EEK... I have a blog!

Sigh of relief

2012-02-07T20:58:00.004-05:00

The good news is that Susie is on the other side of surgery. The baby seems to be fine. The doctor declared the surgery *successful* and word on the street is that she was awake, recognized her husband Ben, asked some questions about the outcome and even made a joke. Ahhhh.... my friend is still in there! The pathology was inconclusive and we are still waiting to find out if it is cancer. They did some treatment as if it were. Prayers still welcome on that front.

It was a long day. About 7 hours in the waiting room. Tears. Prayers. A few laughs. Lots of stress. That must have been what it was like a year ago for Steve and a handful of friends. For the person in surgery it's like a nano-second. For the others its like an eternity. Then it all flips. Surgery over, relief for the others, pain for the patient.

It's going to be a long recovery. The dust will settle. The *excitement* over. Now it's my turn. To be a good friend. To be there when needed. To shed tears. To feel helpless. To cheer on. I came to grips with the fact that I must mourn yet another loss (although this one is temporary.) But a loss nonetheless. My friend, whom I text 7 times a day and see several times a week, is out of commission. Life is such an ebb and flow of role change. I'm not so good with change. But this event has reminded me of something; my cancer experience and the death of my parents were all things that deepened my friendships. Susie became like a sister as she walked through those events with me. Perhaps we would be where we are today without those sufferings, but maybe not.

As I debriefed some of this with my grief counselor today, I realized this is something to be thankful for. And at some point I will see the good in this hard thing too. Something good will come of it. I just kind of want to hit the fast forward button. For her and for me. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to shed some happy thankful tears with her. I can't wait to hear her crack a joke. I can't wait to crack one back. Then I will really know all will be well!

A few thoughts

2012-02-06T13:31:00.003-05:00

There is a lot going on right now. Lots to write about. But honestly, the feeling just isn't there. I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I definitely would say I'm busy. Writer's block isn't the correct word either. Overwhelmed? Can that be the cause for not wanting to blog? Overwhelmed in my schedule. In my emotions. Not necessarily in a bad way. Life has just brought a lot my way over the past week or so (or two years, whatever). Some good, some fun, some not so much.

My friend, Susie, heads in to brain surgery tomorrow (Tuesday, Feb. 7th) at 7am. That feels overwhelming to me. Is this how people felt last year for me? It has surfaced some internal battles. How much to do I call? How much to I text? Am I on the *inner circle* (you know what I'm talking about, right?) Insecurities rise. My inner 7th grade girl has been channeled. Vain imaginations. Self-centered ugly. Yep, it's in there. And then I remind myself... Hello! This is not about me, its about my friend. Love. Protect. Guard against the enemy. For me. For her. For her family. Not to mention, my friend is about to be out of commission for a short spell. And quite frankly, I need my friend. To talk to. To laugh at. For her to laugh at me and bring balance and perspective that is unique to her. I have some very incredible friends. I have a group of friends that (in my humble opinion) others should be jealous of. Dare I say, sisters? We will rally around her like they did for me. I have no doubt. I am just sad. Fearful. Angry. Statistically, should I have not taken the hit for our group with my situation last year?

I know the *right* answers. I firmly believe God is in control. I know I dare not question. But that does not stop my emotions from flowing. Nor will it stop my continual prayers and cries out to the Lord on behalf of my friend. Please join me in praying for a successful surgery tomorrow morning. For the health of Susie and her baby. For a benign tumor. For this to be a blip on the screen. For me as I try to get past myself and my ugly and be there for my friends.

January strikes again

2012-01-26T20:09:00.004-05:00

Just when I thought my January curse was about to be broken (every January for the past 7 years has been filled with a MAJOR drama, always involving a health crisis of someone I love) Wednesday, January 25th hit. Oddly enough, one year ago the same day I was discharged from the hospital from my hysterectomy/cancer removal.

I was on my way home from aerobics yesterday when I got a text from my friend, Susie (in red) saying she had survived her MRI. Susie has become one of my closest friends over the past two years. She and I talk daily, text multiple times a day and see each other at least once a week.

She had been having *attacks* for a few months and there was a suspicion of MS but because she is 14 weeks pregnant there was some discussion on how to proceed. Her doctor finally had her move forward to rule out anything scary.

I texted her back immediately because, quite honestly, I had completely forgotten she was going in for the test. She texted back saying things were not good. I texted back asking her to call because she was freaking me out. What unfolded the next few hours was mind blowing. To make a long story short, the MRI showed a VERY large tumor growing on the front/right side of her brain. She wasn't even a half hour out of her test before the doctor called and told her to come back to the hospital and check in so that she could get the ball rolling on what to do next.

I was able to go and spend some time with her so that her husband could go home and tell the kids (ages 6, 4, and 2) and get them ready for the night. It ended up being a really special time to spend with my dear friend. We laughed. We shared deeply. We prayed. We sat in shock and horror. The EXACT way we did last year when I was on the bed and she was in the chair. UNBELIEVABLE.

What happens next is still up in the air. More tests and conversations with surgeons. Please pray for my friend. Honestly, I'm quite shaken up over this. I love my friend. I need my friend. She is honestly like a sister to me. I would do anything to spare her from this. I so clearly remember the day I got my bad news. It's like the worst nightmare you've ever had, but it's real. I hate it for her. I hate it for her husband. I hate it for her kids. I hate it for me.

I know God is faithful. I know God is a healer. I know God is a comforter. Please pray for Susie. Please pray for her husband and her kids. Please pray for me.

You don't say?

2012-01-24T14:09:00.011-05:00

I got back from Arizona a week ago today. It was a fabulous trip. Nearly perfect.

It was filled with lots of memories. New memories. Sight seeing. Laughs. Tears. Odd moments. And...

rain?

Yep! I've been told for years how Arizona is the perfect place to visit in the winter. Blue skies. Warm weather. Mountains. Perfection.

So, "Look out for that puddle!" was not something I was planning on hearing during my stay.

Nor was, "Hey, Bill, throw another log on that fire, will 'ya?" as we toured a famous/historic hotel one afternoon.

It rained every day I was there, with a high of 55 each day. Don't get me wrong, it still beat the high of 12 we were having back in Ohio, but the day I left to return home, temps got back up to 74. Naturally.
Another thing you don't think you'll over here while in the desert is, "Oh, yeah. I think it's a squirrel." Um no, ma'am. I'm from Ohio... we know squirrels. This is a bit more of a prairie dog type thing.

My one instruction from my daughter while I was gone was to get a picture with a cactus. Mission accomplished. (Side note, I was a bit freezing in this shot, but insisted on leaving my jacket in the car. I WAS on vacation in Arizona after all. )

What is it about those kind of cactus that make you stick your arms up in the air like an idiot?

And why is it growing out of my head?

We did a lot of seeing the sights. This was very cool. An old Mission. It was also proof that I did see a bit of blue sky while I was there.

I also had to laugh because I realized at some point on this trip that I really love doors. I must have taken about 15 pictures of different kind of doors.

My aunt and I had so much fun. We laughed until we cried many times. I can't tell you how amazing it was to be with her. To feel taken care of. To not be needed by little hands for five whole days. I felt so rested and relaxed when I left. I felt full. And why she has a cow skull gowing out of her head, I'm not sure. It must run in the family.

While I was there I also got to sneak away and grab coffee with my good friend, Katie. Katie used to live in Ohio and work with me at UD. She moved to Tucson years ago and life being what it's been, we have not been able to talk nearly as much as I'd like.

It was great fun to catch up with her and have her show me around the University of Arizona campus. I love being able to see some one's life in my mind's eye.

My trip was 100% perfect, rain and all. It was exactly what I needed and perfectly timed.

In fact, when I rolled in around dinner time last Tuesday night, I was ready to take on life and family. I was greeted at baggage claim by these three sweeties and my amazing husband who did a fabulous job holding down the fort for four nights. Time away was so good, but nothing feels as good as being greeted by people who love and missed you (on both sides of the trip.)

Thank you to all my family who made this trip happen.

Rearview mirror

2012-01-20T16:48:00.004-05:00

One year ago today, right about now, I was recovering in a hospital room after a full hysterectomy and the removal of all visible cancer. It was official. Stage 3 Ovarian cancer. In some ways it was a relief. In one week my life was changed forever. And yet, there in the hospital room with all my lady parts gone, as well as the cancerous tumors, a new chapter was being written. It would be several weeks of recovery until I could begin *rough* chemo.

With a year under my belt in some ways I can't believe its been a year. Time flies. And in other ways it was the longest, seemingly never-ending year of my life.

I'm weird with anniversaries. Maybe not weird, maybe lots of people operate like me. Anniversaries mean a lot to me. For example, a week ago at this time I was on a plane to Arizona. Throughout today my mind has drifted several times to, "A week ago at this time, what was I doing?" Same goes for a year ago today. A day that changed my life.

I'm happy to report that one year later, I am *cancer free.* (That means there are no visible signs of active cancer cells in my body.) In another four years, I'll be considered cured, if there are no re-occurrences. It seems like a long, impossible road. But then again, so it seemed a year ago as well.

I've been working on remembering. And being thankful. And realizing how amazing it is to be sitting where I am today. With a full head of a hair. I went to Zumba this morning and kickboxing class yesterday. I have more energy then ever and certainly feel better than I did a year ago.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I'm beginning to be okay with that. Slowly (very slowly) letting go of the need to control everything. Embracing today and not assuming tomorrow will suck. And if it does, knowing I'll be able to handle it. Because God good...because this past year has been the suckiest of all sucky- and I handled it. By the grace of God.

So, here is to one year out of a cancer diagnosis. Feeling good and living large. Thank YOU for journeying it with me.

Watch out for the cactus

2012-01-13T09:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure I mentioned this, but Santa brought me be best present since an engagement ring 9 years ago. In about 2 hours I am headed with my bags packed to the airport. My sweet husband will drop me off, BY MYSELF, with a purse full of books and snacks that I don't have to lock myself in the bathroom to read or eat. I will get on a plane here in Dayton where the temperature is currently 16 degrees. It will take me to Dallas where I'll spend 2 hours eating food court food, buying magazines and people watching, with no little people to attend to. I will then hop on one last flight and de-board in sunny Tucson, AZ (where it will actually be dark since it will be 7 pm. Whatever.) My aunt and uncle will greet me and there MIGHT be tears.

Since Thanksgiving was so difficult, Steve and my Aunt Sherry hatched a plan to send me to Arizona for a 4 night stay in the bleak of winter to get some family time. It couldn't have been a bigger or better surprise! How neither one of them let the cat out of the bag before I opened my gift on Christmas Eve is beyond me.

I'm excited to go somewhere sunny. I'm looking forward to seeing the desert (I've never been.) But I'm mostly excited to be with family. An extension of my mom. Someone who loves me unconditionally and has known me forever. Someone I laugh with and enjoy. Someone who flew here for a week and took care of me and my kids during some of the roughest weeks of chemo. Another piece of the healing process as I grieve the loss of my parents. Time with family.

I'm going to miss my kids. Weird. Even yesterday they were pushing the limits. But as I watched their little back packs leave the van and enter school this morning, I was missing them already. All the more reason to go. So that I can come back. Refreshed. Energized. Happy to see them.

Thank you, Steve, for holding down the fort while I'm gone. I miss you already, too. I'll dodge a scorpion for you!

Two birds with one post

2012-01-09T14:33:00.008-05:00

Because I'm desperately behind, I'm here to catch you up on ALL the important photos!

Someone turned into a *big boy* yesterday. And in my mom's honor we are continuing the tradition of birthday WEEK. (I have to say, I'm sure it was easier with an only child, birthday weeks are wearing me OUT.)

All of a sudden, Turner is into Sonic (the hedgehog). I think he's from some game. The weird thing is, we don't have that game. So I'm not sure how he got into it. What's even weirder is that Turner insists that it's name is Konic. We argue every time.
Now, we've all given up and just call it Konic.

Saturday, we had a small party for him. We invited just a few friends to a party at a new little gym in town. Jack 'N Jill's Hill did a great job hosting a party. The best part? I didn't lift a finger. A high school girl led everything and the place even provided the cupcakes. Money well spent, if I do say so myself. So now, all my babies are officially big kids. Sigh

And for other big news...

The American Girl Doll phenomena that has hit our house has finally worked in my favor.

O decided she wanted her hair cut like *Kit.*

Honestly, not a moment too soon. Her long hair was driving me crazy. She wouldn't brush it enough to keep it from not being stringy. The static made it stick out in 100 different directions. Simply put, it looked awful.

But thanks to Kit and her cute bob of a haircut, it didn't take much convincing.

She looks adorable and it eliminates at least one fight from our day.

I'll take it.

Thanks, American Girl Doll. You've made all my dreams come true.

Yes, Virginia, there was a Santa Claus

2012-01-08T18:12:00.011-05:00

According to the word on the street, you have a year to send out thank you's after you get married. If that is true, I figure you get at least 3 weeks after Christmas to post the pictures, right?

And since this blog is part therapy/part scrap book, I'm going to go ahead and say it's not too late.

I wanted to document for all to see that I truly am a fun mom. Just ask me!

So fun that my kids nearly wet themselves by the prospects of being able to spend one measly night in their sleeping bags on our living room floor.

Knock yourselves out kids.

And that they did! Quinn was the first to give up the fight. Baxter a close second.

Olivia was next and Turner was able to be the lone man standing for about an extra 25 (seemingly endless) minutes.

It was actually fun.

Christmas morning was glorious.

Everyone was excited about what they got. Santa showed up and done good. They were excited to give gifts to each other that they had picked out at school. Our family is either really on the same page or really psycho... the boys picked out the same gift for each other and two of the three picked out the same thing for Steve.

Today is Turner's 4th birthday. Yesterday was his party. At the rate I'm going you should have the photos in April!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and other Well Wishes

2012-01-04T14:31:00.002-05:00

I would have blogged over the holidays but I was too busy waiting for Santa, sleeping through the New Year ball drop and reading The Hunger Games to write. But the kids finally went back to school today and life is back to normal. Phew.

All in all, the two week break from school was really fun. We did lots of fun stuff (which did NOT include seeing Chipwrecked,the Chipmunks movie, and Happy Feet Two... the kids thought it was fun, me- notsomuch.) It also did NOT include a date for Steve and I. We literally tried 8 different people two weeks straight to babysit, but it was a no go. Oh well. It was not for a lack of trying.

It's a good thing my life's motto is "If you wait 'til the last minute, it only takes a minute" because all of a sudden Turner's 4th birthday as this weekend. And um, I've spent about a minute on any kind of planning. It's not because I don't love him. It's because we practiced poor planning and had a kid too close on the heels of major holidays. Oops. My guess is that as long as there are presents and cake, he's good.

All in all, I'm more than happy to ring in 2012! 2011 can kiss my ####. How's that for sentiment? I actually do have some deep thoughts on this new year. I feel like God has broken through some of my darkness and I do look forward to unpacking that here. I may also post pics of our under the tree slumber party, Olivia's new *Kit from American Girl Doll* hair cut and other fun stuff. The bleak mid-winter ought to provide plenty of opportunity for posts. Happy New Year~

Traditions

2011-12-23T10:25:00.007-05:00

We've been having some fun around here. In spite of my rant yesterday, we really have been enjoying the season.

Last weekend, Olivia and I went to the Nutcracker. We sat in the front row and it was magical. Something that we plan to do every other year (mostly because of the expense, but some to keep it special.)

Today Steve took the van to the shop for the day. Which means we are spending the day at home. If you know me, you know I pretty much avoid that at all cost. But today we have some fun stuff to look forward to.

One fun thing we've done the last several years is decorate a gingerbread house. This year went great.

The kids did a great job taking turns. And concentrating. And being creative.

In fact, it was the first year I didn't immediately regret the choice to start this tradition.

Naturally, they ate more candy than they actually put on the house. But that's what it's all about, right? Sugar buzz by 9:30am?! That's my goal for the next 3 days straight.

Later this afternoon some friends are coming over to play. I think I'm going to rent Mr. Popper's Penguins for them to watch. This evening we are going to take a friend out for dinner, hop in the car, drive around and look at Christmas lights. Finally, we will end the day with one of my favorite traditions. The kids will bring their sleeping bags downstairs and Steve and I will make a nest on the couches. We will do a sleepover by the tree. In keeping with the tradition, Steve will make his way to our comfy bed around 11 and I'll toss and turn on the couch until they all wake up around 6:30 and start whining about cartoons. Then, I'll sugar them up and start the torturous wait for Santa tomorrow night. So fun. So good!

one down

2011-12-22T16:18:00.003-05:00

First day of Christmas vacation, check. We started out with a glamorous bang... I had my every three week doctor appointment so Steve kept the kids. We then met at UD and passed out boxes of chocolates to the coaches. The kids were a big help, for about 8 minutes. Then they were a whiny mess. Spreading Christmas cheer, that's our middle name.

Steve headed to work and I took the kids to Chick-fil-a for lunch. With the rest of greater Dayton. Looks like *several* other moms had the same idea. After a bit of play, we headed to Target for a few last minute gifts. I'm pretty sure everyone who wasn't eating at Chick-fil-a was shopping at Target.

A word of advice, don't take your kids down the toy aisle 3 days before Christmas. All the requests that have already *been delivered* went out the window. "Hey mom, I don't actually want the Samurai Castle. I want THIS!" Lucky for me, I've got some upcoming birthdays to use to my advantage. Not to mention the, "You already sat on Santa's lap" card.

Now we're all snuggled on the couch for a long afternoon of PBS kids. Don't judge. The weather is a beast outside, it's the shortest day of the year and we've got some fun stuff planned for the next few days. Including looking at lights and a sleep over under the tree tomorrow night.

And just think, only 13 more days until they go back to school!

One more day

2011-12-20T20:23:00.003-05:00

Oops! Nearly two weeks have passed since my last post. That's a lot of life around here. I'm not even going to try and catch up on the things I've missed. Some days I feel like I'm just trying to make it through. But I have to say, between the grief counseling (I've now been three times) and starting back up in the anti-depressant (nearly 2 weeks), I'm feeling like I can deal with life a bit better. I promise, I will unpack some of what I'm learning, but I might just wait until after the holiday. I'm trying to muster all the joy of the season that I can. It seems to be getting easier each day. My anxiety is lessening as are the imaginary symptoms that have been plaguing me. Thank you, Lord!

We are highly anticipating the arrival of Christmas morning around here! There is still a gingerbread house to be made, treats to be taken to neighbors, neighborhood lights to be seen and a slumber party under the Christmas tree lights to be had. Although this is a terribly sad Christmas for me, the kids are at a magical age. I am enjoying every last second of that, for sure!

Tomorrow is the last day of school for the kids. I have mixed emotions on that. I love having them home and am looking forward to doing some special things over the next two weeks. However, I have grown accustom to my mornings free (especially with doctors appointments and chemo to manage.) Lots to juggle, but we will make it happen. I promise more interesting posts to follow. I mostly wanted to check in and let you know things here are chugging along. Happy shortest day of the year, tomorrow, by the way. It's all up hill from there. Yay.

These are a few of my favorite things

2011-12-09T13:38:00.010-05:00

Things have been a bit of a downer around here the past few posts. So hopefully these holiday pics will provide some smiles for you as we enter into the weekend.

Nothing makes you smile like a good twirly dress!

Our co-workers, Nicole and Erin, met us at the Greene last weekend and the 65 degree day provided us with some nice outdoor photo ops.

It has FINALLY stopped raining around here and there are a few straggling snow flakes falling out my window.

I just pulled a batch of Christmas cookies out of the oven.

And in just a few minutes I'm getting in the car with some girlfriends and we are headed to spend the weekend in Ann Arbor with our friend, Sarah.

Dare I say, I'm starting to get in the Christmas spirit?

I hope you are too! Have a great weekend.

It's already full

2011-12-07T14:33:00.003-05:00

I have just a few minutes before I have to run with the boys to pick Olivia up from school. It's been a full week already and it's only Wednesday. A few highlights include, Eggnog tea. I found it at Dorothy Lane Market. The brand is Bigelow tea and with a splash of milk, it actually tastes a bit like eggnog. Which is a positive for me. If you don't like eggnog, it would not be a positive for you!

I bought and read the book, Heaven Is for Real by Todd Burpo. It was an interesting read. If you haven't heard about it, its the true story of a boy who nearly died when he was almost 4 years old. The book is the account of his illness and his reports on heaven, Jesus and others he met while in heaven. I'm a skeptic at heart, but the book has allowed me to venture down the what could be road. I gained some encouragement from it. Including a thought I believe came from the Lord yesterday. "Death is NOT a punishment." Its the first time since my mom died, my cancer and my dad's death that I have not viewed death as a punishment. (Not so much for me, personally, but more so those left behind.) It was a freeing thought.

I met with a grief counselor for the first time today. She works with Hospice of Dayton. It was only an hour, but it was very helpful. There were several helpful things, one of which, really hit home. She mentioned that much of my earthly *safety* had been taken away. Two loving parents and my health. She made it seem very normal that without those safety nets, I would be experiencing the emotions I have been experiencing.

She also asked what I thought about going on an anti-depressant. What she didn't know was that I had been on them and went off 3 weeks before my dad died. I have been praying about going back on them since my doctor's appointment last Thursday and asked the Lord to help me know through this appointment if that was something I should do.

As she mentioned how she thought going back on them could be helpful to me at this time, she commented on the wave of relief she saw go over me. Weird. (I know some of you may have personal opinions on anti-depressants. This is a bit of a hard and emotionally charged subject for me and would respectfully ask all negative comments to be kept from here. Thank you.)

I am sincerely sensing God intimately involved in my mind and in my spirit this week. I am thankful for prayers and words of encouragement from you. I am thankful for help available. Since it's only mid -week it will be interesting to see what else the week has in store. Gotta run now, Olivia awaits.

PTSD?

2011-12-04T21:33:00.002-05:00

On Thursday I had a doctor's appointment. That's not big news. I have a doctor's appointment every three weeks. But for some reason, I was really REALLY worked up about this one. So much so, I had Steve join me. Ever since Thanksgiving, I just have not been able to get a grip on life. In fact, our sweet friend from Church/dermatologist made a *house call* the other week because I was convinced I had skin cancer. Turns out I needed ointment.

Over Thanksgiving I could *feel something* in my ribs and also was sure I was bloated. (Side note, it was a year ago that I actually did notice the bloating and soon after went to my doctor who was convinced I had irritable bowel syndrome until he sent me for a CT scan in January.) So with the days getting shorter, and grayer and a nice little bout of grief to boot, I've turned into a full fledged hypochondriac. I needed my husband to join me at my appointment.

Have I mentioned recently how much I LOVE my doctor? And every.single.person. who works in his office? Well, I do! My routine appointment turned into 2 hours because of the loving care I received. I left convinced I'm normal. Not just my physical health, but my emotions. My crazy. My fear. All of it.

