Wednesday, November 30, 2011

the aftermath

Once again, I find myself on the tail end of an unexpected bloggy break. The Thanksgiving holiday seems to have gotten the better of me. Every other year we switch families for holidays and when we do Koproski Thanksgiving, it turns into more of a Thanksmas since it is the only time over the holidays that we see everyone so we go ahead and do presents then too.
I was in a tailspin last Monday when I realized I had to have a large portion of Christmas done and wrapped by Wednesday, with three kids home from school (their school was off for a full week at Thanksgiving. Weeeee)
We also did Thanksgiving up in Toledo. Which sounded fine 8 weeks ago when Steve's mom kindly offered for us to do it somewhere else. But 8 weeks ago it seemed like a fine idea. I'm tough. I can handle it.
Or not.
My mom and I had a Thanksgiving day tradition. After the Macy's parade we would turn on the AKC dog show and watch it while we would put the finishing touches on the meal. In fact, I remember the first Thanksgiving we were married and Steve being dumbfounded that first of all there is a dog show on tv on Thanksgiving day and second of all... that people actually watch it.
So on Thanksgiving after gifts were opened and kids were buzzing, I went upstairs to catch my breath and there on the lone tv was the dog show. That was it. Sent me over the edge. Not so tough. No so able to handle it.
I tried to enter in. I tried to enjoy. And for the most part I did. And then we got back home to Dayton. It's been tough. My stomach has been in knots. The tears have flowed. I miss my parents. I fear the return of cancer. I'm not sure how this is going to be the *most wonderful time of the year.*
I've been in touch with a grief counselor. I've talked to friends. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not so tough. That maybe, after all, I can't handle all of this. I know God is in it. His grace is here. I'm trusting in it; counting on it. If I can get past the *trappings* there is still a shot at this next month being *most wonderful.* I'll let you know along the way how it goes.

3 comments:

jenny from mommin' it up said...

Prayers. I know it must be awful but I surely can't feel what you are feeling. I pray Jesus shows you the beauty of this season in some new ways and that he gives you his comfort and joy. Love you.

cindy q said...

love you

Candice said...

Please know before I say anything that I realize I have absolutely no idea what it is like to be grieving what you are and all at once. Unimaginable really. So having acknowledged that I would like to say that it will help to nurture and heal you if you allow yourself your sadness...anger...
frustration...joy of remembrance...really whatever emotion you find yourself in the midst of-just allow yourself to feel what you feel. We are so quick to hide feelings or shove them away somewhere when really God would have us experience them. When Jesus was here He felt all the things that we do. He gets it. Not because someone told Him about things, filled Him in per se, but He GETS it because He felt it. So go to Him and those who love you and feel how you feel. You amaze me Elizabeth with the way you are this woman choosing to live for God in the midst of the mess that is life in such a way that it makes me see Him and go after Him more.

A few Christmases ago when I had been going through some of the most difficult things I have ever gone through and it had been dark for a while the LIGHTS came on, the sun rose on my horizon. It was a small little line of light on the horizon but after much darkness it was so lovely to know that LIGHT could come. It was in the midst of a day when the Spirit showed up and reminded me that God is real and near and good and that He beyond comprehension loves me-what??!?? That evening I went to Apex and we sang Isaac's song about Emmanuel has come that I realize not only had Emmanuel come for all but He came for me and IN me. That will be my prayer for you this "most wonderful time of the year" when it will feel a bit empty and yet more precious all at once that Emmanuel will come for you, IN you-God WITH us. What a lovely thought that God is near. Psalm 73:28 "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge..." Tell your stories, remember your memories and feel your feelings and in the midst of it all I pray that you will discover the wonderful.