, thank you gifts, a spring concert and a cultural fair at the kids' school.  This mama is ready for summer vacation! 

Two years ago this weekend my mom went into Hospice.  It taints the weekend a bit for me, but I'm thankful that we are able to make new memories.  We bought Olivia a new outfit for her award ceremony at school because "if Bebe were here she would have."  I really want to keep my mom's memory alive.  It was a struggle of a week because there were tons of things I wanted her to be a part of.  Stories I wanted to share.  Things she would have had a million questions about.  One real blessing was that my Aunt, her sister, was driving through town and got to be a part of several of those events.  It truly was the next best thing to having my mom here.  Some days I think the grief is getting better and then I have weeks like last week where I literally want to pick up the phone and talk to my parents. 

I'm thankful to be able to have such a fun weekend even in the midst of hard.  I guess that is what I'm learning life is about.

This post is like a box of chocolates...

Oh my goodness.  Why can I not get back on my blogging game?  I'm sure you've all given up on me out there.  Things here are good.  Mother's Day weekend was nice.  We went to the zoo on Saturday because the weather forecast was not nice for Sunday.  It was great fun.  I love the zoo.  It seems you either love it or hate it.  I happen to love it.  The kids loved it too which makes me love it even more.

The weather was ugly here yesterday.  But I got a nice watch from Steve and a trip to Kroger.  Alone.  Which, although it sounds like work on Mother's Day, was a great treat.  Steve asked later in the day if I wanted to go out to eat for Mother's Day.  As opposed to cook?  Duh.  So we went to this cool place near our house that has been open about 6 months.  It's an old re-furbished Fire House.  The food is good and the place is cool.  The owners gave out roses to the mom's on their way out.  Nice touch.

This Wednesday we are getting new flooring in our back mudroom.  I might post pics.  But then again, the rate I'm going, I might not.

I've found that having an I Phone demotivates me in the evenings.  Which is exactly what I feared would happen.  My I Phone and Celebrity Apprentice.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I've really loved this season.  And if you have not watched it you should go back and watch the season On Demand (or something.)  It's been super addicting.

Oh, and I think I mentioned in my last post that I'm nearing the end of chemo treatments.  I am... but I'm a bit more behind than I thought I was.  NOW I still have 2 more treatments.  So, my official last one should be Tuesday, June 17th.  I will then be going in every 3 months for a blood test and Dr. appointment with a scan every 6 months.  Quite frankly, I'm glad to be going in so frequently.  It freaks me out a bit to go from every three weeks to a bit more spread out.  Don't get me wrong... I'll take it! 

Hopefully I'll be back soon with photos of my new floors. And with that exciting news, I've probably lost the last 6 people who are still checking in on this here blog.