Here is something interesting. My doctor likened what I've been through this past year to someone who has been in a really bad car accident and is going through a type of post traumatic stress. It totally made sense to me. He said my body is on heightened alert. I feel stuff and am more cautious than a *normal* person. Like the person who was in an accident may be afraid to get back behind the wheel and will drive slowly, same for me going to the doctor's office. And I get to do it every three weeks.

All that to say, it helped. I've still imagined a few things this weekend, but I feel like I had a better perspective on things. Tomorrow is chemo. Another trip back to the office. I'm praying I can keep a clear head and be thankful. God's grace. I've felt it this weekend.

the aftermath

2011-11-30T15:39:00.003-05:00

Once again, I find myself on the tail end of an unexpected bloggy break. The Thanksgiving holiday seems to have gotten the better of me. Every other year we switch families for holidays and when we do Koproski Thanksgiving, it turns into more of a Thanksmas since it is the only time over the holidays that we see everyone so we go ahead and do presents then too.

I was in a tailspin last Monday when I realized I had to have a large portion of Christmas done and wrapped by Wednesday, with three kids home from school (their school was off for a full week at Thanksgiving. Weeeee)

We also did Thanksgiving up in Toledo. Which sounded fine 8 weeks ago when Steve's mom kindly offered for us to do it somewhere else. But 8 weeks ago it seemed like a fine idea. I'm tough. I can handle it.

Or not.

My mom and I had a Thanksgiving day tradition. After the Macy's parade we would turn on the AKC dog show and watch it while we would put the finishing touches on the meal. In fact, I remember the first Thanksgiving we were married and Steve being dumbfounded that first of all there is a dog show on tv on Thanksgiving day and second of all... that people actually watch it.

So on Thanksgiving after gifts were opened and kids were buzzing, I went upstairs to catch my breath and there on the lone tv was the dog show. That was it. Sent me over the edge. Not so tough. No so able to handle it.

I tried to enter in. I tried to enjoy. And for the most part I did. And then we got back home to Dayton. It's been tough. My stomach has been in knots. The tears have flowed. I miss my parents. I fear the return of cancer. I'm not sure how this is going to be the *most wonderful time of the year.*

I've been in touch with a grief counselor. I've talked to friends. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not so tough. That maybe, after all, I can't handle all of this. I know God is in it. His grace is here. I'm trusting in it; counting on it. If I can get past the *trappings* there is still a shot at this next month being *most wonderful.* I'll let you know along the way how it goes.

I see London, I see France

2011-11-17T13:37:00.004-05:00

Last night at Awana (a church club my kids are a part of) the boys did a Thanksgiving craft. They made paper turkeys. On the feathers, the adults wrote what the kids said they were thankful for. Quinn's came home with mom, dad, dog and home on his feathers. Thanks, Quinn. Turner's came home with bread, chicken and underwear on his. Ahhh, yes. Typical Turner. We had a good laugh over that one, you can be sure.

I mentioned a few blogs ago that I've been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and that it is pretty much changing my life. Thank you to those of you who offered to send me a new copy. I was able to go ahead and secure a new one:) Good thing too, because I really needed to keep chugging along.

For example, I was in line at a store this morning and I was waiting behind an older gentleman. When I zeroed in on him, I realized he could have been my dad from behind. He even had my dad's big 'ole ears. It was all I could do to choke down the lump in my throat and squeeze back the burning hot tears so that I could pay the cashier with a bit of dignity.

I got in the van and the tears came. As they will. I could see myself sliding down the slippery slope. The not just being sad kind of day, but the I'm losing my grip kind of day. Then I remembered, be thankful. Even there, in the midst of my grief, there had to be SOMETHING to be thankful for. So I let 'em rip.

I'm thankful that the man looked like my dad and I thought of him today.
I'm thankful that he passed in September and not now in the flurry of the holiday season.
I'm thankful that he didn't linger in pain and suffering for a long time.
I'm thankful that we had a very nice Thanksgiving with him last year.
I'm thankful that he gave me a winning lottery ticket last Christmas and what a fond memory that will always be.
I'm thankful for a blue sky day in November in Ohio.

I'm thankful for underwear.

Because when all else fails, my son has taught me, you can always... ALWAYS be thankful for underwear!

Guess what? I still miss my dad and my mom. I still have a lump at the top of my throat. But grief didn't sabotage my day. And that is a reason to be thankful!

Our morning in pictures

2011-11-14T08:12:00.007-05:00

Happy Monday!

Steve had to catch a super early flight this morning for a work trip, so it's just me and the kids getting ready for school. Things have been going exceptionally smooth and I thought I'd get some fun pics.

I've had a few requests for some hair photos. It's hard to tell from these, but it's an actual style now. I really like it and am thinking I'm going to keep it short for awhile.
My sweet girl, on the other hand, is rocking the *dog ears* (that's what my mom used to call them.) I could freeze frame kindergarten.

She also got bangs with her last haircut and I'm LOVING them.

Olivia took this picture of Turner and I. He is really coming into his own these days. Doing well in school, working on homework and telling jokes and stories. He is a blast to be around and I really, really like him.

Quinn wasn't super thrilled about me disturbing his dragon war that was going on in order to get a picture with him. He is a fun kid and imagination runs rampant between these three. I really am loving this stage of my kids' lives (except of course, when I'm not! Ha.) I'd say 75% of the time it's really fun around here.

So, here is a peek into our Monday morning. It's gonna be a busy one. Have a great day.

The Waiting Room

2011-11-09T14:27:00.004-05:00

Now the wait begins. The scan is over and Thursday morning is my every-three-week doctor appointment where I'll (most likely) find out that my scan was un-eventful.

Except for the fact that God was there. While I was up in the chemo room, I ran into my *friend* Renee. Renee is probably around 60. She was one chemo round behind me during the rough stuff. Her body didn't respond quite as well as mine did and so she had to do two extra rounds of the rough stuff. I've thought of and have prayed for her often and have not run into her for a few months. It was good to see her. She is now doing pretty well and looks much better.

We drank our Kool Aide together and spent nearly an on hour catching up. Its funny the bond that is created in the chemo room. Especially since we were on the same schedule. She once brought me a pineapple. I brought her balloons when she finally finished.

I've been reading this book, One Thousand Gifts, over the last few weeks. It has revolutionized my life and the way I relate to God. It is a challenging and beautiful book. But its weighty and I've really taken it slow because I want to digest it. In a nutshell, the author tells of how she has found joy (in the good, the hard and the everyday) through being thankful. She kept a journal of 1,000 things she was thankful for. I've discovered there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, even if it seems like dumb stuff.

As I was talking to Renee, I felt like I was suppose to give her my book. I didn't really want to. It had underlines, notes and tear stains in it. Plus, I was only on chapter 8. But I knew I was suppose to. So I pulled it out and briefly told her about it.

Tears filled her eyes and her mouth dropped open. She told me she had just been thinking about this the other day and that this was just what she needed. We exchanged phone numbers so that we could stay in touch. Off we went to get our scans.

I'm still not sure I'd say that I am *glad* I had to get a scan yesterday. But I was really glad that I didn't have to sit there alone and drink my Kool Aide. It was nice to have Renee there. And God too!

Here we go again.

2011-11-07T21:09:00.003-05:00

It's the night before a scan. Every 9 weeks I have a CT scan. The scan is no big deal. I'll go a half hour before my appointment to the chemo room. My sweet nurses will access my port. I'm thankful to have a port (which is next to my left shoulder just below the skin. You can't see it if you're not looking. But if you are, you would notice a little triangle thing that kind of pokes my skin up. In case you were wondering.) I never knew what a port looked like before I had one. The port access doesn't hurt because I have a numbing cream that I put on an hour before they are going to poke me.

Once they access my port, they draw some blood and send it to the lab STAT so they can make sure my kidneys are in good shape to handle the dye they'll shoot through my body during my scan. Whew.

I leave the chemo room with a tube dangling from my chest. I head across the parking lot to radiology at the main hospital. They check me in and hand me an ENORMOUS Styrofoam cup of red Kool Aide with a touch of contrast that will run through my veins so they can see what's going on inside of my body. I sit in a room with others drinking *the Kool Aide*. I have one hour to finish it. Others usually gag it down. I quite like it. (Weird, I know.) But it makes me SUPER cold. I usually bring a jacket and in the dead of summer have been known to ask for a warm blanket.

After an hour they call me back. I hop on a table that has a pillow for my head and my feet. Depending on the day, this is the most relaxed I'll be! They settle me in and get me situated on the bed just right. They take a few initial pictures and then they shoot the dye into my port. Its the weirdest sensation because you can feel the dye move through your body. It finally makes me warm.

They take a few more pictures, usually waiting a few minutes as I lay there waiting for my bladder to fill up. Lucky me. They need pictures of my bladder. I'm usually on the bed not longer than 20 minutes. They always offer me a drink and a snack when its over (I've had to fast at least 4 hours but because I like to go first thing in the morning, I've usually fasted all night, and I'm hungry. But not thirsty... remember, the red Kool Aide!)

Tomorrow will be my 8th CT scan. I'm getting to be a pro. And yet I'm a nervous wreck. There are no signs that anything will show up on my scan. I feel great. (Better than ever?) I had an exam 3 weeks ago that was great. I'm still doing chemo. My doctor has nothing but good things to say about my prognosis. Yet, I've shed tears tonight. I've worried. I've wondered. I've felt the what ifs creep up. I've imagine tumors. I'm a head case. I'm trying to Trust. Believe Jesus. Conquer fear. Lean on Him. Pray. Adjust to the new normal.

I'd appreciate your prayers. All of the above is easier said than done!

Night, night, sleep tight

2011-10-30T22:27:00.005-04:00

Some of my sweetest moments in life happen when I'm tucking my daughter into bed at night. One might think that is because the day is finally over and it's time for some *me time* (and on many occasion, that is true) but most of the time it is because of the sweet and honest talks we have. If you have kids, you may find the same is true at your house.

On Friday, O got her hair cut and for a special treat, I let her get a piece of tinsel tied in her hair. We were going to a wedding reception of our dear friend, and former nanny, Linnea that night. Fast forward to tonight as we laid side by side on her bed and I saw tears welling up in her eyes.

Her bottom lip started to quiver and I asked what was wrong. "I'm just afraid I'm going to get in trouble at school tomorrow for my hair."

The kids are not allowed to wear costumes to school for Halloween, nor are they allowed to wear jewelry any day. She was afraid that her teacher would see her tinsel and she would get in trouble. I dried her eyes and assured her that she would be fine with the one piece of tinsel. I also asked her what would be the worst thing that could happen if she DID get in trouble? (Her fear seemed so irrational.) She squeaked out that Ms. Shirley would take it (the tinsel) out. We then talked about how that would not be so bad. I then reassured her that she would be fine. And if she did get in trouble, I would take the blame.

Once again fast forward a few hours later. I spent some time talking to God about some things I've been mulling over regarding my life, my circumstances, life, death, a sermon at Church this weekend etc. All of a sudden it was like I heard my words come back to me. Only this time, I was the fearful, tearful daughter with irrational fears. I felt like this time HE reassured ME that I would be fine and that I have zero fear of punishment, because Jesus already took my blame.

Friday night, after Linnea's reception I snuggled up to O for a *quick prayer* (it was late, after all, since we stayed out late.) As I prayed for her and her night, I gave thanks for Linnea and Brandon and their new marriage. When I did, I started to cry (I know, I know, enough with the tears around here! It's enough to think someone might be a touch hormonally challenged or something!)

The tears were a result of my realization that this wedding was being planned pretty much through the duration of my chemo.

Honestly, some days the joy and giddiness of wedding planning were a tough pill to swallow. But on Friday night, as my kids and I danced and celebrated Linnea's new life, in some ways it felt like I got a chance to celebrate my new life. With hair. With energy. With health. And as I prayed, gratitude flooded over me like an enormous wave.

Although, some nights bedtime feels like a chore to *get done*, I'm so thankful that recently I've slowed down enough to learn a thing or two.

P.S. How cute is that couple? Couldn't you just hate 'em?!!!

Some things you can't plan for

2011-10-24T20:25:00.004-04:00

Friday evening, Steve and I went to a wedding. It was a lovely, outdoor, at 6:30 pm in October wedding. It was a chilly wedding. It was one of the most unique weddings I've ever been to. I had to sit alone during the ceremony because Steve was the one doing the marrying. He did a great job. I was secretly hurrying him along in my mind though because I was freezing my stuff off. Once the sun went down, it was COLD!

During the evening something caught me off guard. In all the beauty, in all the sweetness of fresh vows; I seemed to slip somewhere that seemed a little *off.* Unfortunately, I couldn't really articulate it until the next morning. But as I sat on it, as I tried to figure it out, I realized... grief had reared it's ugly head. Duh.

A daddy giving his daughter away. A mommy dabbing her tears as her baby joined another. A grief for my own parents. A grief for cancer (now gone... but always haunting, if I let it.) A deep desire to allow thankfulness beat down the self pity that lurks below the surface. A frustration at grief itself. An understanding that I'm in process, but wanting it to be over. A happy occasion for my friends, a reminder of sadness for me.

Identification of emotions for me is always helpful. I've been a bit sensitive the past few days. It catches me off guard. I think what I'm finding out is that there will be events, situations, words, songs, movies, quite frankly, anything, that might catch me off guard... and that's okay. I just wish I could schedule for it.

Mother Nature must have issues

2011-10-20T13:18:00.010-04:00

Didn't I just do a post about how two weeks ago I experienced one of the loveliest, 80 degree October Saturdays EVER?

Yesterday, we could have used that day! It was field day to the apple orchard with the kids' classes and because of the forecast, we needed to make an emergency run to Target the night before for hats, gloves, boots and snow pants.

In a moment of pure crazy, I took all three kids with me. (In the cold, dreary, driving rain.) We pulled in the Target parking lot where I discovered I had left my wallet at home. You don't have to use too much imagination to guess what kind of mood that put me in.

We went in anyhow, just to make sure they were carrying what we needed, hopped back in the van, went home, grabbed the wallet and went back to Target.

I let the kids pick out their own hats and gloves. They did a stellar job for sure.

It rained and was cold for the field trip and today it is even colder and windier. I may be a bit biased, but these kids sure are cute and these pictures have brightened my day. Although, if you had been with me the other night during our SECOND trip, you may not have called any of us cute. There *might* have been some yelling in the check out aisle as I had had enough "togetherness" at that point.

And for the record, NO, I did NOT make my Chinese kid pick out the panda hat. He totally wanted it!

And boy am I glad he did. Isn't that the cutest, most stereotypical thing you've ever seen???

It's a good thing we hit the store that night though, because man was it rainy and cold and windy. Although it wasn't snowy, the snow pants came in handy because, sweet mercy, the mud! (Although I did make one colossal parenting mistake when I opened the closet on filed trip morning to find that we had already given away her winter coat from last winter and have yet to replace it. We made do with an extra warm fleece). Oops.

This is Olivia and her sweet friend Lillian. I had to escort the brothers, but the kindergartners got to fly solo. I ran into O and her friend every now and then and they were holding hands each time. Don't you just want to eat them up?

Kindergarten sweetness is my favorite!!! Can I please press pause on this season? It may be the first season of kid-ness that I've said that for.

3 year old boy kid-ness?

Notsomuch.

Although, faces like these help.
It's been fun to spend a bit more time with my kids' classes over the last few weeks. My kids are in class with kids who have recently moved here from Nepal, Ecuador, Iraq and Mexico.

What a great experience to grow up alongside people who are different from you in so many ways. Especially for Quinn, who was also born in another country.

At the apple orchard there was a little time for goofing around. Turner found that if he swung from this rope and then let go, he would land flat on his back and it didn't even hurt. At first I was about to tell him no, and then I caught myself and thought, "Shoot, why not?" He giggled his little heart out every single time.

And so did I.

Part of the field trip was a hay ride to a pumpkin patch (aka mud bath).

It was cold, windy and no one seemed to notice except the grown ups.

Something about this picture really makes me smile.

Maybe it's the big hats on the little heads.

Maybe it's how close these two are sitting and yet so unaware of each other.

Maybe it's the bags we had to put the pumpkins in because they were so muddy.

Who knows why, but it sure is fun to have a reason to smile on a dreary day like today!!

Deck the Halls

2011-10-18T12:15:00.005-04:00

You may remember back in late Feb/early March, my friends over at Mommin' It Up did a really special and generous thing for me. They did a campaign to help us raise money to pay for our nanny, Linnea. Many of YOU and plenty of strangers contributed, for which we are super grateful. Last month, they had me do a guest post for Ovarian Cancer awareness month. These two ladies (Jenny and Emily) are *just moms* but have used their *super famous* blog for several good causes. They are doing it again.

A mutual friend of ours, Jeni, is a foster mom. She and I have been Facebook friends for awhile now. We ran into each other at the grocery store a little while back and we got to talking and were kinda like, "We ought to be real friends" so we had coffee a week and a half ago. We spent about two hours together but I could have spent all day with her. We had lots to talk about.

Jeni sent me a Facebook message the other day with an idea she had and asked me to help. After the love people showed me during my blog fundraiser, how could I say no?

Jenni, being a foster mom herself, knows the needs of kids in foster care. She has had an amazing idea to do a fundraiser to provide these kids (foster kids in Greene Co., OH) with brand new Christmas presents. Not hand-me-downs. Not crappy Dollar Store gifts (like MY kids get;) ) but a special gift.

My friend, Jenny (yeah, the other Jenny... what was WITH the 80's parents and their need to name their kid Jenny??) over at Mommin' It Up has a way for you to give. Please click over here to get the details on how to give. We are asking for a small donation of $5 or more if you can. I know our family will be doing this. And I will be involving my kids as well. What a great way to bless some kids who don't have much. I know the Internet can be a dangerous place, but isn't it so cool to see how it can be used for good? And to make friends. And to provide smiles.

4 and one week

2011-10-16T20:37:00.008-04:00

A week ago (ish) Quinn Jian turned 4. I say *ish* because we don't actually know when his true birthday is. So, I have a few days on this, right?

The orphanage called October 10th his birthday and so do we. We figure it's pretty accurate because he still had his umbilical cord attached when he arrived at the orphanage. We have pics to prove it!

We gathered nearly 20 of his friends on the most gorgeous 80 degree and sunny October Saturday I've ever seen. We played a few games outside before several of the kids nearly had heat stroke. I guess you can hack the heat in July, but come October, little bodies have already made the leap to fall. Complaints abounded. (Isn't that just the cutest little line up of friends you've ever seen?)

He wanted a Spider man party this year. It's all I heard about for months. So, by golly, we had a Spider man party!

The cake was the main attraction and I had to threaten bodily harm to keep little fingers out of the cake. The good news was that it didn't come to that. Although, I did catch Quinn in the corner before guests arrived shoving cheese balls in his mouth AFTER he was clearly told no more snacks before friends arrived. We had a small lesson on grace and he escaped without punishment.

I had to include a pic of the cake for posterity sake. And for the sake of my wallet. We spent waaaay too much for a few plastic rings and an action figure plunked on a cake.

It's been a while since I've been emotionally overcome by the fact that my sweet son is adopted. *Rescued* if you will, from a life of who knows what. But when I looked at his little face (covered in cheese ball powder) looking at his cake as his 20-some friends sang him happy birthday, my eyes filled with tears. He has dear friends whom he loves and who love him back. Not that he wouldn't have had that in China, but I get to know him and those friends here.

I get to experience that love, that sweetness in my life. I am blessed and amazed at how God arranged for Quinn to be in my life.

He is smart, and funny, and sneaky and a people person. He sweats a lot. He is bossy and generous and a brother.

He is mine.

And all he wanted for his 4th birthday was a Spider man party.

With a Spider man Pinata.

Candy from heaven. What could be better for my sweet son?

Only perhaps cheese balls from heaven.

Happy fourth, Quinn. I love you.

one of these days.

2011-10-13T13:11:00.001-04:00

on the road again. one of these days you'll get to see pics of Quinn's birthday party. But now, we're loading up the van and heading to Cleveland for a little work and a little Grandma/Papa time. I'm being summoned... so I'm off. Have a great weekend.

Sorry, mamaw's been at the park

2011-10-10T14:43:00.003-04:00

Shoot. I was suppose to get back on the bloggy horse. But out of nowhere, we were blindsided by the most gorgeous weather week I may have EVER experienced in Ohio. Every day was clear blue (almost hurt your eyes, cloudless kind of blue) skies, mid to upper seventy degrees and spot on perfection. The kind of perfection that should be a crime to stay in your house and blog perfection. Affected by weather much?

Have I mentioned that I might have turned into a 80 year old lady last winter without telling you? Because, seriously, I would be more than happy to hunker down in some retirement village in a warm climate state, buy a golf cart and just roam around in the lovely weather all day long.

But I digress. With all that UH-mAZING weather (another reason I'm 80 and you didn't know it... apparently all I can talk about it my health and the weather. No offense to the 80 year olds out there...) we were at our favorite park 4 out of the 5 school days for evening play last week. Saturday was Quinn's big Spider-man birthday party (with pics to come just as soon as the Ohio weather turns on me again) and yesterday was major clean the house day. So obviously, blogging once again has taken a back seat to life. But I swear, if you hang in there with me, there will be plenty more life changing talk of ailments and weather related excitement. I swear on my last tube of Ben Gay.

I have a new motto

2011-10-03T13:32:00.006-04:00

I've been reading a new book lately. Today, while I was at chemo, I came across a quote that I really, really liked. I'm not a huge quoter, but this one I may adapt as my new life motto. Are you ready for it?

"Life is not an emergency."

For some reason, that really resonates with me. My life seems to have been one crisis after another during this past year. But life itself is not an emergency.

My crazy short hair? NOT an emergency! In fact, over the weekend, four different people asked me where I get my hair cut. You better believe they are not exactly lining up outside the Kettering Women's Cancer Center to get theirs done too.

Getting dinner on the table? NOT an emergency! Especially since I've found Pinterest. If you have not gone to Pinterest, do so. Right now. You, and your family can thank me later.

This weekend was super fun. I took the kids to do lots of fun stuff, including a fall festival at our Y on Friday night and a kid thing at the Mall on Saturday. Olivia got called up on stage by the magician.

Needing to vacate the house while Steve did home projects? NOT an emergency! Although my attitude by Sunday was nearing emergency lows. Too much activity with not enough downtime for a grieving mommy may not have been the smartest choice for me, but life is life and it's not an emergency.

Life lately
has tested me, that's for sure. I wish I was a bit more like Quinn, because sometimes you just need to lay down and take a little nap. Emergencies can wait. Life just isn't one of them!

Some good, some bad

2011-10-01T16:44:00.004-04:00

I've been meaning to blog for days. It's kind of been haunting me. Like one of those things you kind of want to do, but more know you *should* do. Should because so many of you have been so kind with comments on my dad's passing. In all honesty, this week has been down right busy. Lots of life going on. Last week we totally closed out my dad's apartment. Goodwill. Craig's List. Garbage. Laughs. Tears. Arguments.

