Peace

I just couldn't wait to share my news. Today was my post round two Dr. appointment. And at about 4 pm yesterday the fear and panic set in. Which was really a bummer because I had been doing great with my mind all week. Not to mention I felt great physically. Then at 4 I realized I had not received at phone call like I did last round. They called me with my good numbers last time. And when they didn't this time I IMMEDIATELY went to crazy places in my mind. Crazy as in, "I'm pretty sure there is bad news and they want the doctor to deliver it himself, in person." And then it started, I could feel the tumors in my lungs that they surely found in the CT scan last Friday (even though only hours before I found myself thinking, "Gosh, I feel cancer-free!") I was so fearful last night I could barely enjoy American Idol. So I was a bit of a mess this morning when I was at the Y on the treadmill. Thankfully I ran into two different friends whom I was able to vent to. Steve was able to come with me to the appointment. Thankfully. I also had to get labs drawn. The lady who took my blood commented on my shaking hands. I had to tell her no offense but pretty much that office does that too me. (That and the fact that I just knew I was about to be told things were not looking good.) The nurse took my blood pressure and it was a *wee bit* high. Finally, the nurse went through all the routine questions and then she told me that my number that was at 55 last time was down to 24 this time. WAIT A MINUTE! That sounds like GOOD news. Yep, CT scan came back good too. So by the time the Dr. came in Steve and I were pretty relieved. We had a bunch of questions but here is the nutshell of what we found out: That number that is now down to 24 has to be at 35 or below to be considered NORMAL. Hey, guess what? I'm NORMAL. Yippee. He also said that when the numbers hit normal or below before the third round they find the best chances for cure. God has allowed my body to respond incredibly well. Thank you, Lord! They also think that my numbers may hit below 5 after this next round. So, as long as my numbers stay below 35 and my CT scans are clear... at the end of the six rounds- and boo, I do need to finish the rest of my rounds- I will be considered in remission. And remission over time is what turns into cured. (5 years) There are still many prayer requests... like that my body will hold up during the next 4 rounds of chemo and that my numbers will stay down and my scans stay clear... forever... and that I would put on some weight and that my mind would stop jumping to crazy conclusions, but for today I'm going to THANK JESUS. I'm still not looking forward to Monday where we do this thing again, but at least now I can say, "Ok, Monday, let's get this thing over with!" Thanks for your prayers. Keep 'em coming. But I really am thankful to share good news with you faithful friends.

A bald head must be easy to spot

So, I was at the Y yesterday morning walking on the tread mill. (As my spinning class was sweating their butts off down the hall. Is it weird that I miss spinning class?) And this lady that I've seen for years around the Y came up to me and asked if I was Elizabeth? She said that she found my blog through our friend, Jenny, (who by the way is like this super famous blogger and quite the big deal on the internetz... you should check her out) and that she's been reading my blog and praying for me. It was surprising to me. And really nice to know that some people at the Y are praying. Later yesterday afternoon, I took Olivia and we ran some errands together. We hit Sam's Club (isn't it so annoying when you have to hit Sam's for two items? AND THEN they don't even have samples?! Sheesh.) Next stop was Target. Naturally, Olivia had to make a potty stop. So I'm hovering outside of the stall when a lady came in and I noticed her glancing my way. I do get a bit self conscious these days with my bald head under my hat situation. Then she asked, "Are you Elizabeth?" She went on to tell me who she was and that we have our aforementioned Jenny friend in common. She also told me that she had been praying for me in the car on the way over to Target. How crazy is that? It's crazy enough that anybody reads this blog. But even crazier to me that people I don't even really know have me on their hearts and are talking to God about my situation. I am humbled! And encouraged. So thank you for reading. But thank you even more for praying. I can't even tell you how much God used yesterday to remind me that He is alive and active, not just in my life but in your lives too. Our third stop found us at Old Navy. (I'm on a hunt for an appropriate bathing suit for a five year old. It's harder than you think!) To my disappointment, no body recognized me there :)! NOR did we find a suitable suit. But I walked away with a new dress, shoes and sweater. Oops! Don't worry... I won't let all this *fame* go to my head!

