Thursday, August 21, 2014

Take a chill pill

The last week or two, I've been a real pill.  Do you ever have those days (weeks?) where you even annoy yourself?  Hmmm... maybe it's just me.  In case you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about, let me break it down for you. 

My kids set me off.  (I might have mentioned once or twice they've been fighting.  And bored.  Which may have caused me to yell once or twice or 87 times in the past 10 days.)

My dog set me off.  (If you have ever met Baxter, this needs no further explanation.)

My messy house set me off.  (The bored children "looking for something to do" had a little bit to do with this.  Mostly it was me not wanting to touch the mess.)

Back to school shopping set me off.  (If you want to start a lucrative business, offer affordable child care so that parents can run around and do the errands that need to be done WITHOUT the bored children in tow!)

My husband set me off.  ("Do you mind if I leave early for work every morning this week, while the kids are still off of school so that I can golf, have breakfast with my friends and in general get the heck out of dodge before everyone gets up?"  Heck to the no!  Why do you hate me???

Me.  I set myself off.  (I want to parent better.  Have home cooked/healthy meals prepared every night.  I want my kids to love each other.  Hold hands.  Say, "I love you."  Go to bed on time.  I want to be perfectly fine and flexible when all of that does not happen.)

Last night, Steve and I sat on the couch and watched Big Brother.  (My happy place.)  It was about the 4th night in a row that I was behaving like a pouty baby.  Everything was going wrong.  Nothing was making me happy.  Seriously, I was annoying myself.

It dawned on me, its been 5 weeks since I went off my depression meds.  I had been on them for three years.  My little blue pill.  Did it really make that big of a difference?  Is it a coincidence?  Is it okay to be grumpy?  To feel sad.

I sat on the couch.  Missing my mom and dad.  Realizing I put a lot of expectation on my husband and kids.  I want my life and their lives to be perfect.  I wish I had a mommy to take care of me.  To call me.  To offer me advice on parenting and marriage.  Reality is, even if she were here, there is no guarantee that would be happening.

Life has been setting me off.  Maybe getting set off is good.  It means I'm alive.  It is an indicator something in my heart is stirring, if not a little off.  Maybe an adjustment is in order.  Maybe I need a swift kick in the rear.  Or a hug from my husband.  Maybe I need alone time.  Maybe I need friend time. Maybe I need to pray more.  Read my Bible more.  Maybe I need my little blue pill back.  Maybe I need nothing but to be thankful for what I have.

Maybe it's good to feel something raw again.  Without the dulling of the little blue pill.  Time will tell.  Opening up and sharing with my husband my sadness, my frustration and my fear of my own sadness brought us closer together last night.  Today is a new day.  So is tomorrow. 

No comments: