Saturday, June 11, 2011

Take two

I spent about 20 minutes yesterday pouring out my heart in a post only to hit publish and lose it. Big bummer.

Basically, the gist of the post had to do with a really great appointment I had with my oncologist on Thursday. You would think that a great appointment would lead to a bubbly and excited post. But what I wanted to share was how my thinking is so messed up.
While in the chemo room there is lots of talk. Most of the talk is fine and encouraging but there are occasionally conversations that leave me freaked out.

Particularly the ones that have to do with stats and odds and how many long years certain people have been doing chemo. So one of the things during this appointment I wanted to clear up were some of the rumors I've heard that conflicted with what I remember the doctor telling me.
In a nutshell, he shared mostly what I already knew but with a few differing details. For instance, I was under the impression that 80% of the cases go on to cure. Actually, it's 80% go into remission and of those 80%, 25% will go into cure. (Remission means there are no visible signs of cancer. Cure is when you've been in remission for 5 or more years.) That really threw me for a loop.

But then, he went on to share his view of my case. And let me tell you something, women around the chemo room would kill to have the positive news that I had! He talked about the success of my surgery, the way my numbers came down so quickly with the chemo, and lots of other things. By the way, my cancer number is now down to 9... below double digits. (My personal goal! So stupid. Who has a personal goal for something they can't control? Me, that's who.) He said he felt really good about my case and feels very optimistic. He said he would say there is a 75% chance for me to hit cure.

I left his office feeling full of fear and doubt (stupid, right?) What has been so frustrating is that I just can't seem to turn my view of life from the *glass is half empty* to the *glass is half full*. While most people would have been all *Yippee, them are good odds!* I'm all, *I'll probably be in that 25% because life tends to crap on my (bald) head.*
And worst of all, I have already forgotten all that the Lord has done for me. Steve and I went home and prayed and after talking to a friend last night, I've been able to have a bit of a better perspective. Better yet, I've been reminded that it really doesn't matter what my *chances* are. I've got a God who is in control.

And just because He is in control it doesn't mean I'll automatically be in the 75%. It does mean that WHATEVER happens, it will be good.

I get pretty focused on living (which is a good thing) but then I cross over into obsessed. Meaning, I can't imagine not living. I plan, I control, I obsess, I fret, I worry, I make myself sick. I don't trust, I don't let go, I don't live like TODAY I am cancer free.

These sweet little faces are the ones I fear for the most. And when I do that, I once again forget that there is a God who loves them even more than me. If He chooses to put me in the 25%, it's HIS deal to manage the rest. Shoot, it's HIS deal either way.

Somehow, I've found comfort in this. I'm still praying to be part of the cure group. (And I'll ask you to do the same) but in the meantime, I need to find a way to live- and that means making peace with the fact that either group is fine by me! Those are my prayers as I enter into this final round of chemo on Monday. One more to go (and then I start a year of less intensive follow-up chemo... more on that later.). Can you believe we've made it this far? I can't! And it's largely due to your prayers. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And keep 'em coming!


vwiller said...

I pray every day for cure for you!! I think I have prayed more in the past months since your diagnosis then every before (other then when we were going through infertility and a failed IVF cycle) but certainly over the last moths I have learned to pray more and better.

KTC said...

This is just hard, hard stuff of a fallen world! But, you are so right... God is in control. Your loving Father is in control. And his love is limitless, abounding, and also intimate and personal. He's with you on the path to which he's called you. And we're with you too...praying for peace for you, my friend! And, so PROUD of you for struggling through this!!!

The Halters said...

Dear are so normal. :) This is the struggle of life. We are taught to be independent and self-sufficient, but our Lord calls us to be dependent and insufficient without Him. There's also the beauty of the Body of Christ...enlisting the support, as you have, of members of His body to do for you what you cannot. WE can believe on your behalf that you will be cured. WE can lift you to the Father when you cannot pick up your head. It's ok.

It's been interesting this spring. We've been in prayer for you and a dear friend in St. Louis. Jeff was in our wedding almost 28 years ago this month. He is a youth pastor and has a beautiful family with four young children. He has been getting very sick due to cancer of the bile duct in his liver. Long story short...he received his new liver last night. We are overjoyed for him and the family. All praise goes to God, but we sure celebrate with them.

We celebrate for you even now as you have more positive pieces to your case as the doctor said. We believe in your cure and the goodness of the Great Physician in the healing of your earthly shell. We also trust His Spirit to love and guide you through the coming days. The B.O.C. is cheering for you!

You don't have to be perfect here on earth. Otherwise, you wouldn't need God and the rest of us! :) So thank you again for your honest sharing. It will all work out for good.

Love to you and Steve :)

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Praying for you. So excited for your wonderful news and that the end is in sight! I don't blame you for feeling concerned. That's perfectly normal. God wouldn't have to tell us not to worry if our natural inclination wasn't worry. I'll keep praying for you in that as well.

Amy said...

I appreciate your honesty and bravery so much. praying for you this week!

jenny from mommin' it up said...

Prayers, prayers, praying for you right now in that chemo room!! E, I believe with all my heart you are in the 75%. Of course, that is what I WANT to believe. :) You are right, it is God's deal no matter what. And it will be perfect no matter what! I'm praying that your head & your heart get together and embrace that so you can have joy, joy, joy. I love you and your sweet family!