Because I obsess

We had a great time visiting my dad. Other than the temperatures (it actually snowed a tiny bit Saturday morning) which left little to be desired, it was nearly perfect. We took him out to dinner, where I decided BBQ ribs sounded amazing to me. And they were. The kids were pretty well behaved. My dad loved his meal and felt celebrated. I was worried about him. Although he just turned 75, it stinks to be alone on your birthday. And even when my mom was sick, she always tried to make sure he got a card with money in it so he could go out and get himself dinner when she wasn't well enough to go too. So this year, being his first official year by himself, I'm so glad it worked out for us to be with him. And now, on with the week. I'm feeling really good. Which of course, scares me. I'm fighting really hard the tendancy I have to either 1). Look for what might get in my way of feeling good or having a good week or 2.) Start thinking ahead to the next rough week of chemo, therefore, sabatoging my good week. (Because that's just the kind of crazy I am.) I've been doing pretty well on that front. But the desire rushes in all too quick. Then there's the appointment with the Dr. on Thursday where I'll probably get the results of the CT scan and the blood work. Last round, I just didn't know what to expect and had the pleasant suprise of good numbers. Now, I guess this is where the REAL journey begins. The REAL walk of faith. The REAL trusting of God. Will the numbers keep climbing down? Will the CT scan remain clear? Can I live today without obsessing about Thursday (or tomorrow for that matter.) So far, I've done pretty well - today, with God's help. I went to the Y, walked on the tread mill, went grocery shopping, enjoyed my kids and am having people over tonight. You can pray for me. To beat this thing. Of course I mean the cancer, but even more importantly, even more crucial to my LIFE is my mind. My lack of trust. My idolatry. So, here I go to put dinner in the oven, tidy up the house and LIVE my evening. I hope you do too!

Overdue

It's been a L.O.N.G. time since there was just a normal random post around here. And since it's been a pretty good week, it just seems right to put some fun kid pics around here and give us all a break from the deep, serious stuff.

Last night, Olivia had a birthday party to go to. Which left the four of us to fend for ourselves. And something mysterious happened... the boys got along and played well. I'm wondering if there is something about the number three that begs for fights?! They had a ball with this empty box for over an hour. This morning when all three were playing with it, I had to put it away after seven minutes. Oh well.

I opened the fridge two days ago and found Rex.

It's true, you never know what you'll find in our fridge these days (thanks to many of you who have delivered so many delicious dinners over the past eight weeks!) but this is a little ridiculous.

The best sign of all that I'm having a good week? I ran for my camera and thought, "I gotta put this on the blog!"

Our neighbor, Janet, has been stopping by most weekday mornings to help me with the boys after Steve and Olivia leave but before the nanny gets here.

She came on St. Patty's Day bearing gifts.

This picture made me smile.

I hope it makes you smile too.

Tomorrow we are off to Toledo for the night to visit my dad. We have not seen him since mid-February, and even then he was in the hospital. It will be good to spend time with him, especially since tomorrow is his birthday! I'm so thankful to be feeling good and able to make the 2 hour trip.

Tomorrow morning is my lab work and my CT scan and then hit the road. Feel free pray for that. Praying that my numbers have come down a bunch again after this round! Have a great weekend.

Take that you stupid cancer!!!

First off, I have to give a shout out to 5 amazing women from the Oregon District (my neighborhood) who came to my house yesterday while I was at chemo and the boys were at the Y with the nanny and graciously CLEANED MY HOUSE. And I'm not talking just cleaned... I'm talking I might not have cleaned some of these things since I've had kids kind of clean. I may have been *slightly embarrassed* and slightly enternally greatful for your kind heartedness. It truly was amazing and we are so very thankful.

Yesterday was the last chemo day of round 2. It was the quickest one yet (only 5 hours). My friend, Sally, came and spent a few hours with me. It was nice to not have to talk, but then at the end when it was time to *walk and talk* she went with me. (At the end of each abdomenal chemo, I spend some of the final hour walking and trying to get my belly full of fluids moving... that with the fatigue are the two worst parts of this thing.) It was nice to have a friend come and see my new life.

