I spent about 20 minutes yesterday pouring out my heart in a post only to hit publish and lose it. Big bummer.
Basically, the gist of the post had to do with a really great appointment I had with my oncologist on Thursday. You would think that a great appointment would lead to a bubbly and excited post. But what I wanted to share was how my thinking is so messed up.
While in the chemo room there is lots of talk. Most of the talk is fine and encouraging but there are occasionally conversations that leave me freaked out.
Particularly the ones that have to do with stats and odds and how many long years certain people have been doing chemo. So one of the things during this appointment I wanted to clear up were some of the rumors I've heard that conflicted with what I remember the doctor telling me.
In a nutshell, he shared mostly what I already knew but with a few differing details. For instance, I was under the impression that 80% of the cases go on to cure. Actually, it's 80% go into remission and of those 80%, 25% will go into cure. (Remission means there are no visible signs of cancer. Cure is when you've been in remission for 5 or more years.) That really threw me for a loop.
But then, he went on to share his view of my case. And let me tell you something, women around the chemo room would kill to have the positive news that I had! He talked about the success of my surgery, the way my numbers came down so quickly with the chemo, and lots of other things. By the way, my cancer number is now down to 9... below double digits. (My personal goal! So stupid. Who has a personal goal for something they can't control? Me, that's who.) He said he felt really good about my case and feels very optimistic. He said he would say there is a 75% chance for me to hit cure.
I left his office feeling full of fear and doubt (stupid, right?) What has been so frustrating is that I just can't seem to turn my view of life from the *glass is half empty* to the *glass is half full*. While most people would have been all *Yippee, them are good odds!* I'm all, *I'll probably be in that 25% because life tends to crap on my (bald) head.*
And worst of all, I have already forgotten all that the Lord has done for me. Steve and I went home and prayed and after talking to a friend last night, I've been able to have a bit of a better perspective. Better yet, I've been reminded that it really doesn't matter what my *chances* are. I've got a God who is in control.
And just because He is in control it doesn't mean I'll automatically be in the 75%. It does mean that WHATEVER happens, it will be good.
I get pretty focused on living (which is a good thing) but then I cross over into obsessed. Meaning, I can't imagine not living. I plan, I control, I obsess, I fret, I worry, I make myself sick. I don't trust, I don't let go, I don't live like TODAY I am cancer free.
These sweet little faces are the ones I fear for the most. And when I do that, I once again forget that there is a God who loves them even more than me. If He chooses to put me in the 25%, it's HIS deal to manage the rest. Shoot, it's HIS deal either way.
Somehow, I've found comfort in this. I'm still praying to be part of the cure group. (And I'll ask you to do the same) but in the meantime, I need to find a way to live- and that means making peace with the fact that either group is fine by me! Those are my prayers as I enter into this final round of chemo on Monday. One more to go (and then I start a year of less intensive follow-up chemo... more on that later.). Can you believe we've made it this far? I can't! And it's largely due to your prayers. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And keep 'em coming!