Monday, June 11, 2012

In the blink of an eye

Dear mom,
How have you been gone two years already?  There are so many things I want you to know.  My theology says you are not missing out on anything "down here."  My mind tries to grasp the fact that you are 100% fulfilled and whole.  You are satisfied with your Savior.  But my heart feels an enormous void because you are not here enjoying life with us.  Or perhaps more accurately, I am not able to enjoy you as life happens here.

Two years ago today I didn't know how I would make it through life without you.  The past two years have been some of the toughest I've ever known.  God's grace has allowed me to make it.  Today I am sad.  Today I wonder what life would be like if you were still here to enjoy :

Olivia finishing Kindergarten.
Her going down the big kid slide at the outdoor pool.
Turner and Quinn finishing their first year of school.
The stories week after week when I volunteer in the kids' classrooms.
Giving me advice on the fights the kids get into.
Our first VBS experience last night.
The celebration of me being done with chemo.
My 40th birthday next week.
Our new hard wood floors.
Steve's new job "promotion."
Basically the big stuff and the little stuff that only a *Bebe* would care about.

There are certainly things over these past two years I'm glad you didn't have to face.  Like my cancer, your bald daughter, the stress of decisions, Dad's passing, the loss of Uncle Peter, and others. 

You wanted the details of my day that nobody else (not even me some days) cared about.  You asked good questions and believed our family could do no wrong.  You were my biggest cheerleader.  I miss you so much that on some days my body actually hurts.  Some days I just need my mommy.  Today is one of those days.  I'm so thankful you are not missing out on anything.  You are where you were created for.  But boy, it stinks around here without you!  I love you, mom!


Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Praying for you today.

Miss Tita's Kindergarten Classroom said...

This is beautiful, E. Praying.

jenny from mommin' it up said...

What a sweet post. I can't imagine what you're feeling. I know my sister-in-law Sarah feels the same about her dad. You can't mourn FOR them but you will always mourn their absence. Love you, E.