Day 8 (yesterday) of the 21 day cycle isn't all that bad. I get the steroids and once the fluid is a bit re-distributed (it usually takes 6-8 hours later to not feel so bloated), I feel pretty good. Now I have 13 days until the next chemo day. It feels like a bit of a relief. Although this Friday I have to go in to the hospital and get labs drawn and then go for a CT scan. I guess I will have to get one every other cycle to make sure there are no new tumors. And as long as my numbers keep going down and stay down, it would be unlikely that there would be. But it is good to keep multiple checks on things.

I have to say, I'm not looking forward to Friday. Just having to go in on an "off" day and spend 3 hours at the hospital is a bummer. It is such a reminder that my life is not my own. I've said before, this doctor's office now *owns* me. They tell me when and where to be... they don't ask. And then the following week on my truly off week, I get to go in on Thursday for labs and an appointment with the doctor. Which is good. He checks in with me. See's how I'm doing. Goes over blood work etc. But it's still scary. And I HAVE to do it.

I continue to nearly constantly have to give my worries over to God. I just wonder if I will ever get over this? I mean I will have to do these scans every three months for the first two years. And then every six for the next three. There will always be a fresh way to trust Jesus with my worries. I guess that is good?!

Please pray that I would enjoy my week(s) until the next round. I tend to already look ahead or feel bummed about Friday or worry that a new symptom will creep up and prevent me from enjoying... instead of just enjoying. Sounds exhausting to be me, doesn't it?! Ugh. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
**Disclaimer** for some odd reason my spell check wasn't working.. please excuse any typos. I wasn't in the mood to wait.

Exposed

The past few days have been rough. I know I posted I was doing better, and I was. Then, the fatigue set in. I wish I could describe how it feels. Because it's more than being tired. It's not quite a depression. It is utter fatigue. And it exposed some ugly around here!

I was back to panic attacks yesterday. Mostly because some wrong beliefs of God were stirred up. The *what ifs* returned. What if I can't make these six rounds? This is only number two... and supposedly they get harder. I really don't know if I can persevere. What if my numbers don't ever get any lower? What if I do all of this just to die? What if God is just toying with me? What if He is just playing games with my life? My family? My friends? YOU!

Thankfully, I have a husband who battles lies with me. I shared with him my fears, my lies. We prayed. We reflected on who GOD says He is. And that once again, my circumstances do not dictate His character. We also chatted about how I don't have to do four more rounds, today. Today I just have to do today. And then I asked the world of Facebook to pray. And I received so many encouraging words. And God swooped. Peace fell. Circumstances did not change. Fatigue was an issue all day yesterday. But peace in the midst of it is indescribable.

Another exposure came in the package of failure. As a mom. The days I just lay in bed are SO unbelievably hard. Rest? That is a word that a mom does not know. My job? Rest. In my *former life* I dreamed of rest. Now? I fight it.

Failure as a wife. Oh let me count the ways. I looked in the mirror yesterday and I thought to myself, "I look like a Holocaust victim." With my shaved head and my ribs poking through my skin. I glanced at our wedding photo (it will be eight years in May) and thought, "In sickness and in health... who knew?" Of course, Steve spoke sternly to me when I voiced these thoughts. But it's hard to not feel what you feel.

Failure as a friend. I'll admit it, I've battled jealousy. I'm jealous of my friends who's lives go on as *normal.* I've battled this one hard, because this will only destroy me. But in the dark post-chemo days, it is a quick place to go. (PS friends, don't stop telling me about your *normal* lives. This is MY issue, not yours!!!)

Thankfully, God is exposing all of these ugly places. I have people praying. I have a God who is loving this crap out of me. Squeezing it out. Painful? YES. Worth it? Verdict is still out (just kidding, I know intellectually it is worth it... but couldn't I just read a book or go to a conference on it instead?)