I came across something on grief this week that said, "Don't be in a rush to get rid of your loved one's belongings." Too late. "Don't be in a rush to close your loved one's house." Too late. "Don't hop back into your normal life too soon. Take some time off if possible." Not possible.

I've caught myself several times this week getting ready to call my dad. For the past 5 years I've called home daily to make sure everyone was alright. That responsibility is now over. Some of that is actually a relief.

That is my brief update. I've really enjoyed this past week in the midst of grief. I laughed. A lot. Found much to be thankful for. Had another great report from my doctor. Exercised. Cooked. Baked. Enjoyed time with some girlfriends. Celebrated my husband (he turned 41 this week.) Watched The X Factor. Totally loved it!!! Bought my kids warm clothes (it suddenly turned fall here in Dayton; leaving us a bit unprepared.) I did lots of stuff. Blogging just wasn't one of them.

Here's to getting back into the blog swing of things. Have a great weekend and GO BUCKEYES.

"Dad?" "Yes, it is!"

2011-09-21T10:12:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update to let you know that yesterday, Tuesday September 20th, I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath. It was just how he would have wanted it to be, the two of us to the end. I arrived at the hospital at 11 am. Three different times he opened his eyes. He knew I was there. I read Scripture with him a few times through out the day. Each time it looked like he was nestling into his bed to hear a bit better. He didn't say a word yesterday. We held hands most of the day. I told him stories about the kids. Things coming up in our lives. I reminisced about old times. Affirmed him for the man he was and made some inside jokes. I tried to think of all the things I wanted him to hear me say. At 4pm they moved him to the hospice wing of the hospital. At 5:35 he took his last breath with me saying good bye and holding his hand. 5 minutes later one of my best friends, Sarah, walked in the door. God's perfect timing so I didn't have to be alone. I drove back to Dayton last night so I could be with Steve and tell the kids this morning.

I have so many thoughts and emotions that I hope you don't mind me unpacking here in the days and weeks to come. Right now I'm numb. I go between feeling the need to clean and organize my house (? no idea where that is coming from) and then the need to curl up in a heap and cry my eyes out. I found myself saying "I don't think I can do this." I'm not sure what I mean by "this." Its just what my gut is saying. I'm 39 and an orphan. It's a tough pill to swallow. I'm waiting for the comfort of the Lord to swoop in, I know He is here... lots of evidence. More on that to come.

The time has come

2011-09-19T08:10:00.002-04:00

Who knew the day would every arrive when I would be asked to be a *guest blogger* on another blog? My friends Jenny and Emily over at Mommin' It Up asked me to write a post about my Cancer journey in honor of Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. It's a bit of a bummer when you're asked to be a guest because of your battle with Cancer and not because of your laugh out loud humor or your incredible style tips ;) but it's niced to be asked regardless. You can click here to check out what I wrote.

Seriously, though, I do want to thank Jenny and Emily, their readers and several other bloggy friends who hosted GimmEfive, a fundraiser back in February. Through their efforts we were able to raise 100% of the funds needed to cover the cost of our nanny during the time of my *rough chemo* treatments. The blogging world is interesting. It is so strange to feel connected to people that perhaps you've never met. You can stalk their lives and feel like *friends* when you're not. You can know more about people who wouldn't know you if you saw them in an aisle at Target than you do about some of your family. I'm thankful to know Jenny and Emily in my *real* life. I'm thankful that they use their blog for good. I hope that through my Cancer journey, God will use this blog for good. I hope if you ever see me in a Target aisle you will say hi. I hope someday, we might be actual friends.

Until then, get your buns over to Mommin' It Up and make some new friends!

It's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep

2011-09-16T04:55:00.004-04:00

It was 6:15 and I needed to get back on the road. I knew it was time to say goodbye. But the click and rush of the ventilator was making it hard. I leaned over and told him I loved him. I told him he was a great dad. I told him to rest and let his body heal. I told him to talk to Jesus. I squeezed his chilly hand and kissed his cool forehead. I smoothed out his bed head one last time. I gulped back the tears and left the ICU. Once I got in the car, I slumped my shoulders and cried like a baby, sure that I had said goodbye to my dad one last time.

On the two and a half hour ride home, I replayed some memories. I saw him in the stands at one of my swim meets. I came into the pharmacy in one of my Halloween costumes to trick or treat for an enormous candy bar since he had to work. I was in Toronto seeing Phantom with both he and my mom. It was bittersweet. One thing is for sure, when you're working through saying goodbye to a loved one, don't listen to Country music OR Christian music alone in the car on a relatively long drive. It's enough to send you over the edge.

So you can imagine my delight and surprise when I spoke with him on the phone last night at 9:15. Call in hours to the ICU are 9 am and 9 pm. If anything happens in between those hours, they call you. Promptly at 9:01, I called in. Erin, the nurse, was happy to tell me they took him off the ventilator earlier in the day and that he was sitting up and eating some mashed potatoes. He is off the insulin drip and they have nearly weaned him off the blood pressure medication that was stabilizing him. Granted, he's weak and still has many issues, but they have decided to treat him medically and with diet rather than surgery.

Miracle? Miracle!

I asked the nurse if there was a phone in his room. I pretty much knew the answer. You aren't in the ICU to chat on the phone. But she was somehow able to rig a phone call to him. I wanted him to know that Steve and I are on our way this weekend. The first thing I said was, "DAD!!!!" The first thing he said was, "YES!!!! It is!" This is the way we start EVERY conversation on the phone. I can't tell you how giddy I was. Steve said it sounded like Christmas morning around here.

We have a crazy uphill battle to climb with his health. The next step is getting him into a rehab facility where this won't happen again. I'd really like him to come to Dayton. That is a fight you can pray for. We will head up there this weekend to fight that fight. The goal will be to get him strong enough to move back to his apartment; I feel he should be near us in order to reach that goal.

No one needs to argue with me about the fact that God is a healer. I know that sometimes He chooses to and sometimes He doesn't. Today, I am thankful that He has chosen to bring my dad back a little while longer.

The hits keep coming

2011-09-14T16:03:00.003-04:00

I briefly mentioned in a blog last week that my dad was in the hospital and I was worried about him. He was moved last Thursday to a nursing home/rehab facility. Clearly, he needed some physical therapy in order to go back home, where he lives alone. Each day I talked with him, his words became more garbled and he was hard to understand.

I got a friend to keep the kids on Sunday so that Steve and I could head to Toledo to visit with him, get his mail and make sure all was well. Steve stayed back at my dad's apartment while I drove my dad's car over to the rehab center. When I arrived, my dad was sitting in a wheelchair and it quickly became apparent that he was not well. He was rather slumped in the chair and could only open one eye at a time. Within the first five minutes, he dozed off several times. Lunch came and he wasn't hungry. He could not hold the fork by himself nor could he get his drink to his mouth. My heart sunk. Just one week before he had driven himself to the grocery store and done some shopping.

I got the nurse and started asking questions. Without going into too many details, my dad is suffering from severe colitis probably brought on by Chrones Disease. This is a new diagnosis (as of July) but we were also told it wasn't Chrones. It's been a confusing journey to say the least. Suffice it to say, he is SEVERELY dehydrated. So not being able to get a drink to his mouth on his own is NOT good. The nurse told me she thought this was his normal state. I think when she saw how upset I was (I just couldn't get myself under control) she got the picture. In between semi-lucid conversations that were hard to understand, he was having crazy hallucinations. It was scary.

When we left on Sunday (which was incredibly hard for me to do, but had to be done since I had to be back home for a 9:30 chemo treatment on Monday morning), the nurses said they were going to call the house Dr. to see what they should do. Duh! You would think they would have done something a day or two sooner considering a man with severe diarrhea who can't get anything to drink on his own.

I got a phone call 20 minutes later saying they were taking him by ambulance to the ER. He has been in the ICU since Sunday night. He is now on a ventilator, sedated and the docs are waiting to see how to proceed next. His blood pressure was dangerously low. The medication they have been giving him has helped that stabilize a bit. His kidneys are not working properly and they don't know exactly why. They did a scope on his intestines yesterday to determine once and for all if he does have Chrones. We are in a holding pattern. We are praying that as he sleeps he will get the rest he needs for his body to heal.

Honestly, the last 15 months have been some of the hardest of my life. Losing my mom, a cancer diagnosis, chemo, losing Steve's grandma, and now facing the reality that I may lose my dad soon. I am seriously at the end of myself. I hate to be all pity party-ish. I fear being *that friend* who is all gloom and doom. But honestly, it feels like just as soon as I pick myself up from the most recent blow, something else comes in right behind it. I also know there are people in the world who have it (a.k.a. life circumstances) way worse than I do. I have so much to be thankful for... perhaps I need to focus there a bit... but OH MY GOSH... I don't know if I can take one more life drama anytime soon.

I feel as if in some ways I'm turning off emotion. I'm one crappy thing away from hardening my heart. Pray I don't. Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. Most of all, thanks for praying. Here's hoping I have some good news to share with you some time soon!

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

2011-09-10T09:22:00.002-04:00

Ten years ago I was living in Shanghai, China. I had just settled in for my third year of studies at a University there. I was living in an off campus apartment, by myself. My friend, Shannon, a Chinese friend was staying with me for a few weeks while she was looking for a place of her own.

It was late in the evening and I was watching a DVD. My phone rang. It was my friend Phyllis. She is my friend because she keeps me in stitches. So when she told me to prepare myself, the World Trade Center had been hit with an airplane, I might have told her to shut up. She got real serious and said the news was true. She and her family lived in more of a luxury apartment building and had CNN in English and was able to get fast and accurate news.

Because I had lived in New York City right before moving to China, the City still felt like home. I had gone to a very large church in Manhattan, Redeemer Presbyterian. Many attenders worked in the financial district. One of my first thoughts was, "Oh dear Lord, most of Redeemer is gone."

I hung up the phone and immediately tried calling some of my best friends living in the City. As you know, that was impossible. I tried calling my parents in Ohio and even that took a while. Phone lines were just plain tied up. I was also on line trying to get any info I could, but 10 years ago, Internet connections weren't what they are now... especially in China. That night on the Chinese news there was a 30 second clip about the day. It was eye opening. We do the same thing here. A tragedy half way around the world often only makes a short clip on the nightly news.

Phyllis called back a few minutes later to tell me that another plane hit. I remember the pit in my stomach, now thinking of all my friends in the City. Thinking about what I might have been doing that morning if I was there. I had worked at NYU and could clearly see the towers from campus. I wanted to throw up.

Again, another phone call saying the Towers had fallen. I'm not sure I said anything, I just hung up. I called another American friend who lived in the dorms on campus and she came over. We cried. Our campus told us not to come to class the next day and to stay inside, they didn't know if we would be unsafe. We didn't stay on campus, but we went over to another friends' apartment who also had CNN. A bunch of us Americans sat glued to the TV, probably just like you did.

Later that day we learned that all air travel in and out of the U.S. had been suspended, for several days as I remember. It was the weirdest feeling, not being able to get back home if I needed to. I was literally stuck in China.

As news came from home and I realized all my friends were fine, there was a bit of relief. I had heard news that miraculously, most of the people at my church had been spared. But life in China went on as normal. One of the biggest history changing events in America, and I was not able to grieve as the rest of the country was. My parents told stories of the heroes. They shared about the renewed patriotism. I was eating noodles.

I came home for a short visit in February, 2002. I made a trip to the City. I had to. My plane flew over the southern tip of Manhattan. My stomach lept into my mouth as there was a horrifying gap in the landscape. I cried. I went down to Ground Zero. I saw the self made memorials that still stood, five months later. I cried. I mourned. I tried to *catch* up with my fellow Americans. I was angry at all of the people from other countries taking pictures at Ground Zero, as if it was another tourist attraction.

I didn't know on that trip that I would not be moving back to the City after leaving China. God had a different plan. New York is magical. Perhaps my favorite place on the planet. Even though I only lived there for three years, in some ways they were the best three years of my life... NY greatly shaped who I am today. In my heart, I'll always be a New Yorker. So on this 10th anniversary, I mourn. In some ways I'm still trying to *catch up*. My thoughts and prayers are with all the family, friends and loved ones of those who lost their lives 10 years ago.

just a touch of crazy

2011-09-08T12:05:00.002-04:00

I'm supposed to be vacuuming my house right now. But *unfortunately* I flipped the switch gave it one shove and the thing went poof. I'm pretty sure poof is not a good sound. Even more sure because right after the poof, it stopped working. So I'm pretty sure that is a sign that I'm suppose to blog instead.

I had my regular every-three-week-appointment with my oncologist today. They are pretty uneventful. Except for once every 6 (or is it 8? I can't remember) weeks when I have my Cat scan and I get the results. I was pretty level headed this time. I feel GREAT and have no reason to suspect they would have found anything on the scan. I was pretty calm.

Except for the fact that I wasn't! For one, my dad is back in the hospital. He's been in and out for the past few months. He lives alone and I'm worried about him. I have a general angst about Turner, hoping today will be the day he gets over his distaste for the lunch room. Then there's the scan, which is nothing to worry about. Until I was getting my blood drawn. My nurse innocently asked if I was there alone today? Yep. Then it dawned on my, "Maybe she knows something. Maybe I shouldn't be here alone. I wonder if she's worried that I won't be able to drive home after I hear the bad news?" So I sat in the waiting room waiting to be called back, ready to receive the *news.*

They took my blood pressure. It made the machine ding. Apparently, much like poofs, dings are not good. The nurse's eyes bugged out of her head. I guess it was a little high. I explained about how I tend to get a little edgy on scan day. The other nurse told me I wear her out (in a kind/light hearted way?!?) My reply, "Girl... try being me!"

Of course, all was well. Nothing on the scan. In fact my doctor told me, "They must have found you boring. There's not much here." They really have a way with words around there don't they :).

I'll re-check my blood pressure tonight and if it is still high they may need to put me on blood pressure meds. Which is common with the chemo drug I'm still getting. But shoot, I was looking forward to being med free. I just went off my anti-depressant. It's going well. I only wanted to kill my dog several times yesterday. And I'm not sure the anti-depressant would have helped me there. However, it may have helped my breakdown in the bathroom after my Cat scan was over yesterday. I ran into my doctor in the hallway right after my scan. He commented that I looked good for someone who just got out of a scan. I ducked into the ladies room and took a 30 second cry. Mostly along the lines of, "How did I get here? What the heck?" Coo Koo.

So, now if I can just get my vacuum cleaner to work, all will be well. Why is it when you don't want it to, stuff sucks... and when you need it to, it won't?

where a kid can be a kid

2011-09-07T16:29:00.011-04:00

It's official... I have three school aged kids. Tuesday was the first day of school for the boys. And while I was bemoaning the fact that the summer is over, a cold front moved in and it certainly feels like school all of a sudden. I guess that helped me *get in the mood.*

To my surprise, Turner was the one that had a problem with the first day.

When I dropped him off, he just kind of got lost in the sea of children headed into the school building.

He and Quinn looked like old pros as they disappeared down the hall. They didn't even look back.

And THIS is the face I feared the teachers would meet. If you have ever met my kids (or read this blog) you know that Turner is my do before you think child. I love him. He's crazy.

So when I went to pick him up at 1:00 I wasn't entirely surprised when the teacher stepped out of the door and said that he had a bit of a rough morning. I took a deep breath and was prepared to explain how he is a bit of an impulsive kid.

But when she told me he *boo hooed* for much of the morning and wanted his mommy, I'll admit, I was a bit taken aback. Not to mention touched. This is the kid who can't slow down long enough to get a good snuggle in. And *sniff* he wanted me! Am I sounding needy? 'Cuz I'm not! Really!

In order to appeal to his bravery, in a moment of panic, this morning as I got him ready for morning number two, I told him if he could be brave the rest of the week, we would go to Chucky Cheese. (Yes, your honor, I'd like to take an insanity plea. Clearly, I lack the ability to make good and moral choices!) We'll see if it works.

Quinn, on the other hand, is driving me bonkers for a whole host of other reasons.

This kid was born for school. OBVIOUSLY inheriting genes from another mother was really helpful for him in this realm.

When I picked him up at 1:00, I didn't get a break from his stories until he went to bed. It was sweet and adorable and a bit annoying.

He loved every second of school. In fact, I'm pretty sure by the end of this week he'll be running for mayor. 'Cuz he seems to really be working it!

And when pressed for a decision, he will gladly tell you that his favorite part of school is that he got chocolate milk TWICE yesterday. (The kids get there early enough to be part of the *free breakfast* program hosted by the Dayton Public Schools. They use the term breakfast loosely!)

I feed them first, lest their morning be entirely fueled by chocolate milk and pop tarts. But ooooo, was this kid very happy to tell me about his breakfast of chocolate cereal.

I'm glad these three are in school together and can look out for each other. It was cute when they all came home and reported in on the different times they saw each other through out the day.

On a different note, having a morning to myself is NOT going to be good on the budget. Time to myself to go to any store I want and browse the clearance aisle may not be so helpful.

And if you don't hear from me after Friday, check at Chucky Cheese where I may be curled up in a corner in the fetal position boo hooing a bit myself!

A little wind would have been nice

2011-09-04T19:44:00.007-04:00

Steve and I are a lot of things, but spontaneous is NOT one of them.

So when our good friends, Matt and Sally, invited us to join them in Chicago for an over nighter (it was Matt's 40th birthday. Sally got him Bears/Browns tickets) we did something uncharacteristically us. We threw caution to the wind(y city), found a sitter and went.

Despite the nearly two 100 degree days, we couldn't have been happier about that decision!
While I lived in NYC for three years, I have spent virtually no time in Chicago. We only live 5 hours away and now I don't know why we have not been here more. From what we saw in our short little visit, it's a very cool city.

While the guys went to the football game, Sally and I shopped. It was so much fun to have girl time and laugh and talk and shop. It was like water to my soul.

But you know you are a mom when you are on a girls trip and you stop in and spend significant time at the American Girl Doll store. I had never been.

It was lovely. Lovely, highway robbery, yet lovely. I'm not sure I would dare bring Olivia to the store. But it was fun to look around.

Did you know that you can get your doll's hair done? For MORE than I get my hair done! Well, yes, I am bald at the moment, so that isn't too difficult. But I mean when I was getting my hair done.

I was also confused because you can get your doll spa treatments. Have they forgotten that the dolls are made from plastic? I'm not sure she is going to benefit much from a facial. America, we should be ashamed of ourselves for buying into this kind of thing. But I'll be the first to admit, O does have an AGD. I'm just saying the doll is going to have to deal with being the only doll on the block that DOESN'T get a facial.

They strategically put the store right next to the Lego store. Gotta give the boys in your life some lovin' too, I guess.

At our house, we have not ventured into Legos yet. Mostly because I'm a selfish pig of a mom. It is all about me, after all. I just am not ready to start stepping on those dang things every time I turn around... just yet.

My feet were screaming at me. I'm pretty sure they just had gotten over our trip to NYC and were not prepared to walk all over Chicago in flip flops. My tootsies are ready for cooler weather for the simple fact of arch support.

It's amazing what 24 hours away with great friends will do to refresh my soul.

I'm thankful for the way God has blessed me this summer. Honestly, the winter was one horrible blur. In contrast, this summer was one incredible blessing. I feel like our family squeezed the life out of summer. I'm so sad to see it go. But that is for another post.

If I have to say good bye to summer, this was one great way to do it.

Hair we are.

2011-08-29T13:25:00.003-04:00

I didn't know that having two boys would require so many trips to the hair cutter. If I was a bit more confident (or talented), I would do it myself. But I'm not on either front. So, we go to an over priced but well worth it kiddie salon where my kids can watch a movie (their cut is done before the beginning credits are even over) and walk out with a balloon and a sucker. That's worth twelve bucks to me any day.

With Turner's new haircut, his baseball bat injury is EVEN MORE noticeable. Great!

And I didn't know Quinn could look *more Chinese* but he does in this pic. I'll tell you one thing, the kid can grow some mean side burns. They were ridiculous before the haircut. But he's looking good once again.

The boys start school next Tuesday. I'm not exactly all, "Get these kids outta here so I can have the morning to myself." Although it will be nice to run some errands alone, clean my house with out little hands undoing all my efforts with in seconds, and go to all my doctor appointments with out trying to arrange child care. See? I DO have glamorous plans for my free mornings. Jealous, aren't you?

But I am a touch sad to see them go. In the last month or so Quinn and Turner have been enjoying each other SO MUCH. They do role playing and pretend play with their light sabers and their Kung Fu Panda moves all day. And they are getting along great. Except, of course, when they are not.
And without further adieu, here is the latest with my hair. This is a picture of me and my friend, Sarah, at a wedding we were at this weekend. I wish you could see my hair better. Oh, right, that would require MORE HAIR. But I couldn't be more thrilled to have what I have. In about two or three more weeks it should look like just a really short haircut.

I'm still not sure what color it is. One thing seems for sure, it is definitely not curly. People like to tell me it's going to come back curly. But sorry folks, I'm pretty sure it's not. I'm liking to call it *blond* right now. Olivia likes to call it gray. (She's five, what does she know?) Steve thinks it's going to be brown like it was before chemo. Feel free to place your bet.

But in other good hair news, my eyelashes and my eyebrows are back too. Shoot. I'm practically normal once again.

Oh, good grief

2011-08-26T09:36:00.003-04:00

This has been one of those sneaky weeks. The kind that are busy and full of good stuff. Moments to celebrate. Schedules to nail down. Routines to establish. A busy kind of week that doesn't afford much contemplation time. (Wait a minute, my current life doesn't afford me much contemplation time, but that's another post.)

Because of that, I was a bit surprised when a wave of emotion hit me the other day. A smack of grief that I wasn't planning on. Then again, that is the nature of grief. It's unpredictable and unplanned.

This is a week that my mom and I would have been on the phone about five times a day. With so much going on and so much new and exciting. She would have wanted every detail of Olivia's first day of Kindergarten. She would have wanted to know about her class room, what she wore, what her new friends are like, what her stories were. My mom would have wanted details even I don't care about. She would have been seething with anger about the bus situation. She would have felt my pain and my anxiety. Then she and I would have laughed and laughed.

She wouldn't believe what a confident girl our Olivia has turned into. The last she knew, Olivia was struggling with fear and anxiety at school. She would never believe that yesterday, Olivia read a book to the class. The last my mom knew, O had an adorable short hair cut. She would be surprised that her hair is now able to be put into an *up* pony tail. (And she would definitely have an opinion on that... she loved O's hair short.)

My mom would have wanted to know about the notes that I write on her napkin at lunch everyday. She would want to know what I packed- a hard boiled egg, fruit, pretzels and a juice box, fyi. She would laugh at the fact that O didn't eat breakfast at school the other day because they "served unhealthy muffins with chocolate chips in them." (She certainly did not get that from me... or my mom! We live(d) for unhealthy muffins.)

There's not time nor room to mention all that we would be discussing about the brothers getting ready for their first day of school. Oh sweet mercy the time I would log in on phone calls with her this year. Then there would be the topics of my hair coming in, my return to spinning class after 8 months off, my addiction to Pinterest and the 20+ recipes I've tried and my recent attempts (again) at organizing my life.