So... that is where I'm at. Feeling a bit more energy today, not enough to go to the last soccer game of the season. That made me sad. But thankful for energy nonetheless.

Pray that I would not sabotage the next two days because I know there is one more chemo day coming. Thanks and have a great weekend!

Feeling better

Thought I should let you all know that I'm feeling much better this morning. My tendency is to apologize for that rather bleak post last night. But honestly, I needed your prayers. And the comments were so encouraging and uplifting. So thank you.

After I posted I went to bed. That is so unlike me. I slept on and off and when I woke up it was 9 pm and time to take my meds and go to bed. Where I slept great the whole night. I woke up and the bloating was gone. And I pooped (sorry... tmi) but that is a big deal because last round I had major diarrhea and stomach pains and this time the dr had me take Imodium the day before and it really helped. But then I was worried I'd be backed up for days. But it worked like a charm.

I am so thankful that although today I have some exhaustion, I'm not worried about poop or my stomach or lounging around for that matter. It is what it is today and it will pass.

I did want to share an encouraging story from yesterday's chemo. Not to brag on myself but to brag on where the Lord has brought me. Last chemo round I was so riddled with fear I couldn't tell you who else was in the chemo room with me. This round has been so much free-er. I can't even tell you what a world of difference that has made.

We were there about an hour as I was getting all my pre-chemo meds and some hydration. This lady, Cindy walked in. She looked terrible. Just really really sick. Turns out she was there to get hydrated and help because she was in fact really really sick. I felt burdened for Steve and I to pray for her at our chair. I over heard her counts are all very low and she needs a blood transfusion. She had to wait and get it today because she needed something that had to be ordered. Anyhow, over the next hour she got all kinds of drugs, including morphine to help her pain. She looked miserable. I finally heard her tell the nurse something about praying and trusting God. So when I was finally able, I got up and walked over to her and introduced myself. I let her know that I heard her talking about prayer and that I just wanted her to know that I had been praying for her all morning. She started crying. I asked if I could pray for her right there and she said of course. We held hands and prayed and asked God to deliver her from her pain and that her counts would be up in time for her surgery in three weeks (I have no idea what surgery.) We got done and she was crying again.

By the time she left she was stronger and able to walk and even grabbed a candy bar on the way out.

I share that not to say, "Oh look what a good person I am and how other's centered I am." Because believe me, I'm not. I just wanted to thank God that I am not so riddled with fear anymore that I can't look outside of my own situation. There are so many stories going on around us and so many times I'm so self-focused I miss the opportunities. That is one thing I hope cancer is changing about me!

Prayer please

got back from chemo around 3. this is a rough day. they empty 4 liters (think 2 2 liter pop bottles) into my belly. i'm uncomfortable, to say the least. pray for me. when i don't feel good i tend to downward spiral. forget that this too shall pass. the next few days will be rough with side affects too. and then i'll climb out. i just could use a little extra prayer back up. kids are still needy. my head is still a bit congested. and i worry. although i know the drugs are kicking cancer's butt. pray that God will be in control and near. I know he is, i just need to be on the look out for Him.

Thanks that I can ask and you will pray. pray for the rest of my family too. they need it just as much.

Another one bites the dust

Day one, round two- over! I got home around 3:30. Another long day. I guess day *ones* will be long. Jesus really swooped in today. I had peace. I relaxed. I even slept. I laughed with the nurses. I was thankful. Thank you for your prayers. Tomorrow is the doozie. But God will see me through. Then... the rest of the week. Please don't stop praying.

I spent the day next to this frail, 90 lb., 89 year old lady. I thought, geeze louise, if granny over there could get chemo... buck up camper, so can you! Perspective, my friends, perspective.

My congestion is nearly gone. I had a great night's sleep and the kids are feeling better too. All in all an encouraging day. (Usually, this is the point in which a thought like, "Ut oh, it's going just a little *too good*, I wonder what will happen next?") But because I am in the process of change, I will NOT entertain that though. Thanks for not entertaining it with me ! :)

I'm off to enjoy my kids, grab some dinner and hunker in for the grand finale of The Bachelor. And here's a bonus for you, I think he's going to pick Emily. (But since I'm always wrong it will actually probably be Chantelle.) In which case, Emily and her sweet 5 year old daughter are better off. So maybe I'm actually hoping he picks Chantelle? Oh, I'm so conflicted!

Germs germs go away

Here at our house it is Chemo Eve (which is not nearly as exciting nor as romantic as Christmas Eve!) Turner seems to be doing better. I took my last anti biotic this morning (although I am pretty congested and my ears are a bit plugged up. I don't have a fever but feel not 100%) I'm pretty sure they will go ahead with chemo tomorrow, but this is not the way I would prefer it!

This morning when Olivia was eating breakfast she told me she couldn't finish because her throat hurt too bad. We whisked her off to Urgent Care (NOT my first choice, but what are you going to do on a Sunday morning on Chemo Eve?) She was swabbed on Thursday for strep and came back negative but the Urgent Care doc gave her a prescription for the same anti biotic T and I are on- with out swabbing her, I might add. He also gave her something for congestion. She took a long nap this after noon and looks like crap right now. She is hugging a bowl and I'm just praying she doesn't throw up too. **Update, I had to leave before I posted this to help her throw up. Ugh!!****

I am happy to report I have barely battled anxiety over chemo tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I have not had a panic attack. Tomorrow I will be introduced to another new chemo. It is the one I am getting because I am in the study. It is also the one that I will continue to get when this 6 round push is over. There are, of course, possible side affects. Including high blood pressure (over time) and nose bleeds. Please pray I would tolerate it well over the long haul, this is the one they feel everyone should be getting for ovarian cancer to up the cure rate. I, naturally, am thankful yet nervous.

Tuesday is the big dog chemo drug. It goes in my belly and wiped me out last time. I'm nervous but thankful to have a bit better of an idea what to expect. But now with sick kids and a bit of a head cold on top of chemo, I feel the fear creeping in.

As well as ugly and wrong ideas of who God is. I'm battling in my mind. And thankful for an amazing husband who battles in prayer with me. Please, please please battle with us. I know God's grace will come rushing in when I need it... it certainly has thus far. And I must be a very slow learner, but I think I'm starting to get that grace doesn't mean I don't get a head cold, or sick kids or cancer, but I get the strength to make it through when I do. With my faith in God intact. And hopefully, my relationships too!

So... tomorrow at 8 am please pray for me (and my fear/anxiety.)
Pray that this congestion would lift/ not develop into anything worse.
Pray that I would do well with this last new drug.
Pray for sweet Olivia to feel better.
Pray that Steve would NOT GET SICK. Oh my, I can't even think what would happen. (God's grace required!!!)
Pray that I would trust God to hold me this week.

Thank you for your prayers and love. I can't tell you how much they mean! I'll post when I can. Have a good week.

A beautiful day...finally

There is hope of spring here in Dayton, today. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and the temperature is above 50. It's funny how the weather can affect a person. This past week has been pretty good. Although, I realized the other day that I had pretty high expectations for the week. Because it was my "off" week, I expected to feel normal. Like my old self. But reality is that I'm still only 7 weeks out of MAJOR surgery, I am still not 100%. My digestion is still a bit wonky, I still have a weak core and I get tired easily. I think I also had this *I only have one off week, I have to squeeze every ounce out of it* mentality. And I *may* have overdone it a bit.

So, I know how to do it a bit more realistically next time.

As it turns out, Turner had strep throat this week and O stayed home from school on Friday because of a fever. I got on some antibiotics as a precaution since I have round two of chemo on Monday. That's just the way I guess this goes in a house full of little kids and germs. Thankfully, really all I've felt is a stuffy nose.

I have gotten a few nights of good sleep too, so for that I'm thankful.

In fact, there's been a lot to be thankful for this week. There have been a few moments of fear and sadness, but for the most part, it's been a good week. Now I'm off to enjoy the rest of this beautiful Saturday.

One more step behind us

It started on Saturday. The dreaded day when I brushed my hair and a few strands came out. I knew it was coming. It wasn't a surprise. But it was dreaded.

I had a plan with my friend, Aimee, to call when it got bad enough and she would come shave my head. Monday seemed just a tad too soon. So she came on Tuesday afternoon. I knew she was coming and starting Monday night I started getting anxious. I asked Olivia if she wanted to watch or not watch. She wanted to watch. I asked Steve the same thing. He said he didn't really care either way. I decided I needed him there.

So I took these pictures, cried for a minute and then closed my eyes and held hands with Olivia. She was so brave. Braver than I was.

When we finished, I took a deep breath and went to look in the mirror. I look like a character from that tv show, V.

We immediately got out my wig and tried it on. Then we went through my box of hats. I took an hour to myself and felt sad. Then I went to show the boys. Turner laughed (punk) and Quinn declared, "Mommy, we are not scared." Good.

Then yesterday morning when I came down dressed and ready Olivia said, "Mom, you look awesome!" I went to the kitchen to see if Steve put her up to it. He claims he didn't. It brought tears to my eyes.

One of these days I'll get brave and put the "after" pics up. I'm just not quite ready yet.

And one more piece of good news... I had blood drawn on Tuesday. Someone from the Dr's office called yesterday to let me know some levels. (I still don't know the lingo... but there is a certain level that lets you know the cancer in your body.) Before my surgery it was something like 3,500 (its suppose to be 10 or something like that.) After my surgery it was 151. After this first chemo round it was down to 55. That means that the chemo is working (at least for now.) Please pray that it will continue to bring my numbers all the way down to remission... and cured forever. I am thankful that God chose to reveal to me that His hand is in this... even though regardless of the circumstances, His hand IS in this. I'm getting there to believe it no matter what. But it was very gracious for him to show me this little piece of evidence. Praise the Lord!

Unconventional

It's been busy around here. Good busy. I think. The weekend was fun and refreshing. Dare I say *normal?* Steve and I had a date on Saturday night. And because we have sophisticated pallets, we headed to Red Lobster for lobster fest. It's been so long since we've been out on a Saturday night, I guess we misjudged the popularity of the 6 pm dinner hour here in Ohio. It was an HOUR wait for lobster fest. To which we said, no thank you. We headed over to Brio. I got excited by the prospect. But alas, a 45 minute wait. (Although while getting the scoop I spotted two of our best friends eating there so I texted and said hi.) We headed over to a fancy seafood restaurant and had a classy and fabulous meal. Our friends texted back and we ended up meeting them for dessert.

We were going to go to Cold Stone for ice cream, but there must have been 50 people in line. And it was 35 degrees. And raining cats and dogs. And it just didn't seem worth it to stand in line for ice cream. Several other restaurants were packed out. So... we headed to the movie theatre for dessert. Its one of those fancy deluxe theaters with a Ben & Jerry's in the lobby. We got ice cream and sat in the lounge and talked. A little odd, but very fun.

We sat in a circle of comfy chairs. About 15 minutes into our chat, this random guy, in his upper forties/early fifties plopped smack dab in the middle of our group. He just sat there. Then he leaned his head back and relaxed. And then, he fell asleep. And THEN he started snoring. And we belly laughed. He slept and snored for about a half hour. And then he woke up, got up and just left.

Weird. But I guess that's what you get when you hang out at the movies.

Breakthrough of sorts

Yesterday turned out to be sort of a break through for me. It's hard for me to explain my mental/emotional/spiritual state. I've tried throughout the past two weeks. Bits and pieces. I'm afraid the whole of it would have been too overwhelming.

It definitely started last week with a meeting with our pastor. Then at Church on Sunday, God met me. To some of you that may sound foreign. He didn't actually stroll down the aisle or audibly speak to me. But He met me in the aisle and spoke to my spirit. It began a process (that will continue probably forever) for me to lay down the *idol* of life and put God back on the throne. Meaning, WHATEVER happens, I will at least try and trust him.

I experienced peace for the first time in weeks after that. The next day in the chemo room... peace. (When I started to panic, I prayed and told him I trusted Him and there was peace. Until the next five minutes when I had to do it again.) I started to get hungry. I've been eating like crazy.

Then yesterday it occurred to me, I've been living like I'm in some kind of self imposed punishment. I have not had my radio on in six weeks. I have not really enjoyed friends. Laughed with my family. Gone out to eat. Shopped.

Yesterday a friend was coming over for lunch. We were going to have left overs. I was afraid to leave the house in case I started to feel bad. But by the time she got here I had prayed and told God I trusted Him. We went to Panera. I treated. I ate. I laughed. I loved it.

I came home and last night I painted my toenails. I have not done that since I got my diagnosis. I didn't do it intentionally. It occurred to me yesterday I've had this "Why bother?" attitude.

Each night after the kids are in bed I get my jammies on, bring my pillow down and camp out on the couch. You know, 'cuz I'm sick. Last night I decided I was not bringing my pillow down. I would put on comfy pants, but not full on jammies. I was going to have a normal night.

Today I'm taking the boys to the mall to meet friends at the play area. I have nine more days until the next round of chemo. And I'm going to live them up...trusting God all the way (until I don't, and then I'll trust again.)

Because a girl can not live on chemo alone

There is American Idol.

Ah... yes... perhaps my best medicine. I was a bit weary going into this season. Mostly because my mom and I lived and breathed AI for years. We called each other after every performance. Especially during this part of the season when we can barely remember who is who. Oh what fun. I didn't know if I would be able to do it. Then there is the situation with Simon being gone. New judges? Ack.

But with life as it is, I might actually NEED American Idol.

It's a touch annoying, though. They switch nights. I don't know if it's coming or going. Yada Yada. So last night I missed a few guys because I thought Glee was on and although I love Glee, I didn't need to get there right at 8.

I really enjoyed several of the guys. But because there are still 24 people, I don't know any of their names. Except Scotty. He's the cute little country guy with the deep voice. I like him. My mom would have too. It's hard to forget a name like Scotty. I like the guy with the beard who did Rod Stewart too. He's weird. And good. But I don't know his name.

The girls tonight? They were okay. My problem with the girls? What they wear (or don't in some cases.) I get so distracted. And they like to stomp around the stage and dance and perform. Mostly, I want them to sing. And wear clothes.

I tend to always enjoy the guys more. Maybe I'm a chauvinist pig. Who knows?

And who knew? I like the judges. Although last night and tonight I really missed Simon's brutal honesty. Steve and I were wishing we could conference call him in and get some honesty. But oh well.

All in all, I'm back for season 10. And am glad to have it.

Big Red

Day 8 of chemo (yesterday) went well. Minus some initial *digestinal track* issues last night, I think the steroids they gave me have really pumped me full of energy. I'll probably crash in a day or two... but I'm riding this wave.

So, enough about chemo. This morning, because of all my energy, I hopped in the car while the nanny stayed with the boys and I got myself to Target. Oh, the big red bullseye, how I've missed you. I was desperately in need of some pants that fit. I also needed a few other items. Don't you always need a few other items at Target? Not sure how that happens. But it does.

I had a huge taste for a Chik-fil-et sandwich... so I stopped and got one. I know, I know, not the healthiest thing I could have chosen... but it sounded (and tasted) so good.

Then I was off to pick up Olivia at school. I have not done that in weeks. She was so excited. I felt so normal. It was good. Thankful for the simple things in life. Things that 8 weeks ago I was complaining about. Funny how your tune can change so quickly. I guess that is a good thing.

Now I'm on a chemo break for nearly 2 weeks. I'm thankful for that too. I have not had a panic attack in days. I'm really learning to turn things over to God. (And just about as soon as I do I manage to take them back.) Remember, I said I'm LEARNING. Gosh, maybe I am going to be a different, better person as a result of this thing. Who knew?

Praising the Lord one Target run at a time!