All things that only a mother, in specific, my mother would care about. Sigh.

I've started accepting and adapting to life with out my best listener. My best question asker. (Shoot, it's been over a year, I should be adapting.) But those sneaky weeks really take me by surprise. So, on behalf of myself, and my mom, thanks for listening!

The wheels on the bus go round and round and round and round

2011-08-23T16:03:00.003-04:00

Remember my sweet peanut of a daughter who started Kindergarten yesterday? The one who waited for the bus that never came?

Remember her mom who crossed the "I'll never let my kid ride the bus to public school" off the *I'll never* list? Yeah, well the sweet peanut of a daughter got the afternoon ride of a lifetime. As did the opinionated, list crossing mother.

Olivia was suppose to get off the bus on our corner at 3:22. The letter from the district said to wait at the stop 10 minutes before she was to get off. Being the OCD parent that I am (even though I can see the bus stop from my window), I arrived at the bus stop at 3:05. Just. In. Case.

I had been warned by some other parents who have older kids at the school that the buses were running late since they were still ironing out the kinks. So when the bus was 20 minutes late, I decided not to panic. When it rolled onto 30 minutes late, I was so proud of myself because I still remained calm. I told myself I'd give the bus until 4:00 and then I would call the school.

At 4:10 I decided to call Steve and then the school. I also texted a few parents to see if their kids got off the bus. Steve got on the phone with the Department of Transportation (whom he tried earlier that morning to get the scoop on the a.m. bus, but after 45 minutes on hold, gave up) and I called the office. I was told her bus was the last to leave but they didn't know what time it left.

Since she was only suppose to be on the bus for 8 minutes according to the schedule, I thought I would give it another 10 minutes in case it had just pulled out (an HOUR late from school. Seemed weird, but you never know.) At 4:25 when the bus was officially an hour late, I called the school again (and Steve was still on hold with DOT) but gained no other further info, other than the fact that the first week of school, buses tend to run late.

Fine, I get it. But how LATE can you be to the first stop of the afternoon?

Finally, at 4:40 her bus rolled up. I ran to greet her. Off stepped a red faced, sweaty and disheveled Olivia. I looked on the bus and there were no other kids. The driver apologized. She said that she didn't know Olivia was on the bus. She did her whole route and then found my kid. She said no one at the school told her O was on the bus. What the????

I asked if the bus would be arriving from now on at the appointed 3:22 time? She said it would be more like 3:45 because she doesn't even arrive at the school until 3:30 (a half hour after O is dismissed.) Needless to say, an hour and forty-five minutes after Olivia got done with her first day of Kindergarten, she got home. Sweaty, tired and ready for another bus ride! The good thing was that she didn't know the difference.

The bad thing? I did.

I got a hold of the DOT today (after another 30 minutes on hold) and was told that should have never happened (duh... glad I held for that!). Apparently it was the bus driver's fault. Not exactly boosting my confidence in letting my 5 year old ride the bus this year.

So I'll be adding this one back to my *I'll never* list. (Until next year rolls around.)

Here we go

2011-08-22T14:27:00.011-04:00

So many people say, don't blink and you'll miss it. I have to admit, while in some ways it seems like just yesterday my girl was a peanut and I was sending her off for her first day of pre-school, so much life has happened around here that it doesn't exactly feel like *yesterday.*

But I have to laugh when I see that tiny little thing with that big 'ole pack pack.
Last year she seemed to fit into the back pack a little better.

Last year's school year was rocky to say the least. And in most ways, we are not exactly sad to turn the page.

So, that is what we did this morning!

My little peanut of a girl, put that Tinkerbell back pack on, one more time and is starting ALL DAY Kindergarten.

And doesn't she look the part?!

She was so excited.

She will be one of three returning kids to her class room (the Montessori school puts 3 4 and 5 year olds in the same classroom.)

She is excited to be a *helper* this year. We had a nice long talk about looking for kids who may be nervous and helping them out. I'm sure she'll do a great job.

She's so big this year, she is able to ride the bus. Which is another *I'll never do* as a parent to cross off the list.

Well, almost.

We waited for the bus to come for over 10 minutes this morning but it never came. So, I drove her to school. Just like the good old days. *Hopefully* she is taking it home this afternoon. If it doesn't go well (or if she comes home with words we don't approve of) I'll be driving her home too!

Here are the infamous Skeetchers. These are not NEARLY as aweful as the brothers'. But you'll have to wait for their first day of school to see those beauties. If you can hang in there for two more weeks, you're in for a real treat.

Their school has moved to a brand new building this year. We are super excited.

If you want to hear JUST HOW EXCITED we are, you can click here and see the little news clip that made it on our nightly news. I'm practically famous!

And just think, you knew me when!!!

Marco

2011-08-19T15:20:00.004-04:00

Polo!

Here I am. The past week has been a whirlwind of activity, travel and escaping from my computer. I promise to be back on a more regular basis (hopefully that is a positive for you.) Between our trip to northern Michigan, Toledo, back to school shopping, cleaning, organizing, appointments and meetings, there has been little time for blogging. Not to mention the winding down of summer t.v. You know, the important stuff.

I'll be back soon with the progress of my hair growth (I know you're dying to know that I no longer look totally like Mr. Clean), back to school pics (O starts Monday, the boys go the day after Labor Day) and other earth shattering news.

But for now I'll leave you with a summary of my life these days:

(On our way to school for Kindergarten testing for O)

O and Quinn yelling at Turner, "Ewwww... gross. Turner, don't eat your booger!!!"

Turner: "Why not?"

Me: "Turner, do you know what boogers are made out of?"

T: "No."

Me: "Dirt. Do you eat dirt?"

T: "No. But there are no tissues in the car. So I have to eat it."

I start to reason with him and then I find myself talking to myself "How did this become my life? I'm talking about boogers with my 3 year old. Wait, now I'm talking to myself. Ugh."

And now I'm sharing it with you. I guess once you've walked around life bald, you have no pride left. May your pride (and hair) be bigger than mine. Have a great Friday. Now I'm off to buy some tissues for my car.

You light up my life

2011-08-10T15:42:00.004-04:00

It might be the perfect day outside. The sky is mostly sunny. The breeze is blowing. The temp *might* reach 80. The a/c is off and the windows are open. And I'm sitting here on my couch on the computer and my dang kids are plopped in front of PBS. SHAME ON US!!!

If it counts, we did spend the better part of the day out side. The kids in the blow up pool, me doing this and that. So there, my guilt is relieved. A touch. I mean, school IS breathing down my neck... O goes back on the 22nd and the brothers start the day after Labor Day.

We started our back to school shopping over the weekend. It seemed crazy to be shopping for school stuff when it was 92 degrees and 112% humidity. But the sales were out there and so were we!

This is the year I finally caved. If your kids ever watch Saturday morning cartoons, you probably know my plight.

Sketchers.

Kill me with the Sketchers!!!

Every other commercial on Saturday mornings is for boy Sketchers. And then for girl Sketchers. *Bad Sketchers*, *Twinkle Toe Sketchers*, *Ballerina Sketchers* blah blah blah. All I hear week after week is "MOM, Can we get Sketchers?" My brilliant come back for a few years has been, "Yes! When you all go to school." Ha! Brill.i.ant!

Until this year, when my brilliance bit me in the butt. As of September 6th, THEY ARE ALL IN SCHOOL. Crap. As of Sunday, August 7th they are all wearing Sketchers. Olivia's twirl (somebody shoot me!), Turner's are *skater shoes* that light up green (Steve died a thousand deaths) and Quinn's have fire all over them and light up red (perhaps the chemo got to my brain? or at least to my better sense.)

My kids now run (because apparently running causes them to light up better?!?) and twirl (there is a ball at the bottom of the very pink very annoying shoe, in case you are wondering)every where. I know this is just the start of it. My friends with teenagers assure me this is just the beginning. And tame. Buying things for your kids that you wouldn't be caught dead in. Par for the course. In the early '80's I *might* have had a "neon" phase that my mother whole heartedly supported, I'm sure.

But for this afternoon... I'm sticking to PBS... they don't do commercials; godbless'em.

Positive Perfection

2011-08-07T08:10:00.019-04:00

Last week at this time I was waking up in New York City. sigh

It was such an amazing long weekend of friends, walking, food and memories. Thanks to my friend, Karen, who gave up her Friday to hang out with us and arrange our housing for the first two nights. Karen's friend Kari Jo and her family were out of the City so they graciously allowed Steve and I to stay in their empty apartment. What a gift! Thank you!!

Ahhh... Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE the city? And by *the city* I mean New York (because I AM a New Yorker at heart, and to us, there is only ONE TRUE city.)

In August of 1996, I packed my bags, sadly kissed my mom and dad goodbye and boarded a plane headed for Manhattan. I didn't have an apartment yet. But my roommate, Jennifer (she went by Jen back then ;) ) let me live with her in her studio apartment which we lovingly called *the box* for a few weeks while we apartment hunted.

Well, we hunted, and we hunted. We got rejected. We got turned down. We signed a lease only to pick up the keys and find out some girl came in the day before us and payed cash. We got our down payment back. Then promptly moved in with some great friends who let us live on their couch for the next six weeks while we hunted some more.

We finally found the perfect apartment for us in the Gramercy Park area. I lived there for the next three years. It was a heavenly place to spend my early 20's.

We were just a few blocks from the Flat Iron Building. My favorite building in all of NY. So on Saturday morning, Steve and I headed back down to my old neighborhood. It was a glorious morning and we enjoyed every minute.

An interesting observation for me on how the city has changed is the cupcake/bakery obsession that has hit the City. When I lived there it was the Gap and Starbucks. You couldn't walk more than two blocks before you could buy a pair of jeans and a grande iced latte. Now it's cupcakes. I would seriously weigh 500 lbs. if I moved back.

They even have cupcakes on wheels. So, naturally, we had to try one while sitting in the shadow of my fav building with a glorious view of the Empire State Building.

We tried the French Toast and bacon cup cake. It was a bit much for me.

Jamba Juice was also passing out a free energy drink only adding to the perfection.

After we were fueled up we headed over to my old apartment. Such fun times. Such a different life.

On our way past, a girl who looked to be about the age I was when I lived there and some friends were hauling out a very old very crunchy Christmas tree. Yep, time to get rid of that thing, kids! Oh to be young again.

The old apartment was one block off of Gramercy Park. This is the last private park left in the City. That means you only get to go in if you have a key to the park. You only get a key if you live in an apartment ON the park. So people like Madonna and Julia Roberts have keys. Not people like me.

By the way, I ran into Julia Roberts walking her dog several times while living there. Each time I ended up just walking past because I couldn't think of anything clever to say. All I could come up with was, "Nice sweater" or "I really love your movies". Yep, best to just keep on walking!

One day a year there would be a *neighbor day* in the park. They would open the gates and let any old riff raff in. I would take a book and read in there until they kicked me out. Classy, I know!

We visited one of my old haunts. A coffee shop called 77 Irving. It used to be on a different street and it used to be a secret. Now it's super popular. But still cute. Once I had coffee with Ann Curry from the Today show there. This time we had coffee with about 75 of our new best friends.

We strolled down to the Union Square Farmer's market. Most Saturdays I would head down there, if not to buy, then just to look.

Gorgeous.

More feast for the eyes.

One of the real reasons we headed to the City was for a friend's wedding. Unfortunately, I didn't pull my camera out during the wedding or the reception. I was enjoying myself too much to dig for it.

As it turns out there were about 20 people from our time overseas. Some whom I hadn't seen in about 10 years. It was a real treat. The reception was out in Flushing, Queens at a Chinese hotel. We were there for over 5 hours and we ate the whole time. It was a 12 course Chinese dinner and it was heaven on earth!

In between the wedding (which was on 5th Ave. right near Central Park) and the reception- about an hour subway ride away- we killed time walking in the park. This was always one of my fav things to do. However, it was about 100 degrees (without an exaggeration) and we were dressed for a wedding. Steve was wearing a suit. It was a good idea for about 10 minutes. The problem was, we walked for about an hour. By the end we were sweaty, tired and really grumpy. Thankfully, we recovered and were able to enjoy the reception and our friends!

Sunday was a fun day of brunch with friends (where once again, I was so lost in the moment I forgot to get a picture with them. Sorry, Queeners!) Then Steve and I hopped on the subway and went downtown to SoHo, Chinatown and then tried a new experience. The High Line.

This might have been my favorite thing all weekend. The old elevated train tracks that carried cars of meat into the old meat packing district have now been transformed into a city park. It goes from 14th St. to 34th St. and is an amazing view of the city. We loved it!!!

Then we hopped back on the train for a dinner at a lovely side walk cafe. Maine lobster roll and homemade chips? Yes, please and thank you!

After our first two nights at the apartment, we moved out and headed to a night at a hotel. We stayed on the Upper West Side at a very cute place called On the Ave. It was a bit more European and we loved it. Our room was clean and spacious and on the 16th floor there was a balcony with patio furniture.

We were able to relax, enjoy some rest and conversation and some coffee up there.

The weekend was such a great balance of friends, memories, delicious food, relaxation, conversation and culture.

It was exactly what I needed after these grueling months of chemo and stress.

We headed back home Monday afternoon. But not before one last stroll through Central Park and a delicious brunch at a side walk cafe. We arrived at the airport with enough time to hop on an early flight. They were predicting rain and flights are easy to be delayed from there. We arrived at our connection in D.C. an hour and a half earlier than expected. Only to find that because of storms our flight would eventually be totally cancelled for the day. Our 6:30 pm arrival home turned into a noon arrival THE NEXT DAY. So, perhaps not total perfection. But close enough!

Gotcha

2011-08-05T13:10:00.006-04:00

True to my summer form, I'm a bit behind.

We celebrated Quinn's second *Gotcha Day* on Tuesday, July 26. If you are unfamiliar with the adoption world, Gotcha Day is traditionally celebrated on the day that you met your child. Since so many Internationally adopted children have an unknown birthday, Gotcha Day is their special day that can be accompanied with their own story.

And boy do we have a story. Two years ago, Steve and I travelled to Xi'an, China to meet our son. My best friend, Lisa, and her husband, Gary, were living in China at the time and were able to take the train to be with us for a few days when we met Quinn. That was a total gift in and of itself. Not to mention, Quinn's Gotcha Day is also Lisa's birthday. In China, that's called double happiness.

Honestly, the few hours leading up to meeting Quinn were some of the most nerve wracking of my life (well, up until cancer.)

We were taken to a government building where we waited for his orphanage to bring him on a van. Thanks to the bird flu foreigners were unable to go orphanages. We waited outside of an elevator on the 6th floor for about a half hour (glamorous, right?) Every time the elevator door opened, I nearly had a heart attack.

They finally opened with Quinn in his care taker's arms. A butter ball of a boy wearing a Green Bay Packers corduroy jump suit (in the middle of July). You know I could hardly WAIT to get that kid back to the hotel and put some Gymboree on him.

The initial meeting didn't go so great. Quinn cried and carried on (as expected) for about a half hour. That is, until we gave him a sucker. And to this day, the kid loves him some sugar. Snap, he IS my kid. Initially, he took to Steve more than me. Soon he preferred me. Then, both of us. He protested by not drinking anything for 24 hours, which sent me into a panic. He hoarded food in his cheeks for a few days. But eventually, he decided he liked us.

Since then, he's never looked back. And neither have we.

I can't imagine life without Quinn. He is smart. A clown. An extrovert. A talker. Cautious. A lover. Stubborn. Clever. Generous. Relentless.

Each year we go out to eat for some Chinese food. The waitresses love him. We look at his baby book (can you believe his orphanage made him one?) and watch his Gotcha Day video.

It is hard to imagine what life for Quinn would have been like in China.

It is hard to imagine what our lives would be like without him.

I'm sad for the family and friends that have missed out on his presence back there. But I am thankful that their loss is our gain. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing us with Quinn Jian Koproski!

Start spreadin the news...

2011-07-29T07:50:00.003-04:00

Shoot. I meant to do a post about Gotcha Day. It was two years ago on Tuesday that we met Quinn. We had a fun day of celebrating (with pictures to boot). And when we get back, I'll post the pics. But in about 15 minutes, Steve and I are out the door for a long weekend in New York City. Kid free. There will certainly be pictures and stories to come.

Several moons ago, I used to live there and thought I would die there. Well.... now I live in Ohio. Oh well. But nothing thrills my heart and pumps life into my soul like time in the City. Not to mention some amazing friends who are still there. So for my birthday present this year, Steve suprised me with a trip to the City. Yep, I might tinkle in my pants just thinking about it. So I gotta run so that we can be at the airport with PLENTY of time to spare (Steve would roll up as the doors to the plane were closing if it were up to him.) Have a great weekend and please pray that we don't expire in a pool of our own sweat as we ride the subway! Shoot, maybe I will die in NYC after all! mmmm... but what a way to go.

mom of the year

2011-07-26T16:33:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days. The kids drove. me. bonkers. It started about five minutes after they rolled out of bed asking 14 million times if today was *cartoon day?* No, it's not. Today is Monday. But is today cartoooooon day? No! It's not. WHAAAAAAA, we want cartooooon day. Somebody shoot me.

And it went on and on like that pretty much all morning about something or another. My fuse was pretty short. I thought getting them out of the house would help. At 1:30, I couldn't stand it (and by it, I mean *them*) any longer so we went to the park. The awesome park. The one that has a ginormous sand pit. The one that I used to obsess over whether or not they were getting sand in their hair and playing nicely with the other 75 kids. The one that now, as long as no one is bloody or making others bloody, I don't care what they are doing or where they are putting sand.

Finally, at 3:00, when I could take the heat no longer, we loaded up (sand and all) and rolled over to the outdoor pool. Steve was planning on meeting us there at 4:00, which meant only an hour by myself. The heavens parted and the Lord had mercy because I rolled up and found a front row parking spot. We went to the kiddie pool where we usually stay until I can get some parental back up at 4:00.

Then, *IT* happened. A conspiracy that must have happened back at the sand pit. The *let's send mom to the loony bin* plan. Aka: Operation *Watch Me*.

You see, I am an only child. And before you make all kind of assumptions, I'm pretty well adjusted (just don't ask me to share anything and for sure never tell me no!) As an only child, I have no experience with contending for parental attention. Which also means I have no modeling (for better or for worse) to draw from. I'm making this up as I go along, people!

Within 45 minutes of being in the kiddie pool, my three children must have said the phrase, "Hey mom, watch me!" 250 times. Upon the 251st time, my eyes became red with rage and I had had enough. "Okay. You may NOT ask me to watch you do anything else. Nothing. Do. Not. Ask. Me. One. More. Time."

To which Quinn waited about 3 seconds and said, "Hey mom, pay attention to this..." I'm pretty sure my head spun around and steam came from my ears. Oh. My. Gosh.

I then instructed them to not even talk to me. If they wanted to talk to someone they were allowed to talk to each other. By the time Steve arrived at 4:00, I'm pretty sure the other mom's at the pool were ready to call Children Services on me. Which really would have been fine at that point. Just make mine a padded cell! Cookoo! Cookoo!

Life would be dull without a little crazy

2011-07-22T16:01:00.004-04:00

Dang, I'm having a struggle keeping up on my blog. It's mostly because we are having so much fun. We are busy busy busy. It's not for the lack of postable stuff, it's just that at the end of the day I'm not feeling like posting. Is this what you call the dog days of blogging?

Post-surgery I've been feeling great! It's been too hot to do just about anything longer than 10 minutes outside. We bought the kids a pretty nice sized blow up pool. Which is really great for them, but pretty miserable for me. They are cool and happy and I'm sitting there sweating my buns off. And contrary to popular belief, being bald does NOT keep you any cooler!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. No big news. It's standard. With my new phase of chemo (which Steve and I have given the pet name of *Chemo Lite*... who has a pet name for their chemo???) I go once every three weeks for an hour of chemo and then once at the end of those same three weeks for a Dr.'s appointment- for the next year. There were no scans or blood tests to review, so I knew it would be pretty no big deal. He mostly wanted to check my incision from Monday and answer any questions I had.

I only had two. Since all of this has happened, I've turned into a crazy loony hypochondriac. I had a question about my arm pit (which I was pretty sure was lymphoma... it's not. It's just the way my arm pit was made) and my throat (which I was pretty sure was throat cancer... it's not either. It's just tonsil stones.) I left the office feeling much relief. I'm pretty sure my doctor must think I'm a grade A whack job.

So, I could enter today rather care free. Which was good since we had a birthday party to attend and then later tonight Steve and I are going to dinner and a movie with some friends and finally it's off to another kid birthday party tomorrow evening.

See? With all this craziness (literally and figuratively) who has time to blog?

One down, one to go

2011-07-18T20:52:00.002-04:00

Although it's smack dab in the middle of The Bachelorette (so I'm gonna make this short and sweet) I thought I'd let you know that today was a big day for me. I got my abdominal port removed. And even though it was surgery (yuck!) it was the good kind of surgery! I am happy to now be a one port woman.

While I'm thankful to have been able to get the abdominal chemo, and believe God hooked me up with a fabulous doctor who got me into a study for cutting edge ovarian cancer research... I'm soooo ready to get this thing outta me.

All went well. I'll have a few days of sore ribs. But in the scheme of things, that is a piece of cake. For a girl who was once scared of needles, I've come a long way. Thanks for the prayers.

Fashionably late

2011-07-16T13:36:00.007-04:00

A week ago today we celebrated my being cancer-free. It turned out to be a lovely day. Hot. But lovely.

Steve and I counted up the people who came. To our surprise, over 70 friends braved the heat and humidity to celebrate with us. Two of my Bachelorette watching buddies escaped for the afternoon and lent a hand in helping me set up a bit.

With three kids, things always seem to take a bit longer than expected. Thankfully, my expectation for the afternoon was casual so I didn't get too stressed out.

One of my new favorite things on line is Pinterest. If you have not checked it out... go and do it now!

I was able to find some yummy recipes and tried them for the shin dig.

My friend, Cortney, who baked Olivia's cake for her birthday, baked my amazing cake.

My *theme* during this rough stretch (who has a cancer theme?) has been Psalm 34:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I guess that comes in handy when you finally throw your party!

Our sweet neighbor, Monica, brought a delicious and huge watermelon. It was a hit.

And finally, I thought it would be fitting to put a picture of our *Nanny* up. I think many of you may have a picture of Mrs. Doubtfire in your mind.

Nope.

This is sweet Linnea. The Nanny.

Isn't she adorable?! My kids are in detox right now. Every day, it's, "Is Linnea coming today?" And when I tell them no she is not coming everyday any more, it's like I killed their puppy or something.

However, they will get her Monday. I'm having a short outpatient surgery to get my abdominal port removed. Oh happy day! Although I am not looking forward to surgery, I am looking forward to getting this annoying thing removed! I'm also looking forward to never having to deal with abdominal chemo again! Prayers welcome that all goes well Monday afternoon.

A hole in our hearts

2011-07-15T13:14:00.002-04:00

On July 4th we lost Steve's grandma. I've been trying to blog about it ever since. It's been one of those things, a not so funny comedy of errors. Finally, after nearly 45 minutes of trying to get a picture of her posted up on here, I decided enough was enough. I'm sad you won't get to see her, because she was something else. A true beauty.

Great Grandma (or *The New Grandma* as my kids called her, which is hilarious since she was the matriarch of the Koproski family, but to kids she was *new*) lived down in Tampa and we got to see her at Christmas time. Ironically enough, The New Grandma was a bit of a bizarre snow bird. She lived all year in Tampa but spent most of December and January in Kalamazoo, MI (one of the coldest and snowiest places I've been.) But that was because she loved her family and wanted to be near them at the holidays.

She had just sold her house, packed her stuff and loaded it onto a moving truck because she was ready to make a permanent move to Kalamazoo to be with Steve's aunt and her family. This was exciting for us as we started planning a few trips, even one at the end of the summer, to spend some time with her. But she literally went straight from the airport to the Emergency Room and never made it back home. She was the only remaining Great Grandparent for my kids.

Grandma had a special place in my heart. When Steve and I got married, all of my grandparents were gone. And from the first time I met her, she felt immediately like my own grandmother. She, in fact, was similar to my own grandma. If it wasn't for her, I might not even be married right now!

Steve dragged his feet on the whole proposal thing. We had been dating for over a year when we finally had a conversation on the phone in which he asked me for my thoughts on the future of our relationship. For the first time, I put it all out there on the line and told him I was sure he was the one. To which I met silence on the other end. How's that for leaving a girl hanging?

The next day Steve had some business down in Florida and then took a personal day to spend with his grandma. He shared with her our conversation to which she asked, "Well, what did you say to her?" When he told her he basically said nothing, she called him a *little name* and said, "What were you thinking?" She then went on to chew him out. Later that evening, they went ring shopping together and we were engaged a few weeks later.

So, thanks to Grandma, I am a Koproski.

She was feisty, generous, a lover of my kids, meticulous, faithful and gorgeous.

Steve did her graveside memorial service on Monday morning. As he was about 1/2 way through, a fierce storm blew in. There we were under a tent next to a metal casket during an electrical storm. She would have shook her head and called us all a name and then chuckled. She would have loved what Steve said. She would have been very proud of him. She always was. She loved it when he would speak to the waiters at the Chinese restaurant in Chinese.

I could go on and on. This year has pretty much sucked. The loss of Grandma fits in there for sure. But I'm pretty sure that 88 year old lady would have chosen it this way if she could have. Shoot, she just might have! We love you, Grandma, you will be missed by the Dayton Koproskis!

More than we bargained for

2011-07-07T13:15:00.007-04:00

Our 4th of July weekend was what you *might* call full.

We went to the pool. We had friends from NYC over for dinner.

We went to a festival, where it was 95 degrees. The kids made crafts. Drums. The craft that keeps on giving!
We ate overpriced ice cream.

We had dinner with more friends.
We went to church.

We took a short rest.

We went to our first ever fireworks show as a family. The nice thing was we could walk.

We sat away from the big crowds and beat them out afterthe show too.

The boys didn't love the loud booms.

Olivia and I did!

We marched in our neighborhood's parade.

We won most decorated family. We even got a trophy.

We broke the trophy.

We ended our weekend at our neighborhood picnic. It was great fun until Turner took a baseball bat to the face.

We then officially ended our weekend with a trip the Emergency Room. It is a miracle (literally) that he ended up with only 3 stitches. Nothing broken. No concussion. Only a minor heart attack for Steve and I. With all the blood and screaming it was touch and go there for awhile (for us, not him.)

I think next holiday, we're going to go a bit more low-key!

C'mon and join us, Let's Get Happy

2011-07-04T15:09:00.003-04:00

Well, friends it's official...

I'm CANCER FREE!!!

We had a doctor's appointment last Wednesday and the scan was clear and my numbers are down. So, Let's Celebrate.

Like I said in a previous blog, our whole family would L.O.V.E. for you to join us

NEXT SATURDAY, JULY 9TH from 2-5 at Newcom- Founders Park in the Oregon District (45402). The park is on the corner of Green St. and Brown St. in Dayton if you want to do a Map Quest. (If it rains, we'll move the party to my house- just excuse the mess. The address will be at the park if that happens since I don't really want to post it here.)

There will be dessert, snacks and drinks (sorry, not THOSE kind of drinks!) Please bring your own lawn chair or blanket to sit on. There is a nice jungle gym/swing area for kids and we're hoping to have some corn hole too. We just wanted a time to celebrate together and say thank you for all the prayers, gifts, notes, emails, comments, dollars and encouragement that friends, family and even complete strangers have given us these past several months.

If you think you can make it, it would be great if you wouldn't mind leaving a comment (just so we can know how many treats to have.) 'Cuz it would be really awesome to have snacks for 100 people and have 20 come... or better yet, snacks for 20 and 100 come. Either way, come! And please forgive me if for some reason you come and I have to ask your name... that's the weird thing about blogs, right? You know when I poop and when I don't, but there's a chance I don't know anything about you.

We are off to wrap up our July 4th festivities but I thought I better post the details before you made other plans;)

It made me smile

2011-07-02T16:00:00.002-04:00

So yesterday, the kids and I spent about 8 hours outside. It was a little warm and I got a little sun burnt, but it was a wonderful day. Before heading out to the park and then on to the pool, I felt I needed a little pick me up in the form of a Frappacino. I headed to the Starbucks closest to my favorite park in hopes that it wouldn't totally melt before we made it to the park.

I was in my swimsuit top w/shorts and decided to run in without my hat. This weekend around here (and probably around where you are too) it is H.O.T. not to mention humid. Way too hot for a hat and perfect for a girl with no hair. This particular Starbucks is in a bit of a snooty community (no offense to my friends who live there... you know I'm not talking about you!) and it did run through my mind perhaps I should wear a hat. But shoot, I just didn't.

I got up to the counter and ordered and the barrista told me that my drink would be on her today. I didn't know if I heard her right, I've never had anyone do that before. "Excuse me?" Yep, she repeated herself, followed by a "And by the way, you are BEAUTIFUL! You are really rocking that look." I smiled and teared up and thanked her. Off I went with my free Frappacino.

I'm not sure why her generous act, and more so her words, touched me so much. It's just that she was so genuine. I didn't feel like a charity case, more like God just wanted to encourage me and He used a Starbucks employee to do so.

It reminded me how powerful our words are and how stingy I am sometimes. So I encourage both you and myself to be generous with our words and compliments. It might really brighten some one's day.

Clean up in aisle 6

2011-06-26T14:00:00.002-04:00

The other day Turner said to me, "Hey mom, will you take me to the store and buy me some *Car Race* underwear?" (Car Race is what he calls the movie Cars.) "And can Olivia and Quinn stay home with daddy?" I'm pretty sure that is the first time, EVER, Turner has requested alone time with me.

Don't get me wrong, Turner and I have a special relationship. But this kid is one unique mix. He spends more time in time out than the other two. He has a fondness for the words poopy and stinky. He has more cuts and bruises and gashes and wounds than the other two combined. He loves to play sword fight and car crash and growl at girls. And then in the next breath he is no where to be found, vanished in his room, by himself playing trains. Looking for a little down time. He will sit for a long chunk of time looking at books. He requires many cuddles, snuggles and kisses from both mommy and daddy. He, in short, is a mystery!
So, when he asked the other day for a date just with me, I jumped right on it.

Friday afternoon, Turner and I hopped in the car. He didn't stop talking from the moment we got in the car until we pulled back in the garage. He was so cute. We stopped at Sam's Club first to grab a few things. He pointed things out and declared what he liked and didn't like. Asked if we could try different things and stayed real close to me the whole time (usually he likes to run the open aisles.)

Next stop, Target. He picked out his new underwear. He also spotted things he thought Quinn and Olivia would like and asked if we could buy stuff for them. He and I shared a pop corn and he was utterly delightful. I bought the three kids foam swords and when he asked if he could play with it the store and was told no he responded, "Okay, mommy." The big culmination of the date was 25 minutes of me sitting on an empty display and he on the floor of the toy aisle where he was delighted to play with Star Wars action figures and Transformers in the box. He interacted with other kids and my heart melted all over the floor.

We held hands on our way to the check out. He obeyed. He was adorable. He even tinkled standing up in the women's room. Perfect date from start to finish. Perhaps Turner was created to be an only child. And from time to time, he should get to be one!

It is finished

2011-06-20T15:43:00.004-04:00

Finished. Over. Finito. Don't let the door hit 'ya where the good Lord split 'ya. Round 6 is now officially in the record books. And I have to say, not a day too soon as far as I'm concerned.

Now, I'm not done with chemo, mind you. In fact, I have a full year to go. Have I mentioned that wee little detail? But as far as I'm concerned I could do this next chemo with one IV tied behind my back! It's one little drug that takes 1/2 hour to go in, I get my hair, my eyelashes, my energy and my appetite back. Four things I dearly love and have missed. I will have bloody boogers, which can come in handy as cool party tricks. Other than chemo once every three weeks, blood draws twice in there and a Dr's appointment as well (hey, wait a minute, they tricked me... I'm not done AT ALL!) I'm home free.

I took in some LuLee's Lollies to *share with the class* on my big day. They were a hit. But what was hilarious was that there were two other ladies finishing up chemo today too. And we all brought treats. I swear there were people from other parts of the hospital hitting up our party. We had fruit pizza, chocolate chip cookies, pretzels with rolos and fruit and dip. It was a true graduation party. I hugged nurses, high fived other patients, was a pain in the butt to the new lady who was starting, I'm sure. But it felt good. I get to go in three more times this week (2 days for shots and one day for a lab draw) and three times next week, on my *off week*. Once for a CT scan, once for a Dr.'s appointment and finally for another lab draw. So now that I'm *finished*, I get to go more than most patients. Glamorous, right?!

Please save the date of Saturday, July 9th. Don't you worry, it's not just the people in the chemo room who get to party it up. YOU DO TOO! We are throwing an "I survived 6" post chemo party from 2-5 at the park in my neighborhood. And if you've ever read this blog, said a prayer, gave ten cents, gave a rip, sent a card, sent a gift, or are breathing and just want to come, then you are invited. There will be cake and goodies and a park for your kids to play in. I sincerely hope we pack the park out and run out of cake and goodies because so many of you come. We want to thank you for the involvement you've had in our lives through this. I'll do another specific post on the party but I wanted to give you a heads up.

After this, I hope I can get back to blogging about stuff that is lighter, funnier and more whimsical (because, Oh my, don't those three words describe me to a T? Ha!) than my journey through cancer. But hey, it is what it is, right?

A rough on

2011-06-15T20:35:00.002-04:00

It's been a day. The day after Tuesday chemo is a doozie. I've mostly been in bed. Sleeping. Reading. I did do a load of laundry, washed it, folded it and put it away. That was my big endeavor. Not quite Pilates, was it?

I know each day will improve a bit. It helps to know this is the last one. But honestly, I feel like crap. A friend came over. I felt badly, I laid in bed because I was nauseous. Then for funzies, I threw up. One sight of the kids dinner and it was over.

To top a perfectly crappy day, I found out my dad had to go to the ER for a blood clot in his leg. That was several hours ago. I'm waiting for him to call. His health isn't great and he has not been feeling well for several weeks. Prayers for him would be appreciated.

Somehow, I'm going to trust the Lord with all of this. What else can I do? I think I'm finally getting it through my thick skull that worrying doesn't do me any good. I'm doing battle against the *what if's*. Because who the heck can grasp the plans of the Lord, right?

Please pray that tomorrow will be a touch better. No barfing would be nice, but grace in the moment if I do. This too shall pass. And then? We'll PARTY!

Cut me some slack, it's the middle of the night

2011-06-14T02:38:00.003-04:00

Well, it's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Maybe its because of my least favorite treatment in the morning (4 liters of fluid pumped into my belly... even though its the last one... I still hate the thoughts of it) maybe its the steroids yesterday, maybe it's the previews shown for next week's Bachelorette (looks like it's going to be a doozie) who knows. And who cares, insomnia is insomnia. I spent the past hour praying. There is so much to pray for. And I'm not talking about myself.

A friend I've met through cancer is having surgery in the morning. She has lung cancer and has had a weird node in her abdomen. They are going in in the morning to remove it. Pray that Sara Jane has a successful surgery, please.

My sweet friend, Aimee, lost her baby at 22 weeks in January. They have had trouble getting pregnant again. She is still reeling from her loss. Please pray for her.

My dad's health has not been good. Please pray for him.

My doctor's wife's mom just had her aortic valve replaced, please pray for Julie's mom.

Seriously, I could go on and on. (And I did for an hour in bed.) Sometimes I think Jesus lets us stay awake in the night so that we can get our minds off ourselves and pray for others. I suspect over the past several months He has done the same to some of you on my behalf and that is humbling!

Then I stumbled downstairs and thought I'd blog a bit. I turned on tv and found House Hunters on vacation. I LOVE House Hunters (HGTV). Thisnew show takes a family on vacation and gives them some crazy resorts to choose from. They choose one in the end. Now... I'm dreaming of the beach. Maybe I should have stuck to praying :) !

Anyhow... I know this is a bit of a random post. What can I say, it is 2:46 in the morning. But I know how it goes from here on out and you may not hear from me for the next few days. (Hmmm.. so this is what I leave you with. Sorry.) Happy Tuesday and don't forget Bath and Body Works is having their Semi-annual sale and you can score some SUPER cheap stuff right now. (*random*)

Please don't lose all respect for me

2011-06-13T19:55:00.004-04:00

I made it through day one of round 6. Thanks for all of your prayers. Two more drug days to go (next Monday is the last one.) I'm practically giddy. Maybe its the steroids?! Or maybe it's that the Bachelorette starts in 7 minutes. Its such a train wreck and I just can't look away. I got together with three girls last Monday and we took over Carrie's basement with an enormous tv. It was so much fun to yell at the guys. Gossip. Give our 2 cents. I didn't get home until midnight and nearly gave Steve a heart attack. I don't think I've been out that late in years. I literally felt care free that night. And it was all centered around trash. Two weeks ago I told Steve I thought I might stop watching because, honestly, this Bachelorette is dull. She is even a bit boring. But I've decided that this dumb show gives me something other than cancer to text my friends about. For nearly two hours there are several friends I'll shoot a text or if there is something TOTALLY absurd I'll even call during a commercial. It's so much fun. And so carefree.

Shoot, it's starting... gotta run...

Take two

2011-06-11T13:11:00.005-04:00

I spent about 20 minutes yesterday pouring out my heart in a post only to hit publish and lose it. Big bummer.

Basically, the gist of the post had to do with a really great appointment I had with my oncologist on Thursday. You would think that a great appointment would lead to a bubbly and excited post. But what I wanted to share was how my thinking is so messed up.
While in the chemo room there is lots of talk. Most of the talk is fine and encouraging but there are occasionally conversations that leave me freaked out.

Particularly the ones that have to do with stats and odds and how many long years certain people have been doing chemo. So one of the things during this appointment I wanted to clear up were some of the rumors I've heard that conflicted with what I remember the doctor telling me.
In a nutshell, he shared mostly what I already knew but with a few differing details. For instance, I was under the impression that 80% of the cases go on to cure. Actually, it's 80% go into remission and of those 80%, 25% will go into cure. (Remission means there are no visible signs of cancer. Cure is when you've been in remission for 5 or more years.) That really threw me for a loop.

But then, he went on to share his view of my case. And let me tell you something, women around the chemo room would kill to have the positive news that I had! He talked about the success of my surgery, the way my numbers came down so quickly with the chemo, and lots of other things. By the way, my cancer number is now down to 9... below double digits. (My personal goal! So stupid. Who has a personal goal for something they can't control? Me, that's who.) He said he felt really good about my case and feels very optimistic. He said he would say there is a 75% chance for me to hit cure.

I left his office feeling full of fear and doubt (stupid, right?) What has been so frustrating is that I just can't seem to turn my view of life from the *glass is half empty* to the *glass is half full*. While most people would have been all *Yippee, them are good odds!* I'm all, *I'll probably be in that 25% because life tends to crap on my (bald) head.*
And worst of all, I have already forgotten all that the Lord has done for me. Steve and I went home and prayed and after talking to a friend last night, I've been able to have a bit of a better perspective. Better yet, I've been reminded that it really doesn't matter what my *chances* are. I've got a God who is in control.

And just because He is in control it doesn't mean I'll automatically be in the 75%. It does mean that WHATEVER happens, it will be good.

I get pretty focused on living (which is a good thing) but then I cross over into obsessed. Meaning, I can't imagine not living. I plan, I control, I obsess, I fret, I worry, I make myself sick. I don't trust, I don't let go, I don't live like TODAY I am cancer free.

These sweet little faces are the ones I fear for the most. And when I do that, I once again forget that there is a God who loves them even more than me. If He chooses to put me in the 25%, it's HIS deal to manage the rest. Shoot, it's HIS deal either way.

Somehow, I've found comfort in this. I'm still praying to be part of the cure group. (And I'll ask you to do the same) but in the meantime, I need to find a way to live- and that means making peace with the fact that either group is fine by me! Those are my prayers as I enter into this final round of chemo on Monday. One more to go (and then I start a year of less intensive follow-up chemo... more on that later.). Can you believe we've made it this far? I can't! And it's largely due to your prayers. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And keep 'em coming!

From the I'm an Idiot files

2011-06-07T22:14:00.003-04:00

Well, I've been meaning to post for days, but I've been too busy gallivanting around the city to have time to blog. That's a good thing, I suppose. Friday was date night, Saturday we worked out and ended up at a local strawberry festival (where in the 90 degree heat and 110% humidity, we nearly lost a child who insisted on doing the bounce house and quickly over heated), Sunday was the first trip to the outdoor pool (along with everyone else in Dayton), Monday found me at my first Pilates class since January (my abs HATE me today) and in the evening was a pedicure with a good friend followed by the Bachelorette with some girls (I got home at midnight... can't even remember the last time I stayed out that late!) Finally, today, the park and a friend's backyard pool. Let's just say I *tend* to over do it on my good weeks. But soon, every week is going to be a good week, right?! Does that mean I'll finally just normal out or will it mean every week will be an over doing it week? Time will tell.

There are still a lot of fun and jam packed days to look forward to this week, but I have to say that Monday looms close in my mind. The final intensive treatment. I'm having a love/hate relationship with it. On the one hand I know I have to walk through it to get it behind me, on the other hand... I HATE the rough week. But shoot, it's the last rough week. So, I need to get all prayed up and ready. In the mean time... I've got some living to do. Feel free to pray as you like! (Perhaps along the lines that I quit being an idiot :)

My hero

2011-06-01T19:18:00.006-04:00

Round 5 is officially in the history books. Thank you, Jesus. It was a long, rough one, but guess what? There is only O.N.E. more to go.

Since this cancer ride began in January, there have been many blog posts . Some filled with fear, some filled with thanksgiving, some filled with dread, some filled with amazement. But it has occurred to me that there has been something lacking. And shame on me! So here is a post filled with admiration for my loving husband, with whom I would not have been able to make it through this thing.
When Steve and I got married 8 years ago, I remember telling him that I felt sorry for all the other girls out there because now they didn't have a shot with him. Off the market!
How in the WORLD did I end up with such an amazing man? God's grace, that's how! (And I'm not just sayin' all this 'cuz mama wants a new pair of shoes. It's all true.)
Steve is the BEST dad in the whole world. Patient, kind, attentive, interactive and fun. During our cancer journey, Steve has put his career on the back burner. He's still working, but he has been by my side at EVERY SINGLE CHEMO TREATMENT. I know that many jobs would not allow a husband to do so and that is not a poor reflection on them, it's just that our ministry happens to allow for it and he has chosen to do so. I needed him and he has been there.

He takes me back to the truth of God's Word, time and time again. When I find myself in the pit of despair, he doesn't try to fix me (usually). He listens, he prays and he crys when he needs to.

He has done tons of house work, trips to the park, trips to the grocery, fixing of dinner,loving a bald lady and complimenting me daily, and even cheering me on when I need to *pass gas* (romantic, right?)

Things like cancer could really rock a lot of marriages. We thank God that this has brought us closer and more in love than ever. I know he is tired and weary from the journey. We look forward to things getting back to *normal* (whatever that might be). But I couldn't let another day pass without publicly affirming my amazing husband. I thank God that he gave you to me!

*These amazing pictures were taken by my friends Amber Wing (Ciao Bella Photography) and Shannon Perlow (Locke Innovations) back in February right before chemo treatments began. I have had a hard time posting them until now (but with an end in sight and the hope of having hair once again, I've found it easier.) Both of these women are incredibly talented and we are indebted to them for their generosity of photographing our family!

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T10:55:00.004-04:00

It's been a weird weekend. I had a lot of anticipation for this weekend... Memorial Day, the *unofficial kickoff to summer*. Traditionally, I love it. Here in Ohio we tend to finally have good weather, the pools open, there are cookouts and parades and tons of fun stuff to do.

This year, chemo has clouded my holiday weekend. People told me that the cumulative effect of chemo would make it harder to bounce back. I have seen that become true, but not as I would have expected. It's become emotionally harder each time; wondering longer each time if I can make it.

And then on Friday it hit me, the realization that it was the one year anniversary that my mom was admitted to Hospice. She ended up staying there for the final two weeks of her life. The first week was nearly hopeful... perhaps she would thrive under the care and freedom of Hospice? Quickly, it became evident that she would not.

For me, the anticipation of hard things is typically harder and more emotional than the actual hard thing. For example, my mom died on June 11th, but I'm finding that the days leading up to June 11th (and re-living what those days were like last year) will probably be harder than when June 11th actually arrives. It's hard for me to know if my rough weekend was chemo induced (probably some) or grief induced.

Starting on Friday, after I identified that as being the one year Hospice anniversary (I drove there to spend the day with her, then drove back home and loaded the family up the next day to spend several days with her all together), I immediately became nauseous and started to have diarrhea. (Yep, too much info... sorry.) I threw up twice and was a physical mess. It could have been both things - the grief and the chemo-, but I'm pretty good at working myself up.

One thing that has bothered me is that it's only been a year and I can't clearly remember the events of last year. I had trouble coming up with when I went to see her and when I came back home to get my family. When my aunt and uncle arrived, what night we brought her dinner and she smiled at her favorite Indian food. Memories fading so quickly. Going back and forth between being so thankful that she didn't have to live through these past 5 1/2 months (my cancer would have killed her!) and being desperately sad that I can't call her up and get a pep talk on my rough days.

My grief process has basically taken a 4 1/2 month *break* as all I can do is deal with my cancer and not my emotions of having lost my best friend. The dam is high and it feels like it will break soon. I fear for my emotional stability. I was right about to start a grief share small group Bible study the week that I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Needless to say, that took a back seat. Now I am wondering what life would be like if I had been able to go and participate in releasing my grief. Now I also grieve a portion of my life lost to chemo therapy. I like to think I'm not a mopy grief stricken cancer patient, but some days I feel like that.

Thankfully, this blog helps me put some of my feelings into words. If for no one else, for me.

Today I woke up for the first time in a week feeling like *Okay, I can do this. I can do another treatment tomorrow and my final round in 2 weeks.* The chemo fog is lifting and hope is on the horizon. I know my mom would not want me to be sad about her, but she would also understand that I can't help it. She would cheer me on and party with me when it's all done. She would eat Indian food with me and buy me a cute new outfit. She would be so excited for the end of chemo! And so am I.

Now what?

2011-05-26T15:33:00.003-04:00

I've got 2/3 of round five behind me. As far as my *treasure hunt* goes, it's been a pretty good week. It helped that the American Idol finale was last night. Crazy storms swept through Dayton and happily for me, we were on the north side of the storms. We had a bit of rain and thunder but that was about it. Sadly, two of my fun friends who text with me through the show lost power. Can you even imagine? Hmph.

Back in January when the season started, I didn't know if I would be able to watch the season with out my mom. And then cancer struck. And then the judges disappointed me, as did all of the inappropriateness on the results nights. But I'm nothing if not faithful. And in the end, I have to say that I'm happy to call Scotty my new American Idol. I hope he has a better career than my past three Idols. In fact, I'm not sure we even heard from Lee this season on the show (can anyone confirm that for me?) It's weird how being the Idol doesn't mean much.

But I did appreciate how gracious of a winner he was last night. I hope *fame* doesn't turn his path. Time will tell.

I'm not much of a sport fan. But I think this is what it must feel like the Monday after the Super Bowl. Now what to do? What to watch? What to talk about? (Because a girl can not live on cancer posts alone!) I am ashamed to say I did tune in to the Bachelorette on Monday. I said I wouldn't. Ashley isn't too interesting to me, but some friends watch... so I will too. (Oh the peer pressure.) Last summer I got into Big Brother (can you even believe I admit to this trash?) Does anyone else have another show that I can get into? In summers past I've tried "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here" and "Japanese Game Show." So, as you can see, I'm willing to try anything. Except a dance show. I just can't seem to get into the dance shows.

I'm looking forward to Memorial Day weekend. Maybe a cookout? Maybe the outdoor pool? I love the *unofficial kickoff to summer.* Chemo is delayed until Tuesday because of the holiday. After Tuesday there's ONE MORE ROUND. Thanks for praying me to this end. It's so close I can almost taste it! One day at a time, kids, one day at a time.

Going on a treasure hunt

2011-05-25T10:38:00.003-04:00

Well, I had plans of uploading some pictures from last weekend. Olivia's field day, the date Steve and I went on, the new dress from Banana Republic I bought. It was a great weekend and I've erred too far on the side of words only on this blog. But once again, the queen of good intentions strikes again. I'll get around to those pics one of these days.

I wanted to post a quick one here to let you know that I made it through my next to last rough Tuesday. Tuesday is my killer chemo day. And I usually call this my *rough week.* I've been reading a cool devotional since November called Jesus Calling. On our way to chemo on Monday I read some verses about God placing hidden treasures in your life. I decided rather than focusing on the rough of this week, I'm going to look for the hidden treasures that the Lord places throughout the days. True, it's still rough. I had bad bloating last night and have been nauseous. But Grandma is here and the weather is beautiful. This is my next to last round of chemo. My numbers are great. My prognosis is excellent. They have decided to give me a certain shot after this round and the next that will boost my white blood cell count so I don't have to worry about that from here on out. (Apparently the shots will make my bones hurt, but that's part of the rough.)

This shift in thinking does not come naturally for me. As you know, I tend to focus on the negatives and what if's. But it is true that He has gems hidden in my day. Like a treasure hunt. I have to lift the stones and find them. I have to say, it's really helped my mind set. And I am thankful.

Rough is still rough. But a treasure hunt is more fun!

Round 5

2011-05-23T07:47:00.002-04:00

After having as near perfect of a weekend I could have, Monday has rolled around and here I go. My white blood cell counts came back good on Friday so (as far as I know) I'll be starting round 5 this morning. It's funny how not being able to have chemo when you're suppose to changes your perspective. I feel a bit like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. On the one hand, I couldn't be more thankful to get this round going. I'm not exactly excited, but I'm ready to get this show on the road. One step closer to being done with this intensive chemo. On the other hand... it's chemo. This is my *rough* week. But I'm believing God's grace is sufficient for my day, my week, this round. I'm thankful that last week's *bonus week* showed me that one day soon, this will be over and I'll be getting back to normal. I felt good and full of energy. I did lots of fun stuff and enjoyed the weather.

I'll post some pics from the weekend, hopefully soon. I just wanted to update you and let you know that I'm moving forward today. Thank you for your prayers. I know God's timing is perfect and I'm working on trying not to boss Him around and just be fine when His timing doesn't match mine. That, my friends, is a tough one!

Enough to drive a girl crazy

2011-05-19T19:06:00.003-04:00

It has been one crazy week. I pretty much cried myself to sleep Monday night. From the outside looking in you may not have been able to tell the difference between me and one of my three year olds. Let's just say I had a hard time letting go of June 13th as my end date (and by a hard time I mean I was in a funk until Tuesday night when I finally came to my senses and snapped out of it.) It raised several *issues* including missing my mom like crazy, being reminded that my life is totally out of my control and once again poked holes in my whole trusting God stuff. All in all, things that probably are good things to get exposed, but not pretty as they ooze out.

Once I finally put my big girl panties on, I scheduled some fun things into my week and moved on. Tomorrow night I'm doing dinner and a movie with some girl friends (after I attend Olivia's field day at school) and Saturday Steve and I are going to go on a special date.

During lunch today I glanced over at Turner and realized his eye was bloodshot and a little crusty. If you have kids, you KNOW a crusty eye is never a good thing. Especially when you've been instructed to *stay away from germs and sick people.* Yikers. So I called up the pediatrician's office and scheduled an appointment at a time that Steve could take him (since I could play the "I need to stay away from germs and sick people" card - and I can't think of a worse place to go than the pediatrician's office if you're holding that card.)

I figured I was being an over-reacting cancer patient with a needy immune system by sending my kid to the doctors with a blood shot eye. But then I got THE call. Yep, pink eye! With a side of strep throat for good measure. Oh dear Lord, do you really want to test my trust muscle or what?!? I immediately called my doctor's office and they put me on three days of antibiotics *just in case.* I guess that's good. At least it gives me peace of mind.

Sheesh. Once I get through chemo, they are going to need to book me a room at the funny farm. All this obsessing is turning me into a true nut job. Tomorrow morning I go early for a blood test that will hopefully show my immune system back on track. Please pray that chemo will go on as scheduled for Monday. Not to mention, I got a big weekend ahead of me- I can't be bothered being sick!

It finally happened

2011-05-16T14:16:00.002-04:00

I got to the chemo room this morning, they did a blood test... stat (that's hospital talk for fast). Hospital fast and my fast must be different. It took over an hour to find out that I couldn't get my treatment today. There were two numbers we were waiting on. One number was fine. The second needed to be at a 1, it was at a .99. Close but no cigar, or chemo as it were. And because I'm on the study, I can't get chemo until next Monday (they want to keep me on the Mon/Tues schedule.) So, I'll go back in for blood work on Friday. I'm assuming since I'm so close that it should be up by then. But I guess you never know.

I cried. I was disappointed. That pushes everything back by a week. My new ending date (hopefully) will be June 20th instead of June 13th. To you that may seem like no big deal, but to me, it's rather deflating.

Some good things about this... I get a bonus good week this round. I feel good in spite of a low immune system. Another good thing? My last rough week and the anniversary of my mom's death will no longer fall at the same time. Leaving me some emotional resources to deal. Thanks, God!

Honestly, I feel like a failure. I know that is not logical at all. There is nothing I could have done to change my situation. Yet, I feel like a failure. I'm young. I'm strong. I'm healthy. I should be able to do this. Dumb, I know!

Steve's mom was just about to be on the road from Cleveland to join us for the week. Thankfully, we called her right before she hit the road. But the kids are disappointed that Grandma's not coming today. The good thing is, she'll be here next week.

It's hard to be so out of control. I have been so looking forward to getting round 5 rough week in the rear view mirror. I know it will still happen. Just a week later. It's not the end of the world. I know God's plan has not been affected. But mine has; and that is hard.

So, I'll try to do my best and enjoy my week. Do some fun stuff and kick it in the butt next week. Pray for me to keep a good attitude and trust that the Lord was not surprised by this even though we were.

'Twas the night before Chemo

2011-05-15T16:13:00.002-04:00

I was going to attempt to change the words to the whole poem and then I thought better. Let's face it, I'm just not that creative. Nor do I want to spend precious time on my Sunday before Chemo wasting brain cells. But it would have been a good idea, maybe some other time.

This weekend has been fabulous. And sometimes a fabulous weekend right before my tough week can be counter productive. You know, the kind of thing where life has finally gotten back into the normal groove, I'm feeling good, having fun and then BAM, here we go again.

But I've been thankful for some really great prayer times and and some great verses from the Bible; reminding me that God goes with me every step of the way this week. Because, remember, there is still a chance that I could walk into the chemo room tomorrow and they send me right back home because my immunity is low. But I've come to grips with the fact that God is controlling the timing of this thing. I will be thankful, either way. (However, I'm still trusting that He is booting my counts as we speak.)

I've also gotten pretty excited about thinking that after this round there is only ONE MORE rough week. Only one more treatment of each day. In four weeks, all the rough parts will be history. I'll tell you what, there's going to be a party around here... that's for sure!

One of my sweet nurses, Amy, is getting married June 9th in Florida. She will be gone for all of my last treatment. I found out where she is registered and went out and bought her a wedding gift. I'm excited to surprise her tomorrow. I got her a card and as I was writing her a note, thanking her for the amazing and tender care she's given me, I started to cry. It's weird how attached I've gotten to these people. Now, I don't have to get THAT sad, since I'll be seeing them once every three weeks for the next year for my follow up treatment, but still. As this big part wraps up and I think about the basket case that I started out as and where I sit today, I'm so thankful for where the Lord has brought me. I know this thing is not over (in reality, I still have one more round after this, even though I keep telling myself this is my last one that *counts*) I have begun to see the very bright light at the end of the tunnel.

With that being said, prayers for this week are greatly appreciated! First, that I would be able to go ahead with chemo this round as scheduled (next round too for that matter). Also, that when the chemo funk hits, I would be able to run to God for the strength and courage to make it through. And of course, as always, that the cancer is gone... forever!

Thanks friends. You are greatly appreciated, see you on the *other side*.

For what it's worth

2011-05-14T12:10:00.003-04:00

As promised, here are my thoughts on American Idol. Hmm, where do I begin? I have to say, this season has not been my favorite. It's not really because of the new judges, although I desperately miss Simon. Although he was a bit too tough on contestants at times, overall I generally agreed with and appreciated his honest assessment of the contestants. I thought he was funny and added an edge to the show that I feel the audience came to expect. Every show has to have someone you love to hate. Or love to love.. whatever the case may be. I think his presence and his opinion were actually good for the kids on stage, it toughened them up. (But then again, what do I know? I've never been on stage a day in my life.)

This season, Randy has come the closest to being tough, and that is nearly a joke. In fact this week he spoke some truth to Haley and the crowd booed (I'm okay with that) but Haley sassed back! What the??? Since when do contestants sass back to constructive criticism? Especially when your performance was NOT GOOD? Oh my, Simon would have never taken it.

That is my 2 cents on the judges. Toughen up Stephen, Jennifer and Randy, that's what we pay you for!

Here is my big rant... I have an issue with the Thursday night results show. Generally, I'm not one to get too bunged up about stuff on tv. If it doesn't mesh with my values, I don't watch. We didn't have cable for our whole marriage (until cancer hit) because I don't like a lot of what it has to offer and it's been my choice to not pay for smut. But American Idol touts itself as a family show. Lots of pre-teens in the audience and now they let 15 year olds try out. I like that it's been a show that my friends with older kids could watch together. But hello results show, you are no longer family friendly.

Stephen Tyler is a loose canon. There are so many bleep outs, I'd be really disappointed if I was a parent with a young child in the live audience.

The musical guests and music videos they show are just not always appropriate. Lady Gaga? What were they thinking? J Lo has had two videos where she was practically naked. And did you see the Stephen Tyler video this week? The two girls who were the *love interests* in the video were younger than his two daughters. Nasty. And he did a pat-a-cake thing on the one girl's butt. So inappropriate. I don't really consider myself a prude, but I do think if they want to continue to market to a family crowd, they'd better clean it up.

Not to mention the 16 year old female contestants in their low cut tops and high cut skirts and crazy make-up. I fear for the pressure Olivia will feel when she gets that age to not dress and look her age. If those are the role models, whoah buddy. Rant over.

With all that said, every other season that I have watched the show I have had an early favorite. This year, not so much. I liked Paul. He was voted off early. I was sad but not devastated (I figured he wouldn't make it too far.) Then I was liking Casey. He was weird but good. He too was voted off early. Now we are down to the bottom three. Haley, the sassy pants, should NOT be the idol. At this point, if I were voting (which I'm not, so I might as well shut my face) Scotty, the sweet little 17 year old county singer, would have my vote. I like him. I like his voice. I like what he stands for. I might move South just because of him (oh, and the weather).

Really, this season, I'm just kind of, meh, whatever. That makes me sad.

Good thing there's always next year.

Grab a beverage and settle in... it's a long one!

2011-05-13T15:31:00.003-04:00

This whole not having a computer thing is throwing me off my bloggy game. Sorry about that. So much has happened that I'm not sure where to even begin the update. Brief (or not so brief) overview: Mother's Day around here was great. We decided to spend our gorgeous spring day (temp in the 70's with a partly cloudy day) at the Cincinnati Zoo. It was perfect. Although, I did forget how tiring the zoo is. We spent about three and a half hours there and saw just about everything, which included a lot of lifting little kids so they could get a good look. On the drive home I realized my body was screaming at me. At times I forget that I'm not 100% yet operate like I am. And then I took a pain pill.

The visit to my dad's was great. We had a wonderful over night. I even had the best sleep I've had in months. I kind of wonder if it was also a bit of a *vacation from my problems* (bonus points if you can name that movie!).

This week we were right back at 'em. Even though it was my "week off" I was over at the hospital twice. Tuesday was a CT scan and Thursday was blood work and a visit with the doctor. I found Wednesday night I got a little cranky as the results of the CT scan loomed ahead of me. Thankfully, I found out that my *cancer numbers* have fallen once again. From 15 to 12 this time. And the CT scan was all clear. Lots to be thankful for.

As is the weather this week. Oh, I hope that you have had the same weather we have had. We've busted out the shorts and flip flops and have spent HOURS outside. It's been such a gift on my *good week.*

Last night I got a call from the Dr's office telling me that my white blood cell count is low and this means that my immunity is low. I will need to stear clear of sick people (good luck when you live with three snotty nosed little kids) and crowds. We also need to see the numbers rise in order for me to be able to receive treatment on Monday. They don't want me taking any chances getting sick. That put a damper on my Zumba plans for the morning, which put me in a bit of a funk.

I was able to pull out my Bible and read some verses about trusting God. I had lost sight of the big picture. His plans vs. my plans. His healing vs. my controlling. His sovereignty vs. my worry. It was very helpful. I'm still a bit dreading round 5 on Monday, but with the threat of not being able to carry on as planned, I find myself asking God to allow me to be able to press on. A good perspective changer, I guess.

So... thanks for hanging in there with me for this super long post. I'm thinking about giving my American Idol two cents tomorrow. I actually have about a dime's worth after this week. Tune in and find out! And feel free to throw up a prayer or two on behalf of my stingy immune system.

Step by Step

2011-05-05T12:20:00.003-04:00

If you've wondered what it looks like to get chemo... here's a picture for you. They try and make it as comfortable as they can. Pillows, warm blankets, tv's etc. Smoke and mirrors my friends, smoke and mirrors.

Truth be told, the getting of the chemo isn't all that bad (except the days I get it in my abdomen... that isn't my favorite.) It's the days following. The emotional state has been much more grueling than the physical state. I had no idea. And this week (as I ended my fourth round) I have really struggled emotionally.

First, our computer bit the dust (that is why it's taken me so long to do a post... I'm using Steve's work computer.) That has been a big bummer. Blogging really helps me get my thoughts and feelings out and without my blogging release, I find I've got some things bottled up.

With Mother's Day coming up soon, I've been a little sad as I re-live last Mother's Day. It was the last real visit I had with my mom. We had a great time, went out for a drive and for ice cream and laughed a lot. The following Tuesday she went to the hospital and never came back home.

Since starting chemo, I've mostly been relieved that she was not here to worry and fret about my situation. I've been so focused on my own stuff that I just haven't *gone there* about my mom's death too often. But I feel like in the face of these next few weeks that lead up to the anniversary of her death, June 11th, I can't help but feel deeply about the passing of my mom. I miss her so much and when I'm swimming in the raw emotion and fear of the last two chemo treatments (that seem utterly overwhelming and not do-able), I wish she were here to process with, cheer me on and snuggle me. The anniversary of her death will coincide with my final *rough week* of treatment and I fear I won't have the emotional resources to deal with all of it.

We celebrated 8 years of marriage on Tuesday, May 3rd. As we did, it was good to reflect on some fun memories. It was also good to process on the past year of our marriage, and what could have sunk many couples, has brought us closer together and strengthened our bond.

But it also made me sad. Sad that as we went out for a celebratory dinner, I have no hair (I did wear a scarf to dinner, but Steve wanted a picture of the two of us, me w/ no scarf, to document this point in our journey.) Honestly, up until now, having no hair has not really bothered me. But this week, even baldness caught up with me.

I feel like a weary traveller. I hate to complain. There are so many others who do not have the great prognosis that I have. Or they have a disease that has no cure. I have much to be thankful for, and I am. It's just that I've reached this part of the race where I fear I can't take one more step. The finish line is in sight but I'm losing momentum. I know, in actuality, I can make it. It is one foot in front of the other, right? But my feet are cramping up. I want to lay down and quit. And the reality is, I still have nearly a year of chemo to follow. This race, the really hard and brutal part is nearly over, but the full race continues. As does the faith journey. It's 5 years out until I'm considered cured. Can I REALLY trust for that long? I guess I don't have another choice.

Forgive me, friends, if I am a whiner today. I just needed to get it out so that I can take that next step. Pray that I will!

Thank you, Kate & Will

2011-04-30T13:01:00.003-04:00

I'm in a bit of a post chemo funk today and have been low on energy most of the week. I usually snap out around today and I guess each round I forget how long it takes. I always think by today I'm back at it. Selective memory, I guess.

One thing going for me this week was the Royal Wedding. Honestly, I didn't think I'd get too into it. I do remember getting up practically in the middle of the night 30 years ago to watch Diana and Charles get married, but NO WAY was I doing that this time around. Thankfully, we have cable and I was able to catch everything in it's entirety at a human hour yesterday. I was fully mesmerized.

The dress, the uniforms, the hats, the crazies, the romance, cutie patootie Prince Harry, the Beckhams. (I'd elaborate more on the awesomeness of David Beckham, but Steve does read the blog and I'm afraid I'll get in trouble.) All of it. Many times on my *rough week*, Friday is the worst. It feels like I should be snapping out of it and I'm not and it can be a really long day. But thanks to all the coverage and follow up shows etc. I was entertained for the whole day. Mmm... dreamy.

One thing that helped this week was a little pre-planning. Last round when my aunt was in town from Arizona, I realized it really helped to have someone around in the evenings to talk to, share the load with and just get my mind off of how long the days are. So, this round, I enlisted some of my best friends to come and sit with me on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evening. It was really great. Good friends who don't need to be entertained or apologized to. Ones who pitch in and do what you need. Ones you know would do anything for you. I think I'm on to something here for the final push.

Speaking of the final push, this is a day where I'm feeling like I just don't know if I'm going to make it through 2 more rounds. This chemo comes with some depression and it can wreak havoc on my mind and emotions. I know the thoughts aren't true and you don't need to worry about me. But thoughts of *I can't do one more round* or *what if this doesn't work" creep in. Prayers would be appreciated. I know that this too shall pass. In a week from now I'll be flitting around like old times, but today is hard.

Now if only I could get my hands on a piece of that wedding cake, uh, yum!

Never a dull moment

2011-04-25T22:00:00.003-04:00

Steve and I rolled into the chemo room and ran into a little snag this morning. My nurse, Gretchen, who is the cutest little thing, told me I needed to have some labs drawn to make sure my white blood cell count was back up since it was down last week. Um... hello, news to me. She said it like I already knew this (apparently someone was suppose to call me on that one.) But I am SO THANKFUL that no one did. Had I known, I would have spent the weekend worrying, avoiding crowds and worrying some more. All for something that is out of my control.

They drew my blood and we were delayed about 45 minutes until we found out that my numbers were back up and we were a go. Several things about that situation...

First, I didn't freak out. No panic attacks. No what ifs. I actually rolled with the punches. That folks, is Growth, with a capital G! I am thankful. I even sat there and read a book.

Second, I've never been so thankful to get chemo. What? Yep, when there is a threat of delay, all you want is chemo. Hello, weirdo.

One funny chemo room story (you didn't know they existed, did you?) There is an older couple who happen to be there pretty much every day we are there. Because today's chemo goes into my chest port AND I get Benedryl (which now makes me sleepy since I've stopped fighting it) tends to be a bit less of a *walking * day. Tomorrow... I walk... today I relaxed. Well, the sweet husband pulled Gretchen aside and asked her, "Isn't that the lady who walks?" Gretchen said yes and he asked, "Is she alright? She's not walking today." She laughed and told him today is a Benedryl day. That's pretty much all you need to say to someone around there and they get it! (As his wife was snoring away.) I knew it was a matter of time before I became known as *the lady who walks.* I guess I'd rather be known for that than as the lady who snores!

Tomorrow is an abdominal day, so please pray for a thankful heart and endurance. God's using it to blast the cancer so there is LOTS to be thankful for. It's also the yucky drug day, so if you don't hear from me for a few days, trust me, I'll be back. I just may need to get past the chemo funk. Thanks for praying.

Easter Weekend

2011-04-24T21:07:00.005-04:00

What a weekend!

We've really had some fun the past few days and I'm sad to see it end. The kids are at such a fun age for so many things (and at the age that can frustrate me to no end.) But the past several days have been pure family fun.

Saturday we went to the Y, colored eggs and went to church.
It has rained cats and dogs for pretty much a month now, but it has rained so much the past three days, there have been flash flood warnings all over town.

We woke up this morning to the Easter bunny having hid some eggs and filling our family basket with candy and toys.

After a leisurely morning we went to Mimi's Cafe for lunch. We were suppose to meet our friends Matt and Sally and their kids for lunch, but Sally woke up with a sore throat and they couldn't make it. Boo.

Call me lazy, but I decided I didn't want to cook a big holiday meal the day before another round of chemo. So I let Mimi do it for me.

I just love Easter weekend. I love the focus of what Jesus did for me on the cross. Although, I have to say, since January, there's been a lot of focus of that in my life. And for that, I am thankful for cancer. In some ways, Easter was just a continuation of what I've been experiencing. OBVIOUSLY I don't have that down... but things have come into focus. (unlike this picture.)

Steve and I sat down and prayed together tonight after the kids went to bed. I realized that I don't have the panic that I usually have on a Sunday before my rough week. I'm not looking forward to it, but I am experiencing God's peace. I have hope. I have joy.

What I don't have is much hair left. I thought I'd leave you with an Easter present and give you a glimpse of what I look like under that scarf.

Prayers would be appreciated. Pray that God would continue to kick cancer's butt through round 4 of chemo. Pray for minimal nausea and little fatigue. Pray that my depression that seems to accompany chemo would lift quickly. It is good to know that I have friends praying in my corner.

Give it a squeeze

2011-04-22T20:30:00.005-04:00

I feel like I really squeezed the life out of this week. It's been fabulous. Tuesday night, Steve and I and our friends, Ed and Amy, headed to a town about 45 minutes away for the Crystal Bowersox concert.
I have to admit, when Steve told me he got tickets a month or so ago, I got nervous. Mostly because of the *what ifs* I'm now famous for. What if I get a migraine? What if I get tired? What if I don't feel good that night? Blah Blah Blah.

I'm really glad I didn't let the what ifs stop me. Because our night ended up being so much more fun than I expected. Lot's of laughs with Ed and Amy, great seats and a really good show from Crystal. The crowd was a *wee bit* older than I would have guessed (other than a hand full of teen aged girls, our foursome was the youngest group by far; weird, huh?)

Ed and Amy are our American Idol buddies. They may disown me for letting you know this, but they are our friends who have attended the actual American Idol concert with us (in which case we were the only ones NOT chaperoning a group of 12 year old girls). They also are our Diana Krall concert escorts.

I guess you could say concerts are our specialty. They are also some of our best friends. The kind that you just do life with. And being out with them this week did just that. When we left, I felt exhilarated. Not just because of the good music, but because this felt "normal" and good.

Why Ed and Steve were basically wearing the same shirt, we have no idea. But it was rather funny. At least no one else in our group was wearing a scarf; although it appears Ed and I now go to the same barber!

The rest of the week has been equally as life giving. This morning I went to my first Zumba class since surgery. I was a little nervous and wasn't sure I'd be up for it. Let me tell you, I LOVED every minute of it! I may have over done it for the first few songs and decided to pace myself a bit better for the rest of class, but I made it through the whole hour and am contemplating going back tomorrow morning. Because, friends, Monday is coming!

This afternoon Steve and I took the kids to see Rio. It's the first time all five of us have been to the movie theatre together. And the first movie I've been to since my surgery. It was a blast. The kids enjoyed it and we enjoyed watching them enjoy it.

Even though Monday is coming, I'm hoping to tuck some of the joy of this week away and pull it out in the middle of my rough week. If nothing else, as a reminder, that life WILL get back to normal. I just have to endure the pain to get to the good stuff. And when I can't do it, Jesus will do it for me! Have a great Easter weekend.

My precious

2011-04-19T14:26:00.003-04:00

I got good news again today. I talked with my doctor's office and found out that those *cancer* numbers have gone down from 24 to 15. I'm not sure how low to expect them to go or how much they fluctuate or if just being below the normal number is good enough. I have an appointment on Thursday and will have some questions to ask. But to know that the chemo is still working and bringing the numbers down helps me gear up for round 4, which we all know from yesterday's post, means I'm *almost done* :)

In other good news, I found my engagement ring. Yep, you didn't even know I lost it, did ya? Which is surprising, because I'm pretty sure you could've heard the screams all the way from where you are. Well, yesterday afternoon on our way to swim lessons, I looked down and realized my diamond ring was gone. I had this crazy sinking feeling. Kind of like the feeling you get when they tell you you have cancer, but maybe not quite so bad. I had done a million things yesterday and figured it was a total goner. Because, really, how in the WORLD would I ever find it? Steve and I looked in every obvious place in the house and car and in between. But the fact is, I was at the mall yesterday morning and it could literally be ANYWHERE. To say I woke up A LOT in the middle of the night last night thinking about where it could be would not be an exaggeration.

On a whim this afternoon I realized one of the things I had done yesterday was sort through some of the boys' old clothes to give away to some friends. I put one pile in a box to go to one friend and the other pile in a bag for another. I tore through the box this morning but ran out of time before we headed out to the Y. When I got back this afternoon and finished reading to the kids before their rest time, I remembered I needed to look through that bag still. And there, at the very bottom of a Baby Gap bag, was my ring.

Seriously, between finding my ring and falling cancer numbers, this may as well have been Christmas morning! All that and did I mention we are going to the Crystal Bowersox concert tonight? You know I'm a huge American Idol fan and last year my mom and I had a hard time deciding if we should vote for Lee or Crystal. Crystal being from Toledo was a favorite of ours for sure. So when Steve heard she was coming near us, he got four tickets (hoping I could find three other girls to go with.) Unfortunately, I couldn't. So he, my friend and the other husband are being dragged along. But I think it will be fun. And normal. I'll let you know how it goes. But I think I might leave my ring at home.

You never knew I was a gymnast

2011-04-18T13:32:00.005-04:00

It's spring break at my house. Although all that really spells for me is more work. Thank goodness for the nanny! Because spring break lands on my *good week* I have more energy and am actually looking forward to squeezing as much as I can out of this week before I head into round 4 next Monday. Speaking of round four, I thought I'd let you in to my psycho little world of mental gymnastics and how I've managed to come up with a formula to make it through the home stretch of chemo. I'm actually a little embarrassed to say that this works for me and if you find some holes to punch in my little scheme, please don't tell me... this is what it keeping me sane until June 13th (the date, that if all continues to go as planned and my immune system holds up, of my final *big* treatment.) Here it goes: So, I have three treatments left. Of those treatments only two more *count* (because I don't really count the last one since... it's the last one. Even if it's really rough, in some ways who cares, 'cuz it's the last one.) So, that means there are really only two left. And since I'm almost to the next one, and that will be done and gone before you know it, I really only have one left. Make sense? Not to mention, I have been blessed that out of my three week cycle, I really only have one rough week. I've been saying I have one *good week* but really, I've ended up each round so far with two actual good weeks because the second Monday of chemo hasn't been too bad. So, if I only end up with one bad week every cycle, then I only have 3 rough weeks out of 11. That's not too bad. I can DO this! I know that all might sound crazy, but let me tell you, it helps a girl out. And at this point, I take what I can get. I have noticed a distinct shift in my thinking. Like even acknowledging that I actually have 2 good weeks. This is the first round I didn't sit around that second week waiting for something bad to happen. Instead, I took life head on and lived it. Now, I've ended up with two very full and fun weeks. I also have begun to embrace the fact that *I don't have cancer.* Since my numbers are back down to NORMAL, I've tried to stop acting like I'm sick. Sure, I might have a slow week because of the chemo in my body, but it's not because of cancer. Thank you, Jesus! Friday I had to go for blood work. I pulled into the hospital parking lot and for the first time didn't want to throw up. I even had the thought, "This is the place I come to to get healed, it's not a place to dread." Let me tell you, that was a thought from God, not my own self. And it felt like freedom. So, there you have it. A peak into my crazy head. Please pray for my immune system to stay strong so that my chemo plan will stay on track and therefore my mental plan to stay on track too. Also pray that this spring break week/Easter week would be a great one for my family.

Soaking it up

2011-04-14T21:17:00.005-04:00

I'm taking a cancer break today. No health updates. No deep thoughts or insights into what I've been learning. Today was a 100% *normal* day. Which is why I've included this slightly un-nerving picture of my boys looking all too comfortable holding guns at a restaurant arcade the other day. It made me laugh. Perhaps it should have made me nervous. Whatever. Today was a great day. The weather was in the mid 60's, the sun was shining, I felt great and accomplished much.

Including multiple grocery runs (once upon a time that would have sent me grumbling... now it makes me thankful to be able to do that for myself), lunch with a good friend at an adorable local restaurant called Butter Cafe... need I say more?

Then it was off to the park with the fam. Usually I would stay home and leave park duty to daddy, but these days the park is refreshing. Especially when your kid looks like this adorable wearing his bike helmet!

We eventually had to leave because Turner was "too sweaty", I guess that's what happens when your mom still has you wearing long sleeve shirts and sweat pants because she has not dug the shorts and t shirts out yet. Oops.

Then it was off on a date with Steve. We did a bit of shopping (I'm in desperate need of some clothes that fit now that the weather is getting warmer) and some long over due Indian food.

Pretty much for just about every date over the last 5 years, we've gone out for Indian food on our dates. Since my surgery in January, spicy food hasn't exactly *agreed* with me. And I'm pretty much of the opinion that it is sacrilegious to order non-spicy Indian food. But tonight common sense won out and we decided to venture back to our favorite Indian spot. I embarrassingly ordered my favorite dish in a mild, but was glad to be back.

All in all, it was a great day to embrace life and relish the fact that, today, I feel good! I hope you did the same.

The tides are turning

2011-04-12T20:51:00.002-04:00

I'm officially half way done. Yesterday went well. Today I feel great. In fact, I got up and went to the Y and did some walking on the treadmill. I went to dinner with some girls tonight. The past two rounds I've kind of sat around this week afraid that side effects would come and that I would be in the middle of something and feel bad. So, I didn't do much. But this round I decided to trust the Lord. In the back of my mind it was a little scary to move forward in faith, but I decided it's worse to wait around for nothing to happen. Today... I embraced life. I was in the shower and for the first time I actually had an optimistic thought. It went something like this, "Ok. I'm half way through. I typically have had one rough week. That means I have three rough weeks left. I have 11 weeks and three will be rough. I can do this!" I can't tell you what a victory that was. The little evil voice in my mind wanted to creep in with things like, "Yeah, but maybe it will get harder and it will be more than three weeks." Or "Yeah, but the rough is pretty rough." But my new optimistic self said, "Shut up. The good weeks are really good. And really there are only TWO rough weeks left, because the third is the last... we can deal with bad when it's the last." So, I do believe I am being changed. I am being thankful. I woke up at 4:45 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour because I was thanking God for all that He has done. Finally, when I had poured my heart out, I fell back asleep. Umm... let's just say... that beats the heck out of waking up and not sleeping because of worry, fear and panic. I'd say your prayers are working. Not just for my health, but for my mind as well. Keep 'em coming, because I'm not done yet. But I sure am thankful to be where I am. God is so faithful.

Hating goodbye

2011-04-10T16:58:00.003-04:00

Here I am. It's been a few days for several reasons. Not the least of which is that I was thoroughly enjoying my Aunt Sherry's visit. We dropped her off at the airport this morning and I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few tears shed. Since my mom has been gone, there has been an obvious hole in my life. My aunt has stepped in and although she and I both know the hole will never be filled (nor should it be) her involvement in my life has been essential. For both of us. This week solidified that. There were times this week that, when I closed my eyes, I could hear my mom's voice. A hug felt like her. A play time with my kids felt eerily the same. And I'm pretty sure Jesus arranged this visit to soothe an aching place in my heart. So as I put her on a plane this morning, I immediately panicked. The distraction this week was so sweet. And although the week was typically rough, having her around made it so much more tolerable. Now, I look ahead to this week. Tomorrow, the third day of my third round of chemo. Tomorrow marks the half way point. The panic came when I realized I'm back to *normal.* For pretty much this whole time I've marked chemo by when my aunt would be with me. I guess I didn't realize how hard it is to not have family around. Don't get me wrong, friends have been stepping in as only family would. Steve's parents re-arranged their spring trip south around my chemo. It's been fantastic. But there is something different about YOUR own family. The good news is that Aunt Sherry and Uncle Tom are headed east from Arizona at the end of May. They will be driving through. I will see her one more time before this thing wraps up. And I know God will provide other *distractions*. He will deliver just what I need, just when I need it. But it's that whole walk of faith thing that I'm just having a hard time with. I'd rather know what He's planning and when it's arriving. Pray for me. I've had diarrhea all day as I've felt sad about saying goodbye, wondering how in the WORLD I'm going to make it through three more treatments and looking ahead to my week. I'm overwhelmed. Which, in God's economy, is a good place to be. In my economy, it stinks. Pray for tomorrow to be as least uncomfortable as it can be (it's an abdominal chemo day), that this diarrhea stops and that I'll trust the Lord to provide what I need, when I need it. Oh, yeah, and that this chemo kills that stupid cancer once and for all!

Run for cover

2011-04-04T20:02:00.003-04:00

What a day. My aunt, my mom's sister, arrived yesterday afternoon. We got dinner and headed home to put the kids to bed. We chatted for a few hours and hit the hay so we could leave bright and early for day one of round three. This morning I experienced minimal anxiety, thank you, Lord. Before they give me the actual chemo they give me this crazy cocktail of other *pre-meds*. One of which is Benadryl. Because they do it through the IV, it hits like a ton of bricks. It is the craziest rush. Ever. I'm pretty sure a hit of this would go for a high price on the streets. As for me... I pretty much hate it. (Figures. Why can't I be a normal person?) It feels so out of control. Have I mentioned before that I hate being out of control? Oh, once or twice? Right. I usually panic for a few minutes before the rush turns into more of this nice calm and I can kind of relax. But those first 10 minutes are a doozy. I have to say having Sherry there this morning really helped. Once I was in the more relaxed state, Steve, Sherry and I laughed. And talked. And laughed. In fact, we were kind of the rowdie corner. I kind of felt bad for the other people. But I kind of like to think we were fun to be around. (Do I now need to repent of pride? oops) While there, a CRAZY storm moved through. It may have been the blackest I've ever seen the sky. I'm not going to lie, it's not the most comforting thing when the doctor passes through and mentions out loud the word tornado. Great bedside manner, doc as I'm tied up with a bit of poison in my veins. Today was my *easy* day. If all three days were like today, I wouldn't mind chemo at all. Or maybe just a little. Tomorrow is my belly port day. I'm hoping we can keep on laughing and that I'll have a good attitude. Also praying that with my aunt around, the fatigue days will be less worrisome as there are an extra set of hands to help. I'm so thankful for her to make the long trip from Arizona. She is such a blessing. Most of all, I'm thankful to God, knowing He's using this chemo to blast that stupid cancer. If you don't hear from me for the next few days, know I'm here but sometimes don't have the umph to post. Pray that I'll have a thankful heart in the midst. I really do feel thankful. Almost half way there. I'm really thankful for that!

Defeating defeat

2011-04-02T13:52:00.004-04:00

The past two days have been pretty good. I'm still flying pretty high from the good news on Thursday. I've been feeling great and doing my normal routine. That always feels good. But now it's Saturday and Monday looms near. I'm trying real hard to focus on today and let Monday be Monday. But it's hard. Here's a weird thing. Over the past 8 weeks or so I've suffered from a high number of migraines. I've had migraines on and off over the past 15 years. But it would be like two or three a year. I'll admit, I used to think migraines were for lazy people who just wanted to go lay down. And then I got one. I changed my tune real quick. Mine start with weird spotty vision. Then my face or hands go numb. And then I have this strange memory loss. I can't complete a sentence and I forget words. The first time all of this happened I thought I was having a stroke. In the *old days* all of that would be followed by a crazy bad headache. The past several weeks (perhaps this is God's mercy on my life) I have not had the crazy bad headache. It just seems to resolve itself. But all the other symptoms are odd and distracting enough (not to mention the fear that the blinding headache is coming) to put me out for a few hours. I had one last night when we were out with some friends. So today I've had to battle worrying about *what if* I get another one. I'm praying that I stop from going down the crazy road of "What if I have these weekly for the rest of my life?" or "What if they get worse?" You see, it's always something with me. Steve asked me a good question. He said, "Well, what if you do get one?" Umm... it stinks. But I guess its not the end of the world. He's right. I need to stop worrying about all the ailments that may be around the corner and do this minute when I feel good. Please pray for me. I'm already projecting into the week. The fatigue, the nausea, the depression. But it's not here TODAY. Plus, my Aunt Sherry is coming tomorrow from Arizona to be with us for the week. It is a bright spot in my week. An extra set of hands. Someone just to be with me. It is something to be thankful for and to look forward to. Not to mention the good news that God is choosing to use chemo to eliminate cancer from my body. Lots and Lots to be thankful for. Pray that I will look to those things and not already be defeated before I even begin. I swear, one of these days I'm gonna get it! Why is it not that easy???

Peace

2011-03-31T15:43:00.003-04:00

I just couldn't wait to share my news. Today was my post round two Dr. appointment. And at about 4 pm yesterday the fear and panic set in. Which was really a bummer because I had been doing great with my mind all week. Not to mention I felt great physically. Then at 4 I realized I had not received at phone call like I did last round. They called me with my good numbers last time. And when they didn't this time I IMMEDIATELY went to crazy places in my mind. Crazy as in, "I'm pretty sure there is bad news and they want the doctor to deliver it himself, in person." And then it started, I could feel the tumors in my lungs that they surely found in the CT scan last Friday (even though only hours before I found myself thinking, "Gosh, I feel cancer-free!") I was so fearful last night I could barely enjoy American Idol. So I was a bit of a mess this morning when I was at the Y on the treadmill. Thankfully I ran into two different friends whom I was able to vent to. Steve was able to come with me to the appointment. Thankfully. I also had to get labs drawn. The lady who took my blood commented on my shaking hands. I had to tell her no offense but pretty much that office does that too me. (That and the fact that I just knew I was about to be told things were not looking good.) The nurse took my blood pressure and it was a *wee bit* high. Finally, the nurse went through all the routine questions and then she told me that my number that was at 55 last time was down to 24 this time. WAIT A MINUTE! That sounds like GOOD news. Yep, CT scan came back good too. So by the time the Dr. came in Steve and I were pretty relieved. We had a bunch of questions but here is the nutshell of what we found out: That number that is now down to 24 has to be at 35 or below to be considered NORMAL. Hey, guess what? I'm NORMAL. Yippee. He also said that when the numbers hit normal or below before the third round they find the best chances for cure. God has allowed my body to respond incredibly well. Thank you, Lord! They also think that my numbers may hit below 5 after this next round. So, as long as my numbers stay below 35 and my CT scans are clear... at the end of the six rounds- and boo, I do need to finish the rest of my rounds- I will be considered in remission. And remission over time is what turns into cured. (5 years) There are still many prayer requests... like that my body will hold up during the next 4 rounds of chemo and that my numbers will stay down and my scans stay clear... forever... and that I would put on some weight and that my mind would stop jumping to crazy conclusions, but for today I'm going to THANK JESUS. I'm still not looking forward to Monday where we do this thing again, but at least now I can say, "Ok, Monday, let's get this thing over with!" Thanks for your prayers. Keep 'em coming. But I really am thankful to share good news with you faithful friends.

A bald head must be easy to spot

2011-03-30T12:51:00.003-04:00

So, I was at the Y yesterday morning walking on the tread mill. (As my spinning class was sweating their butts off down the hall. Is it weird that I miss spinning class?) And this lady that I've seen for years around the Y came up to me and asked if I was Elizabeth? She said that she found my blog through our friend, Jenny, (who by the way is like this super famous blogger and quite the big deal on the internetz... you should check her out) and that she's been reading my blog and praying for me. It was surprising to me. And really nice to know that some people at the Y are praying. Later yesterday afternoon, I took Olivia and we ran some errands together. We hit Sam's Club (isn't it so annoying when you have to hit Sam's for two items? AND THEN they don't even have samples?! Sheesh.) Next stop was Target. Naturally, Olivia had to make a potty stop. So I'm hovering outside of the stall when a lady came in and I noticed her glancing my way. I do get a bit self conscious these days with my bald head under my hat situation. Then she asked, "Are you Elizabeth?" She went on to tell me who she was and that we have our aforementioned Jenny friend in common. She also told me that she had been praying for me in the car on the way over to Target. How crazy is that? It's crazy enough that anybody reads this blog. But even crazier to me that people I don't even really know have me on their hearts and are talking to God about my situation. I am humbled! And encouraged. So thank you for reading. But thank you even more for praying. I can't even tell you how much God used yesterday to remind me that He is alive and active, not just in my life but in your lives too. Our third stop found us at Old Navy. (I'm on a hunt for an appropriate bathing suit for a five year old. It's harder than you think!) To my disappointment, no body recognized me there :)! NOR did we find a suitable suit. But I walked away with a new dress, shoes and sweater. Oops! Don't worry... I won't let all this *fame* go to my head!

Because I obsess

2011-03-28T16:49:00.004-04:00

We had a great time visiting my dad. Other than the temperatures (it actually snowed a tiny bit Saturday morning) which left little to be desired, it was nearly perfect. We took him out to dinner, where I decided BBQ ribs sounded amazing to me. And they were. The kids were pretty well behaved. My dad loved his meal and felt celebrated. I was worried about him. Although he just turned 75, it stinks to be alone on your birthday. And even when my mom was sick, she always tried to make sure he got a card with money in it so he could go out and get himself dinner when she wasn't well enough to go too. So this year, being his first official year by himself, I'm so glad it worked out for us to be with him. And now, on with the week. I'm feeling really good. Which of course, scares me. I'm fighting really hard the tendancy I have to either 1). Look for what might get in my way of feeling good or having a good week or 2.) Start thinking ahead to the next rough week of chemo, therefore, sabatoging my good week. (Because that's just the kind of crazy I am.) I've been doing pretty well on that front. But the desire rushes in all too quick. Then there's the appointment with the Dr. on Thursday where I'll probably get the results of the CT scan and the blood work. Last round, I just didn't know what to expect and had the pleasant suprise of good numbers. Now, I guess this is where the REAL journey begins. The REAL walk of faith. The REAL trusting of God. Will the numbers keep climbing down? Will the CT scan remain clear? Can I live today without obsessing about Thursday (or tomorrow for that matter.) So far, I've done pretty well - today, with God's help. I went to the Y, walked on the tread mill, went grocery shopping, enjoyed my kids and am having people over tonight. You can pray for me. To beat this thing. Of course I mean the cancer, but even more importantly, even more crucial to my LIFE is my mind. My lack of trust. My idolatry. So, here I go to put dinner in the oven, tidy up the house and LIVE my evening. I hope you do too!

Overdue

2011-03-24T16:17:00.005-04:00

It's been a L.O.N.G. time since there was just a normal random post around here. And since it's been a pretty good week, it just seems right to put some fun kid pics around here and give us all a break from the deep, serious stuff.

Last night, Olivia had a birthday party to go to. Which left the four of us to fend for ourselves. And something mysterious happened... the boys got along and played well. I'm wondering if there is something about the number three that begs for fights?! They had a ball with this empty box for over an hour. This morning when all three were playing with it, I had to put it away after seven minutes. Oh well.

I opened the fridge two days ago and found Rex.

It's true, you never know what you'll find in our fridge these days (thanks to many of you who have delivered so many delicious dinners over the past eight weeks!) but this is a little ridiculous.

The best sign of all that I'm having a good week? I ran for my camera and thought, "I gotta put this on the blog!"

Our neighbor, Janet, has been stopping by most weekday mornings to help me with the boys after Steve and Olivia leave but before the nanny gets here.

She came on St. Patty's Day bearing gifts.

This picture made me smile.

I hope it makes you smile too.

Tomorrow we are off to Toledo for the night to visit my dad. We have not seen him since mid-February, and even then he was in the hospital. It will be good to spend time with him, especially since tomorrow is his birthday! I'm so thankful to be feeling good and able to make the 2 hour trip.

Tomorrow morning is my lab work and my CT scan and then hit the road. Feel free pray for that. Praying that my numbers have come down a bunch again after this round! Have a great weekend.

Take that you stupid cancer!!!

2011-03-22T16:14:00.003-04:00

First off, I have to give a shout out to 5 amazing women from the Oregon District (my neighborhood) who came to my house yesterday while I was at chemo and the boys were at the Y with the nanny and graciously CLEANED MY HOUSE. And I'm not talking just cleaned... I'm talking I might not have cleaned some of these things since I've had kids kind of clean. I may have been *slightly embarrassed* and slightly enternally greatful for your kind heartedness. It truly was amazing and we are so very thankful.

Yesterday was the last chemo day of round 2. It was the quickest one yet (only 5 hours). My friend, Sally, came and spent a few hours with me. It was nice to not have to talk, but then at the end when it was time to *walk and talk* she went with me. (At the end of each abdomenal chemo, I spend some of the final hour walking and trying to get my belly full of fluids moving... that with the fatigue are the two worst parts of this thing.) It was nice to have a friend come and see my new life.

Day 8 (yesterday) of the 21 day cycle isn't all that bad. I get the steroids and once the fluid is a bit re-distributed (it usually takes 6-8 hours later to not feel so bloated), I feel pretty good. Now I have 13 days until the next chemo day. It feels like a bit of a relief. Although this Friday I have to go in to the hospital and get labs drawn and then go for a CT scan. I guess I will have to get one every other cycle to make sure there are no new tumors. And as long as my numbers keep going down and stay down, it would be unlikely that there would be. But it is good to keep multiple checks on things.

I have to say, I'm not looking forward to Friday. Just having to go in on an "off" day and spend 3 hours at the hospital is a bummer. It is such a reminder that my life is not my own. I've said before, this doctor's office now *owns* me. They tell me when and where to be... they don't ask. And then the following week on my truly off week, I get to go in on Thursday for labs and an appointment with the doctor. Which is good. He checks in with me. See's how I'm doing. Goes over blood work etc. But it's still scary. And I HAVE to do it.

I continue to nearly constantly have to give my worries over to God. I just wonder if I will ever get over this? I mean I will have to do these scans every three months for the first two years. And then every six for the next three. There will always be a fresh way to trust Jesus with my worries. I guess that is good?!

Please pray that I would enjoy my week(s) until the next round. I tend to already look ahead or feel bummed about Friday or worry that a new symptom will creep up and prevent me from enjoying... instead of just enjoying. Sounds exhausting to be me, doesn't it?! Ugh. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
**Disclaimer** for some odd reason my spell check wasn't working.. please excuse any typos. I wasn't in the mood to wait.

Exposed

2011-03-19T10:08:00.002-04:00

The past few days have been rough. I know I posted I was doing better, and I was. Then, the fatigue set in. I wish I could describe how it feels. Because it's more than being tired. It's not quite a depression. It is utter fatigue. And it exposed some ugly around here!

I was back to panic attacks yesterday. Mostly because some wrong beliefs of God were stirred up. The *what ifs* returned. What if I can't make these six rounds? This is only number two... and supposedly they get harder. I really don't know if I can persevere. What if my numbers don't ever get any lower? What if I do all of this just to die? What if God is just toying with me? What if He is just playing games with my life? My family? My friends? YOU!

Thankfully, I have a husband who battles lies with me. I shared with him my fears, my lies. We prayed. We reflected on who GOD says He is. And that once again, my circumstances do not dictate His character. We also chatted about how I don't have to do four more rounds, today. Today I just have to do today. And then I asked the world of Facebook to pray. And I received so many encouraging words. And God swooped. Peace fell. Circumstances did not change. Fatigue was an issue all day yesterday. But peace in the midst of it is indescribable.

Another exposure came in the package of failure. As a mom. The days I just lay in bed are SO unbelievably hard. Rest? That is a word that a mom does not know. My job? Rest. In my *former life* I dreamed of rest. Now? I fight it.

Failure as a wife. Oh let me count the ways. I looked in the mirror yesterday and I thought to myself, "I look like a Holocaust victim." With my shaved head and my ribs poking through my skin. I glanced at our wedding photo (it will be eight years in May) and thought, "In sickness and in health... who knew?" Of course, Steve spoke sternly to me when I voiced these thoughts. But it's hard to not feel what you feel.

Failure as a friend. I'll admit it, I've battled jealousy. I'm jealous of my friends who's lives go on as *normal.* I've battled this one hard, because this will only destroy me. But in the dark post-chemo days, it is a quick place to go. (PS friends, don't stop telling me about your *normal* lives. This is MY issue, not yours!!!)

Thankfully, God is exposing all of these ugly places. I have people praying. I have a God who is loving this crap out of me. Squeezing it out. Painful? YES. Worth it? Verdict is still out (just kidding, I know intellectually it is worth it... but couldn't I just read a book or go to a conference on it instead?)

So... that is where I'm at. Feeling a bit more energy today, not enough to go to the last soccer game of the season. That made me sad. But thankful for energy nonetheless.

Pray that I would not sabotage the next two days because I know there is one more chemo day coming. Thanks and have a great weekend!

Feeling better

2011-03-16T09:37:00.002-04:00

Thought I should let you all know that I'm feeling much better this morning. My tendency is to apologize for that rather bleak post last night. But honestly, I needed your prayers. And the comments were so encouraging and uplifting. So thank you.

After I posted I went to bed. That is so unlike me. I slept on and off and when I woke up it was 9 pm and time to take my meds and go to bed. Where I slept great the whole night. I woke up and the bloating was gone. And I pooped (sorry... tmi) but that is a big deal because last round I had major diarrhea and stomach pains and this time the dr had me take Imodium the day before and it really helped. But then I was worried I'd be backed up for days. But it worked like a charm.

I am so thankful that although today I have some exhaustion, I'm not worried about poop or my stomach or lounging around for that matter. It is what it is today and it will pass.

I did want to share an encouraging story from yesterday's chemo. Not to brag on myself but to brag on where the Lord has brought me. Last chemo round I was so riddled with fear I couldn't tell you who else was in the chemo room with me. This round has been so much free-er. I can't even tell you what a world of difference that has made.

We were there about an hour as I was getting all my pre-chemo meds and some hydration. This lady, Cindy walked in. She looked terrible. Just really really sick. Turns out she was there to get hydrated and help because she was in fact really really sick. I felt burdened for Steve and I to pray for her at our chair. I over heard her counts are all very low and she needs a blood transfusion. She had to wait and get it today because she needed something that had to be ordered. Anyhow, over the next hour she got all kinds of drugs, including morphine to help her pain. She looked miserable. I finally heard her tell the nurse something about praying and trusting God. So when I was finally able, I got up and walked over to her and introduced myself. I let her know that I heard her talking about prayer and that I just wanted her to know that I had been praying for her all morning. She started crying. I asked if I could pray for her right there and she said of course. We held hands and prayed and asked God to deliver her from her pain and that her counts would be up in time for her surgery in three weeks (I have no idea what surgery.) We got done and she was crying again.

By the time she left she was stronger and able to walk and even grabbed a candy bar on the way out.

I share that not to say, "Oh look what a good person I am and how other's centered I am." Because believe me, I'm not. I just wanted to thank God that I am not so riddled with fear anymore that I can't look outside of my own situation. There are so many stories going on around us and so many times I'm so self-focused I miss the opportunities. That is one thing I hope cancer is changing about me!

Prayer please

2011-03-15T16:32:00.002-04:00

got back from chemo around 3. this is a rough day. they empty 4 liters (think 2 2 liter pop bottles) into my belly. i'm uncomfortable, to say the least. pray for me. when i don't feel good i tend to downward spiral. forget that this too shall pass. the next few days will be rough with side affects too. and then i'll climb out. i just could use a little extra prayer back up. kids are still needy. my head is still a bit congested. and i worry. although i know the drugs are kicking cancer's butt. pray that God will be in control and near. I know he is, i just need to be on the look out for Him.

Thanks that I can ask and you will pray. pray for the rest of my family too. they need it just as much.

Another one bites the dust

2011-03-14T16:32:00.003-04:00

Day one, round two- over! I got home around 3:30. Another long day. I guess day *ones* will be long. Jesus really swooped in today. I had peace. I relaxed. I even slept. I laughed with the nurses. I was thankful. Thank you for your prayers. Tomorrow is the doozie. But God will see me through. Then... the rest of the week. Please don't stop praying.

I spent the day next to this frail, 90 lb., 89 year old lady. I thought, geeze louise, if granny over there could get chemo... buck up camper, so can you! Perspective, my friends, perspective.

My congestion is nearly gone. I had a great night's sleep and the kids are feeling better too. All in all an encouraging day. (Usually, this is the point in which a thought like, "Ut oh, it's going just a little *too good*, I wonder what will happen next?") But because I am in the process of change, I will NOT entertain that though. Thanks for not entertaining it with me ! :)

I'm off to enjoy my kids, grab some dinner and hunker in for the grand finale of The Bachelor. And here's a bonus for you, I think he's going to pick Emily. (But since I'm always wrong it will actually probably be Chantelle.) In which case, Emily and her sweet 5 year old daughter are better off. So maybe I'm actually hoping he picks Chantelle? Oh, I'm so conflicted!

Germs germs go away

2011-03-13T16:50:00.004-04:00

Here at our house it is Chemo Eve (which is not nearly as exciting nor as romantic as Christmas Eve!) Turner seems to be doing better. I took my last anti biotic this morning (although I am pretty congested and my ears are a bit plugged up. I don't have a fever but feel not 100%) I'm pretty sure they will go ahead with chemo tomorrow, but this is not the way I would prefer it!

This morning when Olivia was eating breakfast she told me she couldn't finish because her throat hurt too bad. We whisked her off to Urgent Care (NOT my first choice, but what are you going to do on a Sunday morning on Chemo Eve?) She was swabbed on Thursday for strep and came back negative but the Urgent Care doc gave her a prescription for the same anti biotic T and I are on- with out swabbing her, I might add. He also gave her something for congestion. She took a long nap this after noon and looks like crap right now. She is hugging a bowl and I'm just praying she doesn't throw up too. **Update, I had to leave before I posted this to help her throw up. Ugh!!****

I am happy to report I have barely battled anxiety over chemo tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I have not had a panic attack. Tomorrow I will be introduced to another new chemo. It is the one I am getting because I am in the study. It is also the one that I will continue to get when this 6 round push is over. There are, of course, possible side affects. Including high blood pressure (over time) and nose bleeds. Please pray I would tolerate it well over the long haul, this is the one they feel everyone should be getting for ovarian cancer to up the cure rate. I, naturally, am thankful yet nervous.

Tuesday is the big dog chemo drug. It goes in my belly and wiped me out last time. I'm nervous but thankful to have a bit better of an idea what to expect. But now with sick kids and a bit of a head cold on top of chemo, I feel the fear creeping in.

As well as ugly and wrong ideas of who God is. I'm battling in my mind. And thankful for an amazing husband who battles in prayer with me. Please, please please battle with us. I know God's grace will come rushing in when I need it... it certainly has thus far. And I must be a very slow learner, but I think I'm starting to get that grace doesn't mean I don't get a head cold, or sick kids or cancer, but I get the strength to make it through when I do. With my faith in God intact. And hopefully, my relationships too!

So... tomorrow at 8 am please pray for me (and my fear/anxiety.)
Pray that this congestion would lift/ not develop into anything worse.
Pray that I would do well with this last new drug.
Pray for sweet Olivia to feel better.
Pray that Steve would NOT GET SICK. Oh my, I can't even think what would happen. (God's grace required!!!)
Pray that I would trust God to hold me this week.

Thank you for your prayers and love. I can't tell you how much they mean! I'll post when I can. Have a good week.

A beautiful day...finally

2011-03-12T14:23:00.003-05:00

There is hope of spring here in Dayton, today. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and the temperature is above 50. It's funny how the weather can affect a person. This past week has been pretty good. Although, I realized the other day that I had pretty high expectations for the week. Because it was my "off" week, I expected to feel normal. Like my old self. But reality is that I'm still only 7 weeks out of MAJOR surgery, I am still not 100%. My digestion is still a bit wonky, I still have a weak core and I get tired easily. I think I also had this *I only have one off week, I have to squeeze every ounce out of it* mentality. And I *may* have overdone it a bit.

So, I know how to do it a bit more realistically next time.

As it turns out, Turner had strep throat this week and O stayed home from school on Friday because of a fever. I got on some antibiotics as a precaution since I have round two of chemo on Monday. That's just the way I guess this goes in a house full of little kids and germs. Thankfully, really all I've felt is a stuffy nose.

I have gotten a few nights of good sleep too, so for that I'm thankful.

In fact, there's been a lot to be thankful for this week. There have been a few moments of fear and sadness, but for the most part, it's been a good week. Now I'm off to enjoy the rest of this beautiful Saturday.

One more step behind us

2011-03-10T08:49:00.004-05:00

It started on Saturday. The dreaded day when I brushed my hair and a few strands came out. I knew it was coming. It wasn't a surprise. But it was dreaded.

I had a plan with my friend, Aimee, to call when it got bad enough and she would come shave my head. Monday seemed just a tad too soon. So she came on Tuesday afternoon. I knew she was coming and starting Monday night I started getting anxious. I asked Olivia if she wanted to watch or not watch. She wanted to watch. I asked Steve the same thing. He said he didn't really care either way. I decided I needed him there.

So I took these pictures, cried for a minute and then closed my eyes and held hands with Olivia. She was so brave. Braver than I was.

When we finished, I took a deep breath and went to look in the mirror. I look like a character from that tv show, V.

We immediately got out my wig and tried it on. Then we went through my box of hats. I took an hour to myself and felt sad. Then I went to show the boys. Turner laughed (punk) and Quinn declared, "Mommy, we are not scared." Good.

Then yesterday morning when I came down dressed and ready Olivia said, "Mom, you look awesome!" I went to the kitchen to see if Steve put her up to it. He claims he didn't. It brought tears to my eyes.

One of these days I'll get brave and put the "after" pics up. I'm just not quite ready yet.

And one more piece of good news... I had blood drawn on Tuesday. Someone from the Dr's office called yesterday to let me know some levels. (I still don't know the lingo... but there is a certain level that lets you know the cancer in your body.) Before my surgery it was something like 3,500 (its suppose to be 10 or something like that.) After my surgery it was 151. After this first chemo round it was down to 55. That means that the chemo is working (at least for now.) Please pray that it will continue to bring my numbers all the way down to remission... and cured forever. I am thankful that God chose to reveal to me that His hand is in this... even though regardless of the circumstances, His hand IS in this. I'm getting there to believe it no matter what. But it was very gracious for him to show me this little piece of evidence. Praise the Lord!

Unconventional

2011-03-08T08:48:00.002-05:00

It's been busy around here. Good busy. I think. The weekend was fun and refreshing. Dare I say *normal?* Steve and I had a date on Saturday night. And because we have sophisticated pallets, we headed to Red Lobster for lobster fest. It's been so long since we've been out on a Saturday night, I guess we misjudged the popularity of the 6 pm dinner hour here in Ohio. It was an HOUR wait for lobster fest. To which we said, no thank you. We headed over to Brio. I got excited by the prospect. But alas, a 45 minute wait. (Although while getting the scoop I spotted two of our best friends eating there so I texted and said hi.) We headed over to a fancy seafood restaurant and had a classy and fabulous meal. Our friends texted back and we ended up meeting them for dessert.

We were going to go to Cold Stone for ice cream, but there must have been 50 people in line. And it was 35 degrees. And raining cats and dogs. And it just didn't seem worth it to stand in line for ice cream. Several other restaurants were packed out. So... we headed to the movie theatre for dessert. Its one of those fancy deluxe theaters with a Ben & Jerry's in the lobby. We got ice cream and sat in the lounge and talked. A little odd, but very fun.

We sat in a circle of comfy chairs. About 15 minutes into our chat, this random guy, in his upper forties/early fifties plopped smack dab in the middle of our group. He just sat there. Then he leaned his head back and relaxed. And then, he fell asleep. And THEN he started snoring. And we belly laughed. He slept and snored for about a half hour. And then he woke up, got up and just left.

Weird. But I guess that's what you get when you hang out at the movies.

Breakthrough of sorts

2011-03-04T07:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday turned out to be sort of a break through for me. It's hard for me to explain my mental/emotional/spiritual state. I've tried throughout the past two weeks. Bits and pieces. I'm afraid the whole of it would have been too overwhelming.

It definitely started last week with a meeting with our pastor. Then at Church on Sunday, God met me. To some of you that may sound foreign. He didn't actually stroll down the aisle or audibly speak to me. But He met me in the aisle and spoke to my spirit. It began a process (that will continue probably forever) for me to lay down the *idol* of life and put God back on the throne. Meaning, WHATEVER happens, I will at least try and trust him.

I experienced peace for the first time in weeks after that. The next day in the chemo room... peace. (When I started to panic, I prayed and told him I trusted Him and there was peace. Until the next five minutes when I had to do it again.) I started to get hungry. I've been eating like crazy.

Then yesterday it occurred to me, I've been living like I'm in some kind of self imposed punishment. I have not had my radio on in six weeks. I have not really enjoyed friends. Laughed with my family. Gone out to eat. Shopped.

Yesterday a friend was coming over for lunch. We were going to have left overs. I was afraid to leave the house in case I started to feel bad. But by the time she got here I had prayed and told God I trusted Him. We went to Panera. I treated. I ate. I laughed. I loved it.

I came home and last night I painted my toenails. I have not done that since I got my diagnosis. I didn't do it intentionally. It occurred to me yesterday I've had this "Why bother?" attitude.

Each night after the kids are in bed I get my jammies on, bring my pillow down and camp out on the couch. You know, 'cuz I'm sick. Last night I decided I was not bringing my pillow down. I would put on comfy pants, but not full on jammies. I was going to have a normal night.

Today I'm taking the boys to the mall to meet friends at the play area. I have nine more days until the next round of chemo. And I'm going to live them up...trusting God all the way (until I don't, and then I'll trust again.)

Because a girl can not live on chemo alone

2011-03-02T21:53:00.003-05:00

There is American Idol.

Ah... yes... perhaps my best medicine. I was a bit weary going into this season. Mostly because my mom and I lived and breathed AI for years. We called each other after every performance. Especially during this part of the season when we can barely remember who is who. Oh what fun. I didn't know if I would be able to do it. Then there is the situation with Simon being gone. New judges? Ack.

But with life as it is, I might actually NEED American Idol.

It's a touch annoying, though. They switch nights. I don't know if it's coming or going. Yada Yada. So last night I missed a few guys because I thought Glee was on and although I love Glee, I didn't need to get there right at 8.

I really enjoyed several of the guys. But because there are still 24 people, I don't know any of their names. Except Scotty. He's the cute little country guy with the deep voice. I like him. My mom would have too. It's hard to forget a name like Scotty. I like the guy with the beard who did Rod Stewart too. He's weird. And good. But I don't know his name.

The girls tonight? They were okay. My problem with the girls? What they wear (or don't in some cases.) I get so distracted. And they like to stomp around the stage and dance and perform. Mostly, I want them to sing. And wear clothes.

I tend to always enjoy the guys more. Maybe I'm a chauvinist pig. Who knows?

And who knew? I like the judges. Although last night and tonight I really missed Simon's brutal honesty. Steve and I were wishing we could conference call him in and get some honesty. But oh well.

All in all, I'm back for season 10. And am glad to have it.

Big Red

2011-03-01T13:13:00.003-05:00

Day 8 of chemo (yesterday) went well. Minus some initial *digestinal track* issues last night, I think the steroids they gave me have really pumped me full of energy. I'll probably crash in a day or two... but I'm riding this wave.

So, enough about chemo. This morning, because of all my energy, I hopped in the car while the nanny stayed with the boys and I got myself to Target. Oh, the big red bullseye, how I've missed you. I was desperately in need of some pants that fit. I also needed a few other items. Don't you always need a few other items at Target? Not sure how that happens. But it does.

I had a huge taste for a Chik-fil-et sandwich... so I stopped and got one. I know, I know, not the healthiest thing I could have chosen... but it sounded (and tasted) so good.

Then I was off to pick up Olivia at school. I have not done that in weeks. She was so excited. I felt so normal. It was good. Thankful for the simple things in life. Things that 8 weeks ago I was complaining about. Funny how your tune can change so quickly. I guess that is a good thing.

Now I'm on a chemo break for nearly 2 weeks. I'm thankful for that too. I have not had a panic attack in days. I'm really learning to turn things over to God. (And just about as soon as I do I manage to take them back.) Remember, I said I'm LEARNING. Gosh, maybe I am going to be a different, better person as a result of this thing. Who knew?

Praising the Lord one Target run at a time!

Who knew?

2011-02-26T11:30:00.003-05:00

So, it looks like I'm a control freak. Funny, I didn't really put two and two together until this week. It's overwhelmed me. I'm trying to do *cancer* right. I'm trying to do chemo right. I'm trying to walk with Jesus and trust Him right. Guess what? I'm sucking at it. I'm a total basket case! I've had panic attacks. I've had a panic attack while on Zanex. I've had adverse reactions to Benedryl. I've been awake all night after taking Ambien. I'm a freakazoid. Then I try and figure out how *I* can rest in Jesus. Rest. Food. Peace. Those are the key things I need right now. I can't access them. Pray for that. I'm trying to do this perfect, and that is what will take me out, not all this other stuff.

Physically, I'm pooped. I tried to blow dry Olivia's hair last night and got winded. I've lost too much weight and am trying to eat. I walk around the living room or go upstairs and need to sit. It is so weird. Humbling. Overwhelming.

I've avoided blogging this week. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm not doing this perfectly. And before you all leave a hundred comments saying there is no perfect way or that I'll never do it perfectly, TRUST ME, I know. This is just part of my journey right now. And I'm even trying to push through this real fast to get to the other side. I just need to be. To roll with it. To let go. But guess what? That's not easy for a control freak!

There you have it. I guess all in all, I'm fine. Thankful that this really did go better than it could have. I am just struggling. Hard stuff